In a Stuck Place

So I’ve been told by my developmental editor that I need to rewrite Apocalypse — not because it’s so bad, she says, but because it’s so good. My developmental editor, Chelsea Harper, knows her stuff and I know she’s right. Apocalypse is the combination of the second and third books I’d written, and I didn’t know things that I know now.

Still, I’m finding it hard to rewrite. First, because my semester is winding down, I have end-of-semester items in mind even when I’m not doing them yet, things like the final exam and projects to grade.

Second, because — well, basically what I have to do with the rewrite is:
1) Stretch out three chapters into the first third of the book
2) Rewrite the rest of the book with fewer points of view
3) Cut out some of the lag from the second half of the book
4) Add more tension and loss.

I think I can deal with 2-4 relatively easily, but I struggle with stretching out that first three chapters to eight chapters. I’ve tried outlining it (being a plantser, or someone who roughly outlines and fills in) but I don’t feel the inspiration.

I think I need to sit with it a while, talk with my characters and see what it is they want to do.

Wish me luck.

Day 24 Reflection: Understanding

We nod our heads and say “I understand.”

Do we really understand those around us — friends in crisis, strangers in need, people surrounded by injustice?

Too many times, we use the words “I understand” to mean something quite opposite — something along the lines of “Please stop talking, I can’t really handle this.” It’s easy to tell when we are saying “I understand” to stop the flow of a difficult story, because the words come out of a sense of rising panic.

We can’t understand until we open up and sit with someone’s words and feelings. We need to listen without prejudging to get the message. We need to make meaning of their words to understand. If we can’t do this, we need to find someone else to listen.

We might be tempted to offer solutions — we can’t truly understand if we’re doing this, because we’re searching for the problems to solve. We’re not using the silence between words to understand, but to select what we think is the big problem to solve.

To truly understand is to accept what the other says — not accepting it as universal truth, but accept it as that person’s truth. This can be sobering, frightening, or terrifying at times. But understanding is the first step to bridging the gap between people, to healing hurts, to changing the world.

Day 12 Reflection: Heal

I have been in a state of healing for most of my life.

I grew up with childhood trauma — sexual abuse and rape, bullying, an unstable parent. I will talk about resiliency later in this series, because today I want to talk about healing.

This is hard to write, because society tends to tell survivors to ‘get over it already’. The heart and mind don’t work that way. Childhood trauma changes one’s whole trajectory — how one sees oneself, what one believes is possible, how abnormal one feels compared to the children around them who haven’t faced the trauma and who blithely live their lives without picking around the traumatic experience.

I didn’t start healing until I left my hometown for college. Before that, I was still immersed in the toxic culture of the town and could not see my life as anything but pain. In my new life, however, I met people who loved me for myself, wreckage and all.

It was only then that I began to heal. I think love is an integral part of healing, because it shows us that we are more than the sum of our damage. It’s hard to let love in as an abuse survivor, but I had friends who persisted in loving me, and I became the person I had been denied.

I’m still healing, many many years later. It’s much better; the nightmares come rarely, and the memories have faded to neutral-toned snapshots, devoid of the pain. Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if I hadn’t had the childhood I had. But my life has turned out so much better than I had dreamed as a child, which I credit to healing.

I will likely heal for the rest of my life, as do many (if not all) of us. But healing is possible.

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