I have a different definition of romantic than I think most people do. For example, I don’t find common gestures such as giving a bouquet of roses romantic in and of themselves. The first quality of being romantic, to me, is thoughtfulness. Experiences that speak to the other person are romantic. At one point in my life (I was much younger) I didn’t want roses, so my boyfriend brought me purple flowers — all sorts of purple flowers. Lots of purple flowers. That was romantic. He also once filled my room with balloons like a balloon pit. That was also romantic.

Romance can be found in emotional connection. One of the most romantic stories I’ve heard was a couple’s trip to Chicago where everything went wrong. They ended up being escorted out of a bad neighborhood by the cops and watching the rain rise over Lake Michigan. The laughter is what made it romantic.

Romance is very personal. It has to do with being in that place with that person uniquely. It doesn’t need to be a big gesture, it just has to be made with the other person in mind. A notion to share, a sensitivity to the other person. A little originality. It should engage positive emotions. It shouldn’t be a big, embarassing gesture (unless the other person likes those. They probably don’t.)

So my notion of romantic is not quite the norm. It’s the thought that counts, but the thought really has to be there.

What’s your definition of romantic?

I have an odd definition of romantic that does not involve bouquets of roses, ornate proposals, or diamond rings. What is romantic, to me, needs to be rooted to what’s meaningful to the couple in question.

For example, if your partner likes sunflowers, giving sunflowers will be much more romantic than giving roses. A public proposal is anti-romantic, serving only to satisfy the proposer’s ego, but a private proposal where you two first met has promise. Saving a ribbon, or a playbill or other memento, is a romantic gesture saying “I will remember you.”

Context, the context of the couple, is vitally relevant. Romance is a shorthand for a set of breathless feelings that the two will hopefully remember years later with the reminder of a moment. Generic content creates bland shared language.