True Confession (or I doth profess too much)

I’m going over some old ground here.

I insisted that I didn’t want to get published for the recognition, but just to fulfill a goal.

I have to confess that I lied.

I have fantasies about getting published, about becoming well enough known that someone from my hometown contacts me, and I can snub them.

It’s horribly unbecoming of me to be like that. I don’t even like to admit I have that fantasy, but I do. Let me explain, and maybe you will understand me.

I grew up different. Intelligent, socially awkward, overweight — I lived in my own little world. I suffered from pica and ate glue and pencil erasers, as well as handfuls of sugar and Bisquick. I bit my nails. I laughed when nobody else laughed, I sang out loud for no apparent reason, not caring if someone else heard. I cried when people attacked me. I whined. All together, I was that unattractive kid that nobody liked. I don’t know if I would blame them.

Being that child, I was prone to bullying from my fellow classmates and adults. By the time I reached high school, I had been beaten up by classmates repeatedly, sexually abused by a few people, raped by classmates, threatened with desertion by my mother.

I made myself a coccoon from the outside world — from my parents, extended family, and classmates.  That coccoon was made of my fantasies, my behaviors, my wishes. In my coccoon, the monsters that everyone feared were my friends. The monsters would nurture me through the bullying, the attacks, the lack of safety I felt.  As I grew older, I fell in love in my fantasies — and when I told my best friend the name of who I had a crush on, she yelled it out the window, and every popular kid in the class shamed me in the hallways.

My childhood marred me. I have trouble making friends because I don’t want to impose myself on them. I have trouble loving my snot-nosed, eraser-eating inner child. (I tend to wish I had been Marcie as a child. Marcie is me without the snot nose and eraser eating.)

I entertain sadistic fantasies about my classmates from Marseilles. I entertain the thought that someday the tables could be turned and I could, if not bully them, reject them soundly. I feel guilty about that because it’s not a “pure” reason to want to be published.

I exorcise myself by writing. This blog post is no exception.

So, what is writing “good enough”?

I talked to my Pdoc (psychiatrist) the other day about how I don’t just want to be good at things, but excellent at them. I don’t just want to write, I want to get published; I want to earn awards at school, which makes me discount when individual students thank me for helping them, etc. (I’m sorry students, it’s not that you’re not important or good enough! It’s my problem!)

Dr. Jura suggested that I look around at what is held as the standard definition of good and then reduce it ten percent.

I would love to be doing things good enough rather than try to be the best, especially as I’m the best only in my dreams. I would love to write “just for myself” — much less strain, much fewer down moments. But I don’t seem to be able to settle for “good enough”, especially to writing. I associate love with accomplishment, and I want to feel loved. (Yes, Richard loves me, but my inner child is a voracious monster who needs love every moment of every day.) I want to earn being loved (I didn’t grow up with unconditional love). I want to —

I obviously have a values conflict here between “I want to win” and “I want to be accepted on my own merits. I need to resolve it.

I’ll be back to creative excerpts tomorrow.

Thank you — and a guided meditation story

Just a quick thank-you for listening. I know I’ve been writing pretty heavy stuff lately (except for Marcie segments), but I write from the heart, and that is where my heart is right now. It will not last forever, nor will it end in heartbreak. I have a purpose in life, even if I don’t know what it is right now.

********

Last night, I decided to do a guided meditation. I suggested to my walking mind that I find a safe place, and I ended up in a forest, a fantasy forest as if illustrated by a gifted child. The forest was full of huge trees with plump purple trunks that grew so tall I couldn’t see their branches. Pillowy moss grew underneath.

I sat, huddling against the immense trunk of a tree.

What do you need? A voice, a mother’s voice but so much not my mother’s.

“I don’t need anything. I take care of myself.”  Even as a child, I saved myself. There were never any princes to rescue me. I shifted against the rough, black-grooved bark of the tree.

I love you.

“That’s what you say. Of course you love me. You’re me. I know how guided meditation works.”

Yes, but that’s where all things start.

“What can you do for me?” I snapped. I asked for little; I demanded even less. “Can you make this hurt go away?”

I can be there for you. I can remind you you’re never alone. 

“Of course you can. You’re me. That makes me feel worse rather than better.” There I sat, in an imaginary forest, having a conversation with myself.

But I’m always here. Who else can say that? When it’s three in the morning, or everyone else is busy, or they don’t understand what you need, I’m here for you.

“I guess that makes sense.”

I curled up and fell asleep under the trees.

My Attempt at Writing Santa

I really don’t know how to write in the romance novel trope:

  1. I’m much more interested in relationships than sex. In fact,  I can’t write sex scenes without laughing.
  2. I don’t like the traditional gender roles expected: He’s strong rich and powerful, she’s beautiful (and maybe accomplished, but not as much as him). 
  3. Because I never wished for That Guy, I am out of touch with that particular female fantasy.
That being said, here’s an excerpt of a “meet cute” from my novel, The Kringle Conspiracy,  which was rejected by Harlequin for the above reasons.  I think it’s a fun exploration of the Santa mythos for adults.

*******

Marcia stood in front of a store she had somehow missed her first time down the block. She wondered how she could have missed it, as she could see through its windows well-crafted wooden toys and children’s furniture, not to mention dollhouses, rocking chairs for adults, and small carvings. Perhaps, she thought, she had dismissed it because of the “Closed” sign that hung on the door.

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As she stood there, nose pressed against a misty show window, she heard the jingle of keys. Her reverie broken, she turned to see the flannel-shirted man, a short, rugged-looking redhead with a close-cut beard, turn a key in the lock.

“Sorry I wasn’t here,” he said pleasantly as he pushed the door open. “I had to get some – hey, weren’t you just in the Book Nook?”

“Yeah, I was the one who chatted with your Santa friend.”

“My Santa friend – oh, yeah, Jack. He’s actually retired Air Force, believe it or not, but he comes out of retirement every year to play Santa for the community.”

“He does a great job. So, is this your store, or do you just work here?”

“This is my store.” He indicated the door with a flourish and stepped behind the glass counter full of small wooden sculptures.

Marcia stepped through the door he held open and instantly gravitated toward a wooden car that sat on a glass shelf, a cut-out with wheels. Of plain, unpainted wood, the car showed painstaking craftsmanship in the smoothness of the finish, the pleasant contours that comforted a hand. Marcia pushed it, feeling the “clack-clack-clack” the wheels made as it traveled down her invisible road. “I bet little kids really like this.”

“Not just little kids, apparently.” From behind the glass counter, the man grinned at her, a grin that removed all mockery from his words. Marcia realized that he was not as young as she had thought in the coffeehouse. He had the slightly weather-worn look fair-skinned men get in their thirties, with laugh lines around the eyes. The faint freckles and red hair, she thought – those must have thrown her off. 

“Oh, wow,” she breathed as things clicked in her head. “When you said this was your shop, you meant this was your shop.”

“Well, yes?” One eyebrow quirked itself at her.

“I mean – you make this stuff, don’t you?”

“Absolutely.” 

“Wow, you have a real talent!” She looked at the walls, the shelves with toys, the dollhouses, the hobbyhorses all glowing with warmth. I mean, I used to play with trucks like this, but they never felt so good. I bet your dollhouses have stairs that really go up to the second floor!”

“Where else would they go?” The shopkeeper chuckled, and Marcia sighed happily.

“I’ve always hated dollhouses that you can’t really walk through. And dollhouses that are all out-of-proportion to themselves.” Marcia talked rapidly, breathlessly, then stopped. “Listen to me get so worked up about toys!”

“And what’s wrong with that?” He casually strolled over to where she stood by the car, still idly pushing it.

“Nothing, I mean …”

The flannel-shirted man cut her off with a question she hadn’t expected. “Are you from around here?”

“No, I’m on sabbatical here till the end of the month.” She was relieved to talk about something she felt comfortable with instead of babbling. “I’m a grant reviewer for a private foundation.” 

“Sabbatical, eh? That means you’re a professor?”

“Got it in one. Just got tenure last year, and the college thought they could spare me one semester of leave to recover.”

“I should have guessed you were a professor.” 

She glanced over her shoulder, and saw that he played idly with a pen. “Why?”

”Because you don’t miss anything. Luckily, though, you’re not one of those stuffy arrogant types.”
Again, his smile, the raised eyebrow, took all potential sting out of the words.

“What makes you say that?” Marcia asked. “I might be stuffy and arrogant for all you know.”

“Because you still know how to say ‘wow’.”

“Wow – er, I mean, thank you!” She felt her cheeks grow warm.

“See what I mean?” 

Marcia’s cheeks grew even warmer. Fortunately, as she glanced up at a simply elegant mantel clock, she found an excuse to flee – “Oh! I’ve got fifteen minutes to get back across town!”

“Here, take this with you.” The man handed Marcia the pen he had played with, and she discovered that it had a business card tied to the end of its smooth, curvy, turned-wood body.

“Kris Kringle’s,” Marcia read aloud. “How odd … but this shop is yours and not the Santa guy’s?”

“My shop. I’m Kris.” 

“Kris – oh, no, not Kringle, is it?” Marcia laughed.

“Nope,” he chuckled, “Kriegel. But you can imagine what it was like for me in grade school. I decided to use it to my advantage.”

“I know all too well. I’m Marcia Wendt – as in ‘Marcia Wendt to Hell?’”

“Oh, dear,” Kris Kriegel said sympathetically. “You do understand, then.”

“Well, nice to meet you, Mr. Kriegel, but I do have to go. This pen – it’s too nice to give away, isn’t it?” Marcia felt torn – the pen was glossy and fat and entirely too pleasant to the hand. 

“No, really. It
s yours.” He curled her hand around the silky wood with both his hands, which felt warm and calloused.

“But why?”

“So you won’t lose the business card, of course.”