It has a cosmopolitan feel and an extensive Chinese population, so the food is good. It has a little bit of a counter-culture feel, another plus. Because of its location on the seashore, it’s in Zone 7 USDA, so the weather is nicer than here. Politically, it’s Canada, and if I got my citizenship there, I would be covered by national health insurance.
The thing that’s stopping me is money. It takes a good chunk of money (or a high-demand, high income job) to become a Canadian. Otherwise, I would be convincing my husband to retire there. I think if we won the lottery, it would be only a matter of time before we moved to Vancouver.
My top tip to be successful in life is simple: Be curious.
Curiosity is what brings us to the things we are interested in; the things we want to do. I can’t think about success without interest; I can’t think of interest without curiosity.
Curiosity is what drives us to learn. I can’t think of success without learning, either. And I can’t think of learning without curiosity.
Curiosity is what gets me up in the morning and drives my reading, my writing, my experiences. I want to know. And everything I learn opens up an avenue. Some I pursue, some I do not.
Being curious moves me forward. Without curiosity, I am an inert lump on a couch. Which is the opposite of successful.
I have an idea that is capturing me, and I am finally writing. Only 1000 words a day, but that is progress. I have been consistently writing for the past few days, and it’s a good feeling.
The story idea started humorously. What if a tradwife influencer and her PR-oriented husband latched on to Barn Swallows’ Dance wanting to take over with their vlog programming? The publicity would be good for the collective, right? There would be a nice ‘fish out of water’ aspect, not only because the collective did real work (as opposed to the fantasy that is tradwife programming) but because there were secrets about preternatural gifts and not-quite-humans that could get leaked.
Then one of my characters took over. Not even one of the point of view characters. Rod Lewis, the one protagonist’s husband, is contemptuous of his wife. Spouses of tradwives, the research shows, often are at the same time they lean on their wives for emotional support.
This becomes a different story. Tisha Lewis now has something to push up against. Maybe her tradwife programming is fantasy, but she has a shrewd mind for what will sell. And maybe she eventually gets tired of Rod’s condescension and subtle put-downs. The collective might help her see her worth.
Rod will react badly to what he sees as her pulling away from him, and maybe he realizes that he needs a firmer foundation than complete emotional dependence on her. A collective with self-actualized men might be a good place to learn emotional balance.
So this story could be funny, but now it has teeth. I like this kind of conflict. This becomes an enemies to lovers story without billionaire Mafia dons. I’m getting to enjoy writing it.
On this day in 2023, I wrote about my “road warrior” setup for writing on the go. At that time, I had an iPad Air, a Logitech keyboard and mouse, all in a cozy leather bag. It functioned as well as a laptop in most cases, and not as heavy. I have updated the setup and I feel like I’ve now got the road warrior gear optimized.
I upgraded my iPad a couple years ago for a M4 iPad Pro. It’s a bit heavier, but performance wise I can’t complain. I still can’t complain to this day. I do some Photoshop and Canva on the setup, and I have never had a performance complaint. I wish I cared enough about shooting and editing video to really push it, but I have no talent for video.
I decided I wanted a laptop form factor, because the one problem with an iPad and keyboard is that you can’t just put it on your lap and use it. I missed that from hauling around my Surface. I bought a Zagg Rugged Book, which is an all-in-one keyboard and iPad case. Again, I traded a bit of weight for more functionality. I still think it’s lighter than a laptop, especially the Galaxy Ultra that is my computer at home. And my iPad is PROTECTED with this case.
The rest of my upgrade was a trackball rather than a mouse. I prefer trackballs to mice, especially since some surfaces are not suitable (too small, too glossy) to run an optical mouse. I found the Elecom Bitra with its small footprint a good, but not cheap, solution.
If I want more screen space, I have a portable screen I can hook up to my iPad using Duet, a pairing program. This would necessitate me moving to a bigger bag and would definitely add more weight, which is why I haven’t done it yet. I like traveling better without it, which could change with the tasks I’m doing. I’m glad I have the option for now.
So I’ve upped my road game at the cost of a little weight. I’m still hauling my equipment in a small bag and feel like I can handle the burden. All in all, good choices for a computer substitute.
Sleep is very important to me. As someone with bipolar disorder, lack of sleep is both a problem in maintaining my mood and a symptom of a hypomanic attack. So I am very careful about sleep.
I have a set bedtime, and I spend some time lying in bed resting (not reading on the phone) before I drift off. I use a sleep mask to make the room dark, especially as my husband often stays up later so needs the light on. I maintain a comfortable temperature. Sometimes I play relaxing music, which seems to keep me from having nightmares.
Sometimes I have to take sleeping meds, and I take them particularly when I have restless thoughts. They don’t knock me out; they just seem to lessen the restless thoughts. I don’t take Ambien, because I once cooked some candied walnuts in my sleep while on it. I burned them and threw them in the garbage, then reseasoned the pan. In my sleep.
Sometimes, still, I have a night where I can’t sleep. My psychiatrist is not alarmed by occasional sleepless nights, but says if I have four in a row and still feel energetic in the morning, we need to talk. I generally do not feel energetic after a sleepless night; I feel lightheaded and groggy, a good sign that I am indeed not hypomanic.
I am very careful about sleep because I have to be. I don’t want a return to mood swings, even if hypomania is fun at first. It doesn’t end up being fun when strung out on sleeplessness and anxiety.
Some negative thoughts just flow through you — you think them and then let them go. Sometimes, however, they get stuck and you ruminate over them. Those are the negative thoughts you have to deal with.
Very often, the negative thoughts we ruminate on are thoughts whose negativity we amplify by cognitive distortions — unhelpful ways we frame the thought to “deal with it”. It’s not really dealing with the thought, however. Cognitive distortions are ways to manage the thought and get control over it, but often the thought is getting control of us because our rationale is itself negative.
For example, when the stressor of a job interview comes up, some people tell themselves that they “always fail job interviews” or they will “never get the job”. These rationales are two different cognitive distortions — in the former case, what my therapist called ‘awfulizing’ and the second ‘fortune telling’. Reality tells us that we can’t have that certainty about the outcomes. Uncertainty is scary, and some people manage it by projecting a negative outcome.
There are several categories of cognitive distortion. A few are (Therapistaid.com, 2023):
Awfulizing (the official name is catastrophising, but I like my word better)
Fortune-telling (predicting the future)
All or nothing
Overgeneralization (‘always’ and ‘never’)
Mind reading
Labeling
Shoulds
Emotional reasoning
We are trained to cognitive distortions, largely by family of origin.
Cognitive journaling is a way out of cognitive distortions. It consists of examining the triggering event and the thoughts that come up. In the thoughts, there will be clues as to the cognitive distortions there. Contradicting the cognitive distortions with more reasonable thoughts is the next step. (Brooklyn Center for Psychotherapy, 2026)
Understanding that one’s automatic thoughts aren’t reality can train your mind out of automatically giving in to cognitive distortions. That can help us to stay positive rather than ruminating on the negative.
I don’t know why I believed this, but it is breathtakingly stupid. I used to believe all dogs were male and all cats female. I was pretty young when I believed this.
Photo by Helena Jankoviu010dovu00e1 Kovu00e1u010dovu00e1 on Pexels.com
Maybe it’s understandable, because all the cats my family ever had were female. This was because my mother believed all male cats sprayed urine. They do, if they are not neutered young, but my mother wasn’t taking any chances. So I had never had a male cat till a few years ago.
I remember exactly when I was disabused of this notion. I was in the car with my parents and sister, and my mother laughed at me when I told her this. I don’t blame her — my belief fell into the category of ‘strange things little kids believe’, and it is funny.
Daily writing prompt
What do you love now, that you hated when you were younger?
I hated vegetables as a child. All of them. (Except potatoes, and I don’t really consider potatoes vegetables. They’re a starch, like bread. I liked bread.)
I couldn’t bring myself to eat veggies. It was almost as if I thought them poison, which I probably did. I had a phobia about being poisoned as a kid, and vegetables were plants. Like mushrooms and poison hemlock.
Then when I was in high school, everything reversed. I craved vegetables, especially mushrooms. I ate vegetables raw, steamed, sauteed, juiced. I don’t think there was a single vegetable I didn’t like. My diet became more colorful and healthier as well.
To this very day, I’ve noticed a pattern. When I eat fatty foods or fried foods or lots of desserts, I don’t crave vegetables. When I eat healthy, I crave vegetables. This blog is making me hungry for a pile of broccoli.
What is something you wish you could tell your 20-year-old self?
When I was 20, I was diagnosed with a mood disorder, cyclothymia. This is ‘bipolar lite’, or rapid cycling minor to moderate mood swings. Think of the mood swings as being faster and lighter than Bipolar II, which is not as manic as Bipolar I.
The meds were not as good back then as they are now. We’re talking 40 years ago. The doc put me on lithium and a tricyclic antidepressant. There were no SSRI or SNRIs back then, and tricyclics didn’t work for everyone. They didn’t work for me. So the lithium was regulating the highs and nothing was working for the lows. I stayed depressed all the time.
I finally decided that I didn’t need medication and took myself off it, going back to a yo-yo mood and years of poor sleep.
It took thirty years before I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. The symptoms had gotten bad enough that I could not sleep in my hypomanic days, and depressions were deep. With some trial and error, however, the new medications available helped me find a new normal where sleepless nights are seldom and I don’t cry for days at a time.
I wish I had taken the people at student health seriously, because I could have saved myself years of what I thought was simple insomnia. I wish I could tell 20-year-old me to stay on the meds and maybe try another antidepressant. I probably would have made better decisions with the right medication.
On the other hand, would I be who I am today if I had stayed on the medication? Would I have been creative? (I think so, but on the other hand I would not have had hopeless crushes, which fueled a lot of creativity for me). Would my life have been as interesting? I will never know.
Write your guide to setting healthy boundaries in relationships.
The one rule that has helped me in making healthy boundaries in relationships is also one of the hardest ones to get into my head. It makes perfect sense yet is maddening.
The key, I’ve learned, is “You can’t make someone do anything.” This has staggering implications. You can’t make someone take out the garbage. You can’t keep someone from cheating. It seems unfair, but it’s true.
You can choose how to react to what the other person is doing. You can argue with them, ignore them, walk away. You can communicate so both of your viewpoints are heard. If that doesn’t work, you can go into therapy or break up. Or both.
It’s not a comforting truth. We want things to go our way, because tension is uncomfortable. Conflict is not pleasant. But it is inevitable, because conflict is what happens when someone’s needs are not being met.
The bright part of this is that trying to control the other is a great part of why relationships fail. Accepting that you can’t control someone else is a way out. Use your words, learn to argue better, nurture the positive so that your relationship feels ‘worth it’ — this is the rest of how to do healthy relationships. But it starts with “You can’t make someone do anything.”
These ideas are not original with me. I would recommend works by John and Julie Gottman for more on healthy relationships.
Words Like Me 