I received the best piece of advice when I was at my lowest. I was in the process of breaking up with my first husband. I was also having a breakdown in an inpatient treatment program for sexual abuse survivors with complex situations. (Nobody knew I was bipolar, or even depressed, so I don’t know what they thought my complex situation was, but my insurance decided to cover the program anyhow).

The program consisted of a group of women who were in much the same situation: sexual abuse with complicated stories. Many had dual diagnoses of mental illness or substance abuse. Many had been there for months, struggling with the program. I walked in there with my trauma out in the open, a victim of my past and of my husband, and I attracted the attention of the mean girls clique.
I responded to the bullies the way I had responded to bullies my entire life: I fawned. I flopped on my back and offered my belly. “Hey, I’m a victim; don’t beat on me.” I was not my best self. If I were anywhere near my best self, I would not have been having a breakdown.
In retrospect, we all were at our worst. We were safe to be at our worst on the way up to our better selves. We recreated the dynamics of our trauma because that was all we knew to do. We were there to learn another way of dealing with our lives. I threw myself in the path of bullies and tried to make them be my friend. They had been victimized and took the part of the aggressor so they didn’t feel vulnerable again. But I didn’t understand that back then. I only knew they hated me and I needed everyone to like me.
I talked to my social worker about it one day, and she told me, “Not everyone has to like you. And you don’t have to like everyone.” Those two sentences opened up my life. I did not have to ingratiate myself to bullies. I didn’t even have to like the bullies. I didn’t have to love people who abused me. I had a right to my own feelings.
That wasn’t the only thing I learned at Brattleboro Retreat, but it was among the most important. It was my first step to rejecting victimhood. In rejecting victimhood, I could grow beyond it.








