First Day of Classes Woe

 First day back to work (in a couple hours), and the beginning of the new semester. And this is what I’m expecting: 


  • Students who won’t turn their cameras on on Zoom
  • Me making some stellar mistake on Zoom that my students get me out of
  • One student who shows up in person despite two emails that said we will meet on Zoom for the first day.
  • At least one absolutely urgent task over email
  • A student who has figured out filters! on Zoom
  • Me almost forgetting my mask on a run to the bathroom
  • Kittens on Zoom!
This being said, there should be at least one totally unexpected thing happening today. Like another water main breaking (we had that the other day) or an Internet outage. 

This is the fun of teaching. You never know what to expect.

A spectacularly bad day

Yesterday was my first day of fall semester at Northwest Missouri State University, where I have been teaching for 21 years. And it was the most spectacularly bad day I’ve had in ages. I’m still laughing about it.

It started with getting in to Maryville after five hours sleep. That’s okay — I get dressed in my good clothes and put on makeup and even get my parking hang tag and card swiper (for attendance) before arriving at my office. I have time for last minute prep. I hook my computer in and turn it on —

ZAPZAPZAPZAPZAP… my computer keeps making this buzzing noise, and I turn it off and on again. And it doesn’t turn on. I grab my cell phone to call the help desk, and find I left my cell phone at home. And I don’t have any Nepresso pods in my office. 

I borrow the old spare computer and — it doesn’t work either.

So, instead of covering the course site and syllabus, I have to completely wing two sessions of case management. I did marvelously, at least. I can’t answer student emails. I can’t text Richard. I can’t look at cat videos to de-stress.

All I can do is laugh.

So I type this on my home computer (which is itself broken in that it doesn’t have any USB ports working) which I might bring to school while waiting for my work computer to get fixed. I can’t hook it up to the projector without USB ports, so I’ll have to wing it again today. 

Good thing I have a sense of humor.

The Rituals of a New Year

Tomorrow is the first day of my 25th fall semester as a professor.

I could say it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, but I’ve been doing this long enough that I don’t remember not going through the rituals of the beginning of the semester — writing syllabi, preparing course sites, figuring out what I need to say on the first day of the semester to keep from sounding like an idiot.
I don’t remember a fall semester where I haven’t had the nightmares born of the fear that things will not go well on the first day — the A/V equipment fails, the classroom is made up of walls and nooks such that some of the students can’t see or hear the lecture, I’m late for class, the students get frustrated and leave, I’m standing in front of the class in my underwear … dealing with the fear spawns its own ritual, that of re-preparing in the last minute so that nothing goes wrong.
What I wear to my first day of classes each year is its own ritual. It’s one of the few days I wear a suit, to remind myself that I’m not going into class naked like in my dreams. 
Twenty-five years teaching, and in some ways it’s like my first day, when I stood in front of my class in a navy blue suit. One of my students, in a thick Long Island accent, asked “Are you lost?” (It sounded to my midwestern ears as “Awwe yew Lawst?”)
“No, I’m the professor for this class,” I said.
“Ohh, I thought you were a student,” she proclaimed.

A good start to my NaNo novel —

“Once upon a time, there were beings who looked like people, only they weren’t the people you see every day. For one, they were stronger than ordinary people, and they lived a lot longer than ordinary people do. They existed to help people understand who they were and where they came from.  By the few who knew them, they were called Ancestors, Archetypes, or sometimes Alvar.

“They lived in a realm far away, yet as close as a thought. In this realm, they existed rather than lived, mere vessels for the ancient memories they held. Some of them tired of this passive role, and wanted to go Earthside to see these people they represented. So they jumped to Earthside, which was only a thought away, defying their Oldest. These Alvar occasionally chose to bring children into the world, which defied their Oldest to a degree that could not be forgiven. Of those Alvar were born the Earthed Alvar, who lived among people.

“There was one of the Alvar who was born of the male Kiowa Alvar and a female Alvar of legend, Lilith. They left him (for Alvar were born full-grown) with the Kiowa to learn about them and to help them. All he remembered of his birth was that two people, his parents, told him he was special and that he was never to give it away to anyone. 

“The Kiowa shaman named him “Old Man” even though he looked young, and as time passed, he did not age as the others did. Eventually, the band felt frightened of him because of his lack of aging, and he left to join other bands of the First People to hide his true age. He understood that others grew old and died, and he didn’t understand why he didn’t. He also wondered why he had never been young like the babies born to the Kiowa.

“Eventually, he was kidnapped by evil people who put him in chains, people who didn’t realize he was Alvar, but he escaped by jumping – something he had forgotten he could do – back to the place where the Kiowa, his original people, banded. They had gone away, but he became a cowboy, moving from place to place and job to job so that his true nature – which he didn’t understand – wouldn’t be detected.

“He lived like that for years, and finally found himself at a place of learning, so he could discover who he was. He fell in love with a woman named Allie, who looked at him as if she knew him, and asked him lots of questions that tipped close to uncovering his secret. One day, Allie took him to talk to their professor, and she, Mari, told Will that she was different in the way he was.  Mari told Will and Allie about the Alvar, and Allie grew to love him even though he was not like her. 

“One day, they made a child, born fully grown as children of Alvar and humans were born. All of the pain of Will’s past washed over him at the sign of his offspring, and his mind shattered. He disappeared before Mari or Allie could stop him. Allie never stopped loving him, or the child they had together, and she surrounded that child with all the love she could muster, love enough for two.”

“Mom,” I groused, “that’s not a bedtime story for a child – that’s an anthropological treatise.” I wasn’t joking – My mother, Alice Schmidt, was a preeminent anthropologist who studied Plains cultures at the arrival of white people. The story went that she had been trained by the famed Native American anthropologist MariJo Ettner, who disappeared ten years before and left her research notes to my mother. Alice Schmidt disappeared soon after, when my dad retired, and an anthropologist named Elaine Smith was hired halfway across the country from where Alice and her husband disappeared. I remember the safe house when we were in transition to our new identities, and the day I became Annie Smith.

“What do you expect?” my mother asked, her green eyes laughing. “You ask an anthropologist to tell a bedtime story, and you get anthropology. If you told a bedtime story, it would be a fable about an encrypted ghost that terrorized hackers.” Mom, of course, was right – not only because I had chosen to become a sociologist specializing in urban legends, but because I was my father’s daughter – and my father had been, before his retirement, a key government encryption expert. In other words, his programs were the ghost in the system.

“So that’s the bedtime story you told me?” I chided, hiding the fact that I couldn’t remember my childhood once again. 

“It was the best I could do,” Mom shrugged, then looked at me searchingly, as she often did. My dad strolled in – although I was my father’s daughter, I didn’t share his blond hair and blue eyes. My looks came from my mother – dark wavy hair and pale skin and freckles. “I packed up your car,” he sighed. “Could you pack more stuff next time so I actually get a workout?”

“What, and give up my life as a pauper?” I snorted, and hugged my father, who came to just above my chin. I hugged my mother, plump where I was slender. I studied their faces, which looked just a little older, just a bit more worn, than my first memories of them fifteen years before.

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It was the last time I would see them. Three months later, they were murdered by assailants unknown.