Letdown

Yesterday I woke up with that feeling that something good, really good, was going to happen.

Instead, I got two rejections.

It’s laid me a bit low. It’s not that I haven’t been getting rejections all along; I can be a bit superstitious at times, and I felt as if the universe bitch-slapped me.

I’m stewing in the very common writer’s self-castigation: My writing isn’t interesting enough, my writing isn’t good enough, I’m not good enough.

Still, I turned my pitch for Prodigies to Pitch Wars, which is a competition to find established authors who will work with you to improve your pitch materials so that they entice agents.

I keep trying, because I will never get published if I don’t try.

Justice for All

“… with liberty and justice for all.”

This is why I think the announcement of formal impeachment proceedings against President Trump is good news. Clear evidence exists that President Trump has colluded with foreign entities for the purpose of influencing elections, which is an affront to the democratic process in the US. It is the job of the president to keep the nation’s good, rather than his own desires, in mind.

Some would argue that the democratic process in the US isn’t very democratic, and they would be right. The need for a huge “war chest” to run for president restricts all but the wealthy and famous. The Electoral College exists as the remnant of a system where only white male landowners could vote. Polling places are cut disproportionately in areas where less-wealthy blacks live.

However, Trump’s apparent attempt at manipulating Ukraine with an eye to collusion and the earlier suspected collusion with Russia, if proven, are major subversions not only to the electoral process but to the security interests of the United States.

Americans know this — at least the majority of Americans who have not bought into the cult of the bully Trump. And they want justice for all, not just the rich and powerful.

A bloody good time

I don’t have a lot of time to put in a big post, because I will be moulaging a bunch of high schoolers for the high school docudrama. This means that I look at a card detailing injuries and recreate it on a volunteer using makeup.

The docudrama exists as a way to scare teens out of drunk driving, distracted driving, and various other jerky things teens do while driving that will get them and others killed. The woman who runs it encourages us to get severe and bloody with our casualty simulation because they will be seeing it from a distance (unlike Missouri Hope, where people will see it close up).

It’s a fun time.

Belief and Doubt

I sent the first three chapters of Apocalypse off to Tom Doherty Associates (TOR) yesterday. I have several story submissions out and the manuscript for Prodigies at DAW. I have several queries on Apocalypse out to agents.

And I am filled with doubt.

I believe I’m a good writer, or else I wouldn’t push myself to improve, and I wouldn’t try to get published. I just feel doubt every time I submit. But I keep submitting anyhow.

Doubt is just a feeling. It is not reality. Some might point out that getting all the rejections I’ve gotten is a reality and that I should just give up. But I believe the process is subjective and that, sooner or later, my work will speak to someone.

My belief and doubt coexist; I choose to act upon my belief.

Writing Dark

I don’t consider myself a very dark person. If you meet me in person, even when I’m depressed, I come off as perky, if somewhat squirrelly. (Some of this is a pose to keep my students from feeling threatened). If you know me well, I’m pretty straightforward.

But sometimes, I write dark themes. In The Enforcer, the Archetype Boss Aingeal, serving in his role as enforcer of a Chinese gang, murders his rival and sends a bloody message to the leader of the gang. In Hands, a young man discovers his freakish talent to heal — and kill. The very short story I’m writing now, The Message, involves an act of revenge for a mother’s death.

I suppose Apocalypse, with its end of the world scenario, is dark. I never thought of it that way. I guess I write dark themes more often than not.

I think I should challenge myself to write something completely funny for a change. The ideas that come to my head, though, aren’t funny.

Maybe funny is a new goal to work toward.

I was born for autumn

I’m feeling in the mood for autumn. Meterological fall started August 31, but it hasn’t felt like fall lately given the 85+ degree weather, and astronomical fall won’t be for a couple more days.

Today, it’s raining outside, which puts me more in mind of fall. I like fall best because it is a season of introspection, of putting away the revelry of summer and taking stock of how many leaves I’ve seen fall in my life. The crisp mornings with scarlet and orange maple against the clear blue sky recall perfect moments, while the dark, icy rain reminds me of past travails.

I was born in autumn, born for autumn. It suits my dramatic side, the part of me who wants a black cape to walk through the whispering leaves. It suits the writer in me who wants to write of the dark corners of the psyche.

I will welcome autumn with a cup of cider or a glass of brandy, toasting the harvest and the darkening nights.

Experiment results:

About a month ago, I made the vow that I would go about writing as if I’d already been published. Here’s the result:

I will get back into novel writing for NaNo (National Novel Writing Month) in November. I’ve already committed to a novel — I’m going to tackle the book I’ve been postponing for the longest time, Gods’ Seeds. So if I don’t start noveling (is that a verb?) before then, I will go back to writing novels in November.

Yes, I was considering quitting, but my developmental editor is suggesting I keep writing, and I respect her judgment. I think it’s good to have external voices to help counter the dreary self-doubt that writers have a tendency toward.

My dev editor also suggested trying out for Pitch Wars, which is a competitive process by which one can get an intense pitch workout. I will be trying for this, because I have the desire to improve.

And I’m still submitting, mostly short stories and flash fiction, but also queries on Apocalypse. I may send out to one or two novel publishers this weekend because I expect a rainy time.

In writing as if I’ve already been published, all I’ve lost is the negative self-talk. I think I could like this.

Keep Writing

Keep writing.

That’s my advice through the times of rejections, the times spent wondering whether we will ever get published.

Keep taking those ideas and putting them into words, and then hone those words so that they spin the scene, the emotions, the characters, the plot.

Keep writing, keep editing, keep improving. Realize that we shouldn’t write for the glory of being recognized; most of us, even traditionally published, will not see a huge number of readers. Give those words life, and they may change the world even if nobody else ever reads them, because they have changed us.

This Too

Every now and then I get to a point where I’m convinced I’ve reached the end of my writing career, that I’m ready to put the whole thing down.

This is one of those times.

I just don’t feel as much like a writer when I’m writing short stories. I’m not as focused (obsessed?), I have to come up with many, many more ideas rapidly (which I don’t know if I’m good at), and I don’t have the attachment to my characters.

Years ago, you wouldn’t have caught me writing a novel, and I never imagined I’d prefer novels to short stories.

Yet now is the time for short stories and sending them off to magazines and waiting. I’ve gotten a lot of rejections, but I keep trying.

I feel like quitting sometimes. I’ve felt like quitting many times before.

This too shall pass.

Taking stock of the blog

These are the things that I’ve learned in writing this blog.

My blog gets an average of 20 hits a day. I would like to up that, but that might not change till I have a product (a published book). Let me know if I’m wrong.

The national origins of my readers will always surprise me. The other day, a reader from Vietnam showed up. I’ve had visitors from Singapore and Egypt lately. Among my regulars are Germany, Poland, Portugal, India, Ukraine, and Russia.

I know virtually nothing about my visitors. I know what time of day they visit, how often, what they’ve read. I do not know who they are or why they’ve decided to visit. As far as I know, I know nobody from Portugal, Ukraine, and Russia. I don’t assume that my Polish, German, or Indian readers are the people I know there. I know that either Russia or Ukraine houses that annoying SEO bot that occasionally drops me URLs to webcam girls. (I don’t go there).

I will keep writing this blog. It may change direction as my needs as a writer change, but it will probably always be a combination of creative writing, musing about writing and being a writer, and the occasional “this is what my life looks like right now.”