The most positive change I made in my life in the past 15 years was getting on psychiatric medication. It’s not as easy a decision as one might think, even though I was in the middle of a mixed episode, which resulted in suicidal ideation in the middle of a hypomania. It was bipolar II, something I had lived with all my life, and which I thought I had managed well.
I had not managed it well, I discovered when I went on medication. Despite the fear that it would take away my creativity (a fear of many people with bipolar disorder), it gave me the discipline to sit and write. Rather than take away my personality (another common fear), it stabilized me to where I had a personality rather than mood swings. I looked back on various parts of my life where I made risky decisions, and realized that those decisions weren’t me, they were the disorder steering me toward stupid actions.
I wish I had found the medication sooner. It takes the average person with bipolar seven diagnoses before bipolar is breached. Mine was considered dysthymia (mild depression), then double depression later. The hypomania was not diagnosed because it looked like mood swings rather than a constant mania.
The medication doesn’t fix everything. I have a precise sleep schedule that keeps me on an even keel. I take care of myself and stay away from highly stressful situations when possible. I have been doing this for years and have only had minor outbreaks of hypomania or dysthymia; medication tweaks keep those in control.
I like the decision I made to go on medication. It’s made all my other good decisions possible.
Words Like Me 