About External Validation

“Where’s my cookies?”

For most of my life, I have self-medicated by external validation. When I’ve been in bad moods (and for someone with bipolar, those bad moods were long and intense), I would say, “I’ve been good, God. Where’s my cookies?” Just as when I was a child, a cookie would shut me up, but I exchanged chocolate ship to external validation.

Why external validation? I grew up in a household where I wasn’t recognized much, probably because I was so accomplished for a child and they didn’t want my sister to feel bad. This perhaps went too far, to the point where if I accomplished something, my mother would tell me that my sister was better at it. On the other hand, at school, I got a lot of recognition and validation, from my poem the third-grade teacher posted on the classroom door to becoming a National Merit Scholar my senior year.

But it seemed like I hit a peak my senior year of high school. Certainly, I went to a Big 10 university and stayed in until I got a Ph.D., but I seldom got external validation from high school on. Unfortunately I was addicted it, as if it were the sugar bomb cookie I wanted when I was younger.

Older and mostly wiser

Fast forward to a happily medicated 57 years old. I’ve gotten into the mindset that God does not award external validation, nor does She present anti-depressant happy events to me. Furthermore, I have developed the (possibly cynical) viewpoint that If one has the power to grant external validation, they grant it to someone who exemplifies their values; in other words, someone like themselves. For organizations, this is doubly so.

I no longer shine; I manage like everyone else. My passions, including writing, do not give me any great external rewards. And, although I know rationally that I don’t need external validation, I still do. I need it as motivation, as the guiding light that keeps me going on a venture.

Writing without cookies

I have not been getting cookies when it comes to writing. I haven’t gotten many sales, or much recognition, or other external measures to validate my choice to write. In other words, I don’t shine; I manage.

I need to find a way to motivate myself to write without cookies. Internal validation would be ideal; yet I struggle. Perhaps because I’ve already met my Big Audacious Goal of getting a book, in writing, in paperback form. I don’t have a Bigger Audacious Goal except for traditional publication, which — get this — requires external validation.

So I need some internal validation. I need to have a specific goal and meet it. And for me, that needs to be a Big Audacious Goal.

Any ideas?

Progress On My Books

Lots of changes in a novel

I got my second beta reader’s comments for Gaia’s Hands, and she was very thorough and insightful. This means I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Gaia’s Hands has gone through so many changes before, having started as a claustrophobic novel with an anticlimactic ending, then developing into the reader-ready, tense but beautiful journey.

Now it’s getting brushed up, and closer to reality.

The updated schedule of releases

My Kringle story of the year, Kringle in the Night, will be released first, on October 1, which I’ve been told is optimal for Christmas releases. That’s the one about the well-traveled Sunshine Rogers, who has found her dream town in Denver, and professor Brent Oberhauser, who’s convinced he needs to move away for his career. Their mutual stubbornness threatens the ruin of their relationship, and it will take love and Santa Magic for them to see the right decision.

Gaia’s Hands will not be released until March 2022. It is not as much fantasy romance but romantic fantasy. Or maybe it’s still fantasy romance. It’s an intense book, the opposite of the Kringle Series In it, Jeanne Beaumont keeps secrets about her “green thumb” which threatens to sabotage her botany experiments. Josh Young wants to share his belief in spirits, which he fears will destroy his budding relationship with Jeanne. When Jeanne faces a worsening set of events geared to drive her from her research, the two join forces with their gifts to face an inferno.

So remember this: Kringle in the Night in October; Gaia’s Hands in March. Both on Amazon Kindle. Just search for my name.

Writing Lull

I need to get back into writing.

I think the current novel is scaring me because I have to write sex scenes and I so want them not to be cliche.

I could start writing another novel and go back to Walk Through Green Fire. Or I could just buckle down and write it.

I don’t have as much time now that the semester has started, but that may be a good thing — I am sometimes at my most productive when other things compete for my time.

I wish I could put a poster of my novel cover in my office, but that would probably be considered a conflict of interest. I’m okay with that; I need to be as focused on the job as possible, not daydreaming about my other job.

At any rate, I have to get the two parts of my life into balance soon.

Comfort Zone

On my way out of my comfort zone

I have to come to realize that, if I am going to do my book justice, I am going to have to include a more explicit sex scene than I’m used to writing. And this is way out of my comfort zone.

Usually, I write on a two chili-pepper heat, according to this source. That means closed-door sex. But given the book I’m writing, which is a romance between a 40-something librarian and a prince of the fae. There’s going to be sex, especially as his lack of humanness is going to manifest as “live for today” and a certain amount of hedonism. Closed door will not work here.

Get over it.

I’m scared, because I’ve never written a sex scene before. And I want a sex scene that is neither “tab a into slot b” or over the top hilarious. Which is why I have always written closed door scenes. Now that I have to, I think I’m going to have to find that sex thesaurus someone recommended to me.

What I think I’m going to need to do is take myself seriously and be foolish at the same time. That’s the mood I want, a dalliance with lots of satisfaction; the feeling like it’s a one-night stand, and then — he’s back. And what will she do now?

So, time to get over the comfort zone and write.

Shameless plug

If you haven’t found my Vella serial novel yet:

It can be found here.

Doing Nothing

The last few days

I’m facing the last few days before my fall semester starts, and I don’t want to do anything. No writing, no advertising, no anything but binge-watch British medical documentaries.

I may just indulge this need to do nothing. I really haven’t taken breaks from writing for about seven years. Between writing and editing, I’ve been writing for seven years. Almost every day.

A few days won’t hurt. Maybe I’ll get some inspiration, or another book ready for queries.

Or, at least, some rest.

(Anyone putting bets on when I’ll quit my break?)

Waking Myself Up

On the stereo: Funk Essentials

It’s 6:30 AM (or ‘six AM in the morning’ as they say around here). I’ve been up since 5 but not quite awake.

Sometimes, in the mornings, I just have to turn the music up to 11. Today, it’s the Funk Essentials playlist from iTunes. The coffee hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m awake enough to get my mind typing. James Brown’s ‘The Payback’ is playing right now, and I suspect that the never-ending loop of ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’ stuck in my husband’s head has been derailed. Let’s hear it for the downbeat!

In the cup: Zambian coffee

The coffee’s just about ready. The coffee du jour is the bottom of the Zambian beans we got at the local cafe. It’s an interesting coffee with notes of bitter chocolate and something berry.

On the docket: Trying to motivate

The problem with writing so close to the beginning of school is that I want to soak up every drop of leisure I have left — and I have less than a week of it. I’m not that enamored of what I’ve started right now, and I have Canva advertising to play with. Ideally, I should get two hours writing today. Or even an hour. And it’s not speaking to me.

Maybe I need motivation.

Or a vacation.

Starting with a Character Sheet:

Prince Dain
? • Faerie/Oneonta
Role in Story: Male Main Character/Love Interest

Goal: To woo Nina — but then what?

Physical Description: alabaster skin with a bit of a gold tint. Red-gold, wavy hair. No beard or body hair.

Personality: Playful, highly focused but ephemeral. To be in his focus is to be the only person in his life, but he has other things to focus on and he’s just as intense. He seems to be always in the present; commitment isn’t in his vocabulary because it’s not a fae thing. But he keeps coming back to Nina.

Occupation: Prince. What else?

Habits/Mannerisms: He gestures in the air as he talks, as if he’s trying to shape his stories from mist.

Background: a Prince of Faerie. Nowhere near to the throne; considered an eccentric dilettante as he works with craftsmen and creates beautiful wood and metalwork. He also spends a certain amount of time flirting with the border between Faerie and Earth,

Internal Conflicts: The pull toward Nina

External Conflicts: With the woman who wants him back.

Notes:

Brainstorming Characters

Oh, did I mention? I’m working on something new …

I’m working on a new novel, based on an idea I had in graduate school.

In it, librarian Nina meets a Prince of Faerie while he is slipping through her backyard naked. A Fae scorned casts a shadow across their dalliance, and Nina must brave the Faerie realms to rescue Prince Dain. If the landscape of Faerie doesn’t tear her apart, her adversary will. It will take all of Nina’s wits and all of her heart to save her lover.

I have the bare bones of plot; now what?

Now all I have to do is everything, starting with developing the characters. That to me is the place to start because I’m very character and relationship oriented. This is going to be today’s task and it’s going to require off-computer time.

Let me explain — I draft and edit on my computer using Scrivener and I proofread using Pro Writing Aid (now that I have it). I use Atticus for formatting and design covers using Photoshop and Canva.

But when it comes to character design, I’m in a different mode. I write and I write until I have the character developed. I interrogate my characters to find out what my subconscious tells me about the character and what I need to work out.

What do I need to know about Prince Dain?

A character sheet for writing tends to center on basic questions:

Role in story
Appearance
Motivation
Likes and dislikes
Internal and external conflict
Habits and gestures
Background

Which is necessary but not sufficient when writing a supernatural, alien, or other “other” (sentient dogs, etc.) Other things about the character must include how the character interacts with the other (i.e. our) world, which means figuring out the differences between us and them. Thus, character gets intertwined with worldbuilding.

In this case, there is a large body of folklore and stories, and it’s up to me to design this world borrowing from the stories. I know that I will include the traditional trickery/honesty of the fair folk, so: Irish legend, yes; Laurell K Hamilton, no.

From there, who is Prince Dain? This is what I have to find out. I only know at this time that he’s one of the fair folk, he has some sense of royalty, yet is a dilettante who crafts exquisite things and wanders through the crack between worlds, which is in Nina’s back yard. He is somewhat arrogant but charming, and at the beginning of the story very romantic but a bit fatuous. (I want my audience to question romance vs love.) He’s gorgeous, of course (and a ginger, which is one of my weaknesses when I am looking at pure male beauty). Ahhhh…

I’m back now. I need to have some conversations with my characters now.

P.S.

I looked at depositphotos for a male faerie picture. I saw none. So the realm of Faerie is all female like the Amazons, only with flowing robes?

Rain

Rain today

We may get lots of rain today, particularly welcome after a 113 (F) heat index (45 in Celsius). We’re in a 1-3 inch range, and I would like to see a gullywasher where the rain is sheeting off the streets and you can hardly see through the drops.

A few of my favorite rains

I love rain in all its permutation, but here are some of my favorite rains:

Midwestern gullywashers, as stated above. Rain that roars on the rooftop, that causes instant puddles in the gutters. Gone almost as soon as it’s started. On a summer day, when encountering a gullywasher, one should give up trying to find shelter. One must just accept that one will be drenched to the skin. I remember walking barefoot and singing loudly in the storm, knowing that I had found freedom from being well-dressed and well-behaved.
The sunny afternoon rainbow sprinkle of rain. There are clouds bringing rain, yet the sun still takes up the sky, and the combination yields a rainbow if one comes round right.
October evening thunderstorms. I love walking out in October thunderstorms. It takes some good rain gear — I used to have a long wool cloak with a hood that negates most of the rain. October thunderstorms are moody and romantic, the Midwestern US version of a stroll across the moors.
Light rains in April which green up the grasses and invite the daffodils to awaken.

The western states need rain

The American West is in what is called a “super-drought”. It has not rained at all in a few places for a couple years. Wildfires burn in several states. I cry when I think of those places, and I hope they will be rained upon, making their reservoirs fill and their fires extinguish. If we could get a handle of this global warming (hint: corporations pick a reasonable level of profit and make their processes cleaner) we might have a chance.

So when I watch the rain today I will pray (which I seldom do) that the West sees an abundance of rain and that we as humans see an abundance of wisdom that will help us make the decisions that will stem global warming.