Happy (US) Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a day where we express our thanks for the bounties in our lives. Personally, I do that every day (unless of course I’m depressed, which happens on occasion). I open the door of my life to a blur of tumbling colors and laughter and the search for the perfect words. This is why, if you meet me on the street and ask me how I am, I get this silly grin and say “Really good!” and then run out of words.  Thank you to the people I run into on the street who put up with my spaciness.

With the colors and laughter and words comes the desire to make things better for people. I feel so powerless sometimes, what with the ugliness that passes for patriotism and nationalism and even religion these days. My seven-year-old alter ego Marcie believes that if everyone was nice to each other, everything would be better. I personally think that if those who have more would just share the power, the wealth, the love, the dignity, the recognition — things would be okay.  Thank you to the people who passionately work for equality and equity, especially for the culturally and ethnically diverse, the neurodiverse, and those in the LGBTQIA rainbow.

I have been working on giving up things and holding on to people. I don’t do this as well as I’d like — I would just as soon curl up and suck my thumb as talk “small talk”. I’m not an introvert; I just want to exchange stories and talk about what we’re passionate about. Thank you to those of you who have gifted me with those kinds of conversations in my life.

Sometimes things get in the way of life — in my case it’s my neurodiversity (bipolar 2) and side effects of the medications it takes to help me be highly productive. Sometimes I’m weepy; sometimes I stagger and lose my balance, or my hands shake; sometimes I get sick from being too warm or too cold. Thank you to my doc, Dr. Jura, for listening and working with me to get my meds to work for me.

My life includes a career, a house, five cats, the most understanding husband in the world, and an imagination. I’m thankful for that most of all.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my US friends and readers, and to all of you, thank you again for reading!

PS: OOPS!

The excerpt this morning was from my work in progress for NaNo, Whose Hearts are Mountains. I will label excerpts from now on. The list is as follows:

Gaia’s Hands
Mythos
Apocalypse
Reclaiming the Balance (which might fare better as a short story)
Voyagers
Prodigies (halfway done)
Whose Hearts are Mountains (Current NaNo project)

See why I need to get published?

Note: To the person doing translation work, if you’re reading: today’s excerpt is not from the same book you’re helping with translation on.

An excerpt (again)

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NaNo writing makes for a very rough draft. I look at this and see that it’s a bit more than a plot outline, but not much more. You can’t tell from this that Archetypes are beautiful but not imaginative, that their decor is very austere a a result — think Shaker or Scandinavian design — or that the only wall hanging is a representation of the community logo — which was designed and created somewhere else.

You don’t know that Daniel is having to process that the woman he brought to the collective has probably introduced the biggest danger to the collective, and that his son tried to kill her.

This is why revision exists.

************

Mari called the meeting to order. I noticed, for the first time, that someone had set up a short platform made in the same blond wood as the floor. Mari and Luke and William sat crosslegged on rugs on the platform, looking more austere and more unsettling than they had seemed before. 

Mari stood up briefly, projecting her usual benevolence, which did not calm me down at all. “We have an emergent situation, one which involves the events that exiled Jude from Hearts are Mountains, Jude’s questions about Annie’s identity, and the whereabouts of Jude after he left us. Other revelations will likely be revealed that cannot be discussed outside of this space. I would like Annie to come up here and tell the story of how she came here.”

I stood up, feeling my legs wobble. Mari motioned me up to the front where I stood, as she sat down. “Do you mind if I ask you questions? You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to.”
I realized that if I left any questions unanswered, I would look suspicious to the Archetypes gathered here, and I realized that I didn’t want them to mistrust me. I wanted their regard.

“Annie, can you tell us your name and background?” Mari inquired.

Oh, we’re playing hardball here, I thought.

“The name I was given when I was — engendered …” I began, and I watched eyebrows go up with the words I carefully chose, “I was named Anna Mîr Johnson, and after my mother married Arthur Schmidt, my identity papers were changed to name me Anna Mîr Schmidt. I remember that well now, and I realize this man — “ I waved toward Luke — “created papers for me at my — engendering —  and at the time Arthur Schmidt claimed me as his daughter. My birth father was William Morris — “ I waved a hand toward William — “but he left me the day I was engendered. I’m still trying to figure out what engendering entails.”

“This makes you Nephilim,” Kirsten called out, petting one of her clowder of cats. 

“Yes, I’ve been told I’m a Nephilim. I’m trying to get up to speed on that, because until today I assumed I was human with a really poor memory of my childhood.”

“Some of us have lived like that,” William breathed. “My parents, Lilith and the Kiowa Archetype, engendered me and left me with the Kiowa to be a brother to them. They didn’t, however, tell me I would outlive those brothers by hundreds of years. It caused me some trouble. If Mari hadn’t found me, I would still think I was human.”

“We’ve been taking Lilly to task since we found you,” Luke reminded William. “All of us have made mistakes, even though we are not human.”

“Anna,” Mari interrupted, “can you explain to us who Arthur Schmidt was personally and professionally?”

I took a deep breath. The stocky, balding man I had called father, Arthur Schmidt, had been my favorite human being on earth — and I realized how accurate the phrase was in this case. “Arthur Schmidt was, for all intents and purposes, my father. I met him two months after I was engendered, and he did not challenge my mother’s cover story that I was my mother’s distant cousin who had suffered from a severe amnesia that had taken my childhood from me. My dad took it upon himself to pull me out of my shell by teaching me about puzzles, cryptograms, and riddles. He was a cryptographer. You would not have known of his work for the government, where he placed his most sophisticated systems. You might have, if you were a burglar, cursed Arthur Schmidt, because his locks were, for all intents and purposes, invincible.”

“How much do you know about his locks, Anna?” Luke asked, rubbing his chin.

“I know everything,” I breathed. I saw everyone in the group I faced — Ivan, Summer, Daniel — study me with interest. “I have his codebooks and his lockbox here in my backpack,” I indicated the pack I had carried up with me. “I have his override, which works as a key and as a code simultaneously. I’m the only person in the world who can currently arm and disarm a Schmidt lock.”

The room was perfectly quiet; I wondered what the others thought. I spoke again: “Would that be enough for someone to try to kill me? Would it be enough for someone to rescue me from certain death? To have me followed? To put a bounty on me?”

Luke uttered one word: “Yes.”

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I then understood why my situation concerned the collective. They lived in danger by merely sheltering me. 

Is it necessary to be tortured to write?

I hate Edgar Allan Poe.

Don’t get me wrong, I love his short stories. I tolerate his poems, preferring The Cannibal Flea (I cannot find the author) to Poe’s version.

It’s just that Poe, among other writers, gives the rest of us writers a reputation it’s impossible for us to live down to.

Edgar Allan Poe: an unstable alcoholic who married his 13-year-old cousin and was found dying in a gutter. History attributes his death as resulting from everything from alcoholism to syphilis to rabies.

Virginia Woolf: diagnosed with bipolar disorder, showed antisemitism in several of her written communications despite being married to a Jew, fought against the medical establishment’s treatment of her disorder, committed suicide.

Tennessee Williams: prone to severe vegetative depressions, struggled with drug use, including the amphetamines and Seconal his doctor prescribed, mourned his younger days and loss of sexual attractiveness, died of choking on the cap of some nasal spray.

Dorothy Parker: escaped an abusive childhood, plagued with alcohol problems and self-doubt,  put on the Hollywood blacklist for being a suspected Communist.

Even Stephen King had a substance abuse problem — just about every substance, from what I can tell — until he quit in the early 1980’s.

One of my thoughts here, as I read over these synopses, is that all of us, if dissected so thoroughly, would have many of the same issues. Alcohol abuse isn’t the sole province of classic writers, nor is mental illness. My biography would have some of the same elements if I were one of the great classic writers (without the alcohol and drug use, as I like to live life unhindered), but I’m not even published yet, much less classic.

I also wonder if the public documents writers’ demons simply because we expect writers to have demons in order to be able to create. We still suffer from the belief that bipolar and depression create more creativity (the jury’s still out on that; I’m only able to create when the edge is taken off my mood swings).

So, this is our takeway: Everyone has demons, and the demons aren’t what qualify us to write.

I didn’t write yesterday.

I didn’t write yesterday.

I guess sometimes I need a break. Although I spent a few hours doing the following searches:

permaculture greenhouses
permaculture greenhouse plants
honey bees
honey bees Elko NV
Africanized honeybees
honey bees greenhouse
lizards eastern NV
venomous reptiles eastern NV

And I’m still looking. I have six greenhouses to fill with herbs, greens, and the like — well, five, because one dome is a production greenhouse for seedlings and the like.

Wish me luck today — I’d like to get 2000 words in!

Playing with the Dark Side

The dark side of our imaginations exist to remind us that many of our fantasies should not be fulfilled.

I left a tantalizing remark about the dark side of my imagination at the end of last night’s post, the type that begs for a response: “What about the dark side of your imagination?”
To be honest, the dark side of my imagination doesn’t like talking about the dark side of my imagination, because it envisions someone taking these notes and applying them to the dark side of seduction, something obsessive and manipulative and successful in a way that, in real life, I would call the police on.
In writing, the dark side of my imagination gets released. It imagines a dying world of lethal competition for scarce commodities like clean water (Voyageurs); a cold, vicious being crushing an unsuccessful henchman so badly that DNA analysis is the only way to identify him (Gaia’s Hands); a near-immortal being bidding his protege and lover to hold his heart in its pericardial sac (Mythos); a crazed militia leader aiming at a courageous old lady with dispassionate media crews filming without interceding (Apocalypse). 
The darkness in these moments comes from the conflict of emotions and actions — we aren’t supposed to rejoice in having a hole punched in our chest or kill others with cold satisfaction or watch a murder with our only reaction professional pride at having captured the story. Writers feel their own conflicts — in real life we would reject the possessive girlfriend, abhor the poisoner and his method, get grossed out at the righteous punishment of the rapist by crushing his testicles (or as an old friend once put it, castration by “a brick, an anvil, and some duct tape.” My friend had a very dark side.)
We don’t want to witness any of these things in real life. But we writers put them in books to exorcize the demons from our minds, to get justice in the end for the executors of these deeds, and to allow us to go back to our happier fantasies of sitting in the perfect bookshop.

Nurturing Spaces

Somewhere, there exists a perfect coffeehouse. The light is soothing, nothing like this coffeehouse I currently sit in. It is paneled in warm wood, nothing like this coffeehouse I currently sit in. It has local art on the walls, nothing like this coffeehouse I currently sit in. The espresso is rich with thick crema and a twist of lemon, and a piece of dark chocolate on the side, NOTHING like this coffeehouse I currently sit in. In the perfect coffeehouse, I can crawl in bleary-eyed after a day of writing and feel like I’m home, nothing like this coffeehouse I currently sit in. 

I think I’ve made myself clear about the coffeehouse I currently sit in.
One of the great things about being a writer is that I can create nurturing spaces that I can’t find in real life, spaces that literally make me weepy-eyed. A kitten pile on a warm wood floor, a cottage in a place called Heaven, a coffeehouse where I can be completely unselfconscious, a toy shop where a young Kris Kringle builds wooden toys. A rainy alley where two people kiss for the first time, an attic where the sun shines in through a window, an auditorium with perfect acoustics.
If I encountered my imagination in real life, I would wonder if I was in heaven, which means I’d wonder if I was dead, and whether the afterlife would be a place where I literally walked through my imagination. That wouldn’t be bad as long as I didn’t indulge the darker parts of my imagination.

Thank you, Google!

A joke among writers these days is “I hope nobody looks at my search history”. This is an excerpt of my Internet search history for this novel:

Sindarin language
Tengwar alphabet
Gold bullion
Pickle Lake ON
Grand Marais MN
Duluth MN
rat finish automobile
petroleum fractionator
biodiesel
jatropha biodiesel
castor oil biodiesel
sewage biodiesel
transesterification biodiesel
Pickle Lake, ON to Chicago
Milwaukee Avenue subway station Chicago
Adair, IA I-80 rest stop
Bull Mastiff
How dogs kill
Wagonhound, WY rest stop
Pine Bluffs WY
smallpox
underground desert housing
Owyhee Desert
desert sheep breeds
Navajo Churro sheep
Mammoth Jacks
desert goat breeds
guanacos
Great Pyrenees
off-road motorcycle
Nubian goats
goat milk
mare’s milk
dry land farming
water reclamation
how to build a generator
borax mine Nevada
working knife wood handle
natural black dyes
pumice mine Nevada
flora Elko County Nevada
mines Elko County Nevada
ricin poisoning symptoms
how easy is it to synthesize ricin

(Note: I did not search “HOW to synthesize ricin”, because I really don’t want to know.)

This is only a partial search. When I write, I envision subject matter experts leaning over my shoulder saying, “No way can you put straight castor oil in that car!” and the like. Remember also that I’m not great at visualizing things, even if I’ve seen them before like the Milwaukee Avenue subway station in Chicago or the Adair, IA rest stop.

I could use a “fantasy version” of my post-United States, I guess, but I want people to feel the discomfort of seeing familiar places turned to rubble. So I need to work with earth rules — except for the Archetypes, of course …

Thanks again for reading.

Wow. I don’t know what to write today. I think all my brain cells dedicated to writing are all tied up with this novel. Which is a good thing, I guess — I think some of my posts have been suffering in quality because of my latest writing obsession.

I suppose I could take a break from the blog while writing, but — I can’t —

Because I love the attention.

I’m not really an accomplished Facebook writer, because I don’t know how to be one of the cool kids. Honestly. I’m in my own little world sometimes, and someone asks, “How are you?” and I say, “Kitty! Look at the kitty!”

I love that you’re visiting me. I hope I’m not babbling every day, I hope you care about what you read, I hope that I’m giving you an idea about what the mind of a writer, and in this case a cute, cuddly writer who writes about apocalyptic futures (appearances can be deceiving, can’t they?) and cats.

Yes, I will be the first to admit that I can be a little dramatic, especially when talking about finding an agent, editing, and My Mission to Save the World through My Novels. (Capitalized for embarassing self-importance).

But I see you come visit — not by name, but by place: US (the majority of visitors), Portugal, Poland, Ukraine, Germany, Peru, Russia, Costa Rica (I think I know who you are!), France, Canada, United Kingdom (I DO know who you are!), Hong Kong and India (Haven’t seen you folks in a while!) and maybe a couple I’ve forgot.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for putting up with my ups and downs. Thank you for being the anonymous people who make my day.