Interrogating Josh

I’m sitting at my favorite coffeeshop with its board games on the walls, its sepia walls and Postmodern Jukebox playing on the speaker. My spot is one of the two comfortable chairs halfway up the length of the shop. My computer is perched on the stand in front of me. I’m not, however, making any headway into my story.

I stop, frustrated, and take a sip of my coffee. I buckle back down to writing, or at least staring at my keyboard.

A voice, a light tenor, spoke close beside me. “May I sit down?”

I look up to see a slender man with black bangs threatening to fall into his eyes. I know this man; I smile and motion to the seat. “Josh, it’s good to see you.”

“I was in the neighborhood and — ” he shrugged. “I thought I’d come in and talk.” He sat on the other upholstered easy chair.

“You’re just the person I wanted to talk to,” I replied. Josh nodded as if he already knew that. Which, of course, he did, being a figment of my imagination.

Talking to one of my characters always felt eerie, like the veil had lifted between this world and the world I wrote about, which looked remarkably alike except for the presence of Powers. Josh, slight and young as he was, held some of that power, and I could feel it in the economy of his movements, in his direct gaze.

“So, Josh,” I began, a little nervous. “You’ve grown.”

“Not really,” he said wryly, indicating his slight build. “I’ve just gotten older.”

“That’s the point. You know what you want now. You’re not having the puppy crush you had a few years ago.” Josh’s crush on Jeanne Beaumont, the botany professor, was standard knowledge between the two of us.

“I still want Jeanne. Maybe I can get her to believe me now. But still, I’m …” Josh trailed off, and I finished off the sentence in my mind. Twenty years younger.

“But this is Jeanne,” I offered. “Jeanne’s not exactly — typical.”

“That’s good. Neither am I,” he smiled ruefully.

That’s an understatement, I thought. I imagined I could feel his ki, his energy bunched up in his solar plexus. True power was always quiet, needing not to introduce itself unless necessary.

“So, what now?” I asked him out of the companionable silence.

“I introduce myself. Worst that can happen is we end up being friends. Or I make a fool of myself.” He looked at his hands.

“But that’s not going to stop you, is it?”

“No. My gut tells me this is what I need to do.” His gut. His ki. The source of his quiet assuredness.

And this is how the story will start.

A Tiny Bit of Progress

I actually wrote a little on Gaia’s Hands (the rewrite) yesterday. Not much, because I had to cut and hide a few things for a later scene and make some decisions that took a bit of time, but I got some written.

I have a better idea of Josh these days. (I’ve always had a good idea about Jeanne.) He’s actually a pretty interesting person, given a few years and an instructor’s position at the university.

I’ve been having such a struggle with this particular book (possibly because it’s a rewrite, possibly since I’m using the Save the Cat template from scratch instead of retrofitting it, possibly because it’s a romance, and I just don’t see myself writing romance.

But Jeanne and Josh are a couple, a tightly bonded couple, so their origin story needs to be told. And I’m the one to tell it.

I’m going to get out for coffee today!

In the days of COVID-19, this is going to look a bit different than it used to. The cafe, hopefully, will let us sit 6 feet apart, and I will be wearing a mask when I’m not sipping coffee.

I’m hoping for some good inspiration this morning for Gaia’s Hands. I have come to the conclusion that I’ve plotted as much as I can, and so I have to start getting things on paper. Given that this is a huge rewrite, I do have an idea of where things go, but there are still portions that are underdeveloped that I have to write. Lots of portions.

I’m going to keep this short because I have to work on getting information for a presentation this morning. Wish me luck!

… I need to write it anyhow.

I think I’m finally to the point where I can write about Jeanne and Josh’s unusual romance. I can tell because I’m getting a crush on Josh. Don’t you get crushes on your characters?

Josh is not a typical romance hero — he’s slight, he’s young (25), he’s a mild-mannered instructor of English. He’s a pacifist, he has second Dan rank in aikido. He’s half-Chinese. He practices folk Shinto and believes in spirits.

Jeanne, to be sure, is not a typical romance heroine — she’s a professor of botany who climbs on her soapbox occasionally to rant against factory farms. She’s 45. She’s zaftig and can lift 50 pounds easily. She’s eminently practical.

I know they’re not the romance characters women want. But maybe they’re what we need. I wanted representation of the people we don’t see in romance novels — big women, slight men. Asian men. Brainy women. Some role reversal. Nerds in love. Unlikely heroes.

I know this will probably never sell, especially as it’s also fantasy. But I probably need to write it anyhow.

A character sheet for Josh

Sunday morning, classical music playing, fresh-roasted-and-ground coffee (courtesy of my husband) and a cat next to me. What more could I want?

I want to get back to writing about Josh and Jeanne, and I’m still struggling. The old Josh was problematic, and so I’m doing some tweaks to the character, and I’m not sure who he is yet. I know his basic stats:

Age: 25

Appearance: about 5’7″, slender build but physically fit due to bike riding and aikido; brown-black hair that threatens to fall into his eyes, dark brown eyes, wide but almond-shaped. Half-Asian. Moves gracefully. (I have no picture of Josh. I know what he looks like from doing one of those fun internet searches that writers do, but I don’t think it’s right putting up a pic of a real person here.)

Speech: Thoughful, tenor voice; frequently tinged with humor

Personality: Calm, a little reserved, friendly. Perceived as “a really sweet person”. Tends not to show anger — most of the time. A bit bookish; perhaps a little eccentric (see below)

World view: Josh believes in folk Shinto, a belief system where objects of nature, such as trees and rocks, possess spirits or kami. As such, he believes that Jeanne’s “green thumb” comes from kami who are attracted to her. This remains to be seen. As a practitioner of aikido, he is also a pacifist, but will defend himself and other people.

Vocation: He is an instructor of creative writing at the University where he did his undergraduate work. He’s pretty new at teaching, and makes hilarious mistakes at times. He is the faculty advisor of the Slam Poets club, having once been a member. He thinks about getting his PhD and becoming a professor, believing it will give him more flexibility in the job market.

Hobbies: As said before, he is a practitioner of Aikido, having reached 2nd Dan. He writes poetry and stories in his spare time, and uses a bike for transportation three seasons a year.

Mannerisms: brushes hair out of eyes.

Favorite saying: Some things defy explanation.

Family: Only child. Father — Doctor; Mother — now working part-time at a florists shop. Mom is underemployed, as she is very artistic. Relationship to father is close but reserved; relationship to mother is slightly difficult because she can be nitpicky. He has cousins on both sides of the family, but both sides are older than him and not close.

************

This is all fine and good, but I have to make a more complete character out of him.

There’s more, there has to be more. This is the part I’m struggling with: this is a romance novel. How does he deal with falling in love? (I’m expecting he sits in the friend zone and things happen slowly until “Oh, wait a minute, where did this come from?”) But how romantic is that really? Does it matter?

I’m a bit more bewildered when it comes to sex (although I’m not going to get explicitly sexy in this book). I’m assuming he’s a virgin because he wanted to be deliberate in his choice and because he has the patience to wait. I also assume he’s read up on it. A lot. So he wouldn’t be totally ignorant, but a bit clumsy.

*************

What’s missing is actually writing in the character’s voice. I’m not sure I have a feel for that yet.

Both sides of the educational equation

I think college professors should take college classes every now and then. It gives us an insight as to what we’re doing to our students.

I’m taking an online course on Serving the Diverse Community During Disaster. It’s a great class, as all my classes in disaster mental health have been. However, these are the thoughts that keep going through my mind:

This class is only five weeks long! How am I going to get all this done in such a short time?
I hate group projects.
I have 150 pages to read each week!

This is what I put my students through (except they probably only read half as much in a week). These things are necessary for learning, and the pace is necessary for a summer class. So when I’m teaching, I have to incorporate lots of reading, group projects, and all those assignments.

But when I’m a student, I see it from the students’ point of view, and I have to remind myself all is wise and necessary.

A Visit to My Psychiatrist

One thing I haven’t talked much about in this blog– I live with Bipolar II disorder. To put it in short and demystifying language: without treatment, I have mood swings. Depressions are deep with thoughts of suicide when I feel things are hopeless. Hypomania is starting a lot of projects, not finishing them, thinking I am especially blessed by God, then swinging into easy irritability. I often manifest with either ultra-rapid cycling or mixed-episode type — it’s hard to tell these two apart, but I can at times go from elated to depressed in a single week.

Diagnosis can be difficult. Especially in its milder version (Bipolar II doesn’t manifest in full-blown mania), mania can look like ADHD, anxiety, or even a particularly charismatic personality. So depression is diagnosed as ordinary depression, and because the mania side is not treated, stability is not achieved.

Treatment for people with bipolar disorder generally receive a cocktail of medications to treat it. Some people can get away with just one med; I, like many others with bipolar, have to take four medications a day to tweak my chemistry in the right place. It takes a while to adjust the meds correctly, and a few people don’t get good control with medications.

Lifestyle changes are as important as well. Avoiding alcohol helps prevent depression. Regular sleep habits help greatly, and stress management methods like cognitive journaling help reduce stress that can throw off one’s chemistry. Many people need a therapist or social worker to work through the implications of a life-changing disorder.

Because I’m in good control right now, I see my psychiatrist every two to three months. Generally, he asks me how things are going with the meds and my mood, and then he just chats with me. I sometimes think he gets better information from me by watching me talk than he does with the direct questions because he can observe mania or depression by my tone of voice, pace of speech, and hand gestures. But he also trusts my observations, because I have a good awareness of where I’m at, at least when I’m depressed.

I have to have certain medical tests because of one of the medications I take, lithium carbonate. Lithium can damage the liver and kidneys, so these have to be monitored. It can suppress thyroid, necessitating monitoring of the thyroid as well. In addition, lithium blood levels can grow to toxic levels as a result of dehydration, illness, or even taking ibuprofen or other NSAIDs. I have had mild lithium toxicity; it is not pretty.

I live with the awareness that stressors can catapault me into an episode, and I need to keep an eye on that. I had a severe episode when I was first diagnosed because my department was being disbanded by the university. The COVID-19 stressors, especially when moving classes online, might have triggered some depression (I’m not sure, so it must be minor).

So I’ll visit my psychiatrist today. I’ll go to the lab Monday and get my blood tests. And all will be well.

My favorite coffeehouse is opening back up!

Pre-social distancing.

My favorite coffeehouse is opening next week! It’s the Board Game Cafe in Maryville, MO (I believe I’ve talked about it before), filled with board games, good coffee, and a congenial staff.

I’m trying to figure out how I can spend some time in there safely. I guess I could wear my mask and make sure I only take it off when drinking coffee. It’s easy to set 6 foot distance in there, and seldom does it get more than 10 people in it.

I crave the coffee, I crave the company, and most of all I crave the interesting space for writing. Quirky music, people to watch, and occasional hilarious interactions.

I know I’ll be at a little risk there, but very little with social distancing and my mask. The benefit far outweighs the risk.

Need some Inspiration

One of the problems with COVID-19 is the lack of inspiration. I am having trouble writing because there’s no break in the scenery. I could sit outside and write, but my more portable laptop currently has the problem of not working (and I can’t get it fixed because of COVID).

I’ve been out three times since the stay-at-home order came out. I’m getting pretty tired of my living room. I’d love a cabin retreat somewhere, but our local cabins are perpetually full, probably from people in the same predicament as I’m in.

The Game Cafe is open next week, and I’m contemplating going there to write with my mask and my hand sanitizer. I’m still scared about COVID, of course, but I’m so tired of my living room.

(I have been writing this with my “broken computer”, which was suffering from a missing cursor. It just updated — so far, so good. Let me see how this works out — oops, there it goes)

So I need to think about workarounds. How do I get motivated? How do I find new scenery? What is it I need to be doing right now?

Stormy Weather

Apparently, the tail end of a tropical storm is supposed to hit us this afternoon in Maryville, MO. That’s a long way for a tropical storm to go. We’ve been warned with possibilities of heavy rain, large hail, and a tornado or two. As a Midwesterner, I’m used to the possibilities of heavy rain, large hail, and a tornado or two, so I will spend the afternoon working on the computer and keeping one eye out the window for that greenish sky that presages hail.

I’m currently taking a class on Serving the Diverse Community During Disaster, which is a pretty intense class. Right now I wonder how well my community is planning for people whose experience and needs are different than those of the majority of the community: people of color, people with mental illnesses, the poor, the physically disabled. I try to join the planning but I’m rebuffed because I’m not an emergency management person and they tend to be cliquish.

It feels like all the current threads are coming together at this moment: civil rights, the pandemic, natural disasters, and compassion. I find myself reflecting, praying because I don’t know what else to do.