Valentine’s from the Outside

This will likely not go into Whose Hearts are Mountains, but I wanted a writing exercise on alternatives to Valentine’s Day, mostly to understand the collective members (Archetypes)
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We sat around the Trees, of course, in the deep night. Through the dome, we could see stars; our only other illumination the faint glow of lights that ringed the edges of the dome’s spacious lawn. I looked around at the collective members: Estella with her dusky skin and musical voice; Davis, with his tight curls and stocky build; Summer’s impish face in shadow; Daniel, his tall lanky bulk next to me …

Mari, as always the apex point of the semicircle, sat with her back to the Trees. “Kirsten and Derek” — the pale twins with almost white hair who looked unworldly — “informed me that we hadn’t celebrated Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh, no!” Jude chuckled from a hidden perch in the tree. “Whatever shall we do?”

“You might recall,” Mari said repressively, “we …” She paused to think, and that in and of itself suggested secrets. “We have placed importance on rituals to celebrate and cement our heritage.”

A long silence ensued, the type where people turn to each other and silently ask, “What do you think?” and nobody has anything to say.

I decided to break the silence: “Valentine’s Day is a problematic holiday.”

“Why?” Estella wondered aloud.

Another mystery — why did this group regard Valentine’s Day as a mystery? In the years before the Battles, the media was full of Valentine’s Day ads exhorting consumers to remember their loved one with increasingly expensive items. Could they have missed that? Were they refugees from a monastery?

“The trouble is that,” I explained as if my audience had never heard of Valentine’s Day except in name only, “the holiday celebrates romantic love, love between two bonded partners. It had become a competition over the last century, with the price of the presents representing how much you ‘love’ a partner, and disdain toward people who didn’t have a partner.” Having never had a partner, I’d noticed that last point keenly. “I’m not sure that’s what you want to introduce to the collective. It fosters jealousy and inequality.”

A long silence ensued. “Why did — who would invent that kind of holiday where your happiness was at the expense of others?”

“That’s easy,” I shrugged. “People selling items meant to be romantic. To create a market where people will spend more.” Not for the first time, I wondered if the economic collapse of North America had its advantages.

“We don’t buy and sell,” Summer said, braiding a strand of her hair in silhouette. “Nor do we buy partners, really. I mean, Lilly and Adam are partners, but they don’t own each other …” Daniel nodded his head, and I wondered about Lilly and Adam’s story.

“Ok,” I jumped in. This was folklore. This was what I was good at. “What is your notion of love?”

“Love?” Jude inquired, hanging from a branch.

“Love?” a less-familiar voice at the other end of the semi-circle echoed. “Hmm … I guess love is when you set down your wants to take care of another’s needs.”

“Love is training your eyes outside yourself to the people around you,” Estella intoned.

“Love is allowing the other into the pattern of your life,” Daniel rumbled beside me.

The answers were what I would have expected from a communal society — had these folks always been communal? Were their parents communal? How could that happen without anthropologists like me discovering them and writing about them?

“Ok,” Mari — the premiere Native American anthropologist and my mother’s mentor — called out. “How do we show love?”

As the residents around me fell silent, I took out my notebook, waiting for the answers this unique group had to offer.

PS: Heart as Large as an Autumn Moon.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m an expert at this. I have not yet found an agent or gotten published. I just consider this blog a way to communicate with people, let people read my stuff, and teach myself by teaching others. That being said, the alternative name for this blog was “The Words are Important”. I chose the name “Words Like Me” because of the pun in English — “Do the words like me or ARE they like me?” (Both, I think).

Words are my way of expressing myself, because my voice has grown rusty, I have pretty noticeable coordination problems at times, and my ability to draw improved till fifth grade and then stopped. I am from a creative family — in fact, I sometimes think I am the least talented. My mother designed embroidery projects that became poster art and painted Easter eggs with flowers. My father designed projects; the china cabinet he made me out of an old wooden crate and panes from our 100-year-old house is my most prized possession. My sister does photography and my mother told me repeatedly that she wrote better than I did. My youngest niece has considerable graphic talent.

I feel the need to express myself. I had a childhood of emotional and sexual abuse and bullying. I once had a classmate try to run my boyfriend and I over with a car. I was an easy victim because I was emotionally sensitive and socially awkward. I survived because I have uncanny emotional strength, not because it wasn’t all that bad. I’m still socially awkward at times and emotionally sensitive, but I get away with it because I’m an adult now. And because it provides the fuel for me to write.

My writing includes themes of overcoming dystopia through human resilience, finding beauty in people around me, and moods, moods, and moods. I want you to read these. If I write these things, I do so because I wear my heart on the outside.

I want to know you. I want to know you if you write; I want to know you if you don’t write. I want to watch your creativity, even if you don’t think you’re creative. I want you to critique me (honestly) or just say “Hi”! I want you to take my words and tuck them into your heart and go out and love one another.

My heart is large enough for new family members. If you want to be family, let me know.

Love languages and your characters.

According to The Five Love Languages (Chapman 1995), we predominantly express and perceive love in one of five ways:

  • gift giving
  • quality time
  • words of affirmation
  • acts of service (devotion)
  • intimacy. 

Now keep in mind that there are many different kinds of love — the ancient Greeks, who remain the experts in categorizing types of love, named:

  • agape, or love for the world
  • ludus, or playful love (this word has the same root as “ludicrous”)
  • phila, or deep friendship (this word has the same root as “Philadelphia”)
  • eros, or sexual/sensual love
  • pragma, or longstanding love (this word has the same root as “pragmatic”)
  • philautia, or love of self.
Because there are different types of love, we can apply the love languages to any significant relationships, from friendships (phila) to old couples (pragma) to passionate lovers (eros) to mutual crushes (ludus). These Greek labels describe types of love, but not how they’re expressed.
Each of these types of love could be expressed in one of the five love languages. In reality, we may use more than one love language, but not be fluent in all five, which causes relationship problems when the other person speaks different love languages. This can cause conflict — both in terms of real life and in terms of a story.
For example, you could have a character whose main love language was acts of service, so he thought he was saying “I love you” when he made the bed in the morning. His spouse, on the other hand, expected words of devotion, and thought his making the bed was just performing the daily chores. Both felt unloved as a result, until they got into an argument:
“What do you mean, you make the bed because you love me? That’s something you’re supposed to be doing! Are you telling me you see me cooking dinner as a sign of devotion toward you?” she screeched.
“Well, yes,” he snapped.
“You gotta be shitting me.”
(Ah, the miracle of love!)
Many romance novels depend on this misunderstanding trope, whether or not the writers are unaware of love languages. The man is silent and devoted to protecting the woman (but does limited service in other areas such as housework), and expresses himself with acts of devotion and intimacy (sexual only, as emotional intimacy seems lost on the strong, silent type).  The woman misinterprets this as “he only wants to have sex” at the same time she’s irresistibly drawn to the sex. The man, because of his devotional love language, marries the woman to protect her from anything from unwed pregnancy to eviction, and the woman interprets this as duty because the man won’t actually admit he loves her, apparently because he believes that uttering words of affirmation before the last chapter will unman him. 
So a word to the wise: understand your characters’ love languages. Understand your friends’ love languages. Watch what they do, watch what they encourage you to do. Don’t expect them to understand your language; learn theirs.
Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Committment to your Mate. Northfield Publishing. 

Utopian Musings

When the front passed through last night, and the air cooled, I slept …

In my dream, Richard and I drove into a town with colorful old buildings, showcase windows cluttered with the wares sold inside. It was like the small town I grew up in, except the wicked decrepitude of my home town had been replaced by benevolent wisdom.

Richard dropped me off at what looked to be a coffeehouse to write, while he consulted a mechanic to check out a noise the car made. I stepped inside the coffeehouse, and found myself in a large space with worn wood floors, weavings and carvings and peacock-hued jewelry. A table toward the center displayed baked goods, paper plates, and plastic forks. I had expected the goodies to be behind the counter for sale, but people walked up to the table freely after they’d bought coffee.

“We’re having a party,” a tiny woman with white hair and glasses smiled, brandishing a fork. “Please, join us.”

I’m sure I hesitated, and a middle-aged man with white-blond hair said behind me, “No, really. You’re welcome.” I felt welcome — I had never felt welcome anyplace, any time in my life.

Richard walked in. “Richard, we have to find a way to live here. This is where I was meant to be.”

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In this current age, we hold utopia suspect. Dystopia sells, because it speaks to our mood. Dystopia helps us say, “See? Those are my scars, the ones I hold secret. This is my damage.” We all are damaged, we all need to speak our damage, but we walk through life feeling we have no home.

We mistrust utopia. To be that loved, to feel true communion, bears risks — what if they disappoint me? What if they change their mind, what if they quit loving me? In reality, everyone we love disappoints us and changes their mind because they’re as human as we are. But utopia is the moment where we find ourselves loved, frozen in time.

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(You’re damned right I’m going to use this in my writing.

Nocturne

The FEMA app on my phone announces that the three-day heat advisory has expired. The air outside hangs heavily.  I feel its weight in my chest, as if it has settled in my soul.

Too much time to myself, too much time to think. Too many heavy questions — why does my childhood self walk through my dreams? What does she search for?

I wrote this song twenty years ago. Why does it repeat over and over?
To dance naked in this pool of light
is all the moment requires of me —
eyes closed, as if I were alone
but I know you are there, almost —
almost close enough to feel,
almost close enough to touch;
my hand reaches out to touch your face
and touches air — you are not close enough …

Why do the fleeting moments when we know we’re loved fade and leave us doubting again?
Why have we all been wounded?

When the cold front moves in tonight, it may rain or even hail. Perhaps that will clear the air.