Yesterday I was at 20 hours, equivalent to 20k words. I also got schooled on how I really should proofread better, because a submission of mine had a wrong name at least once in the 1000 words.
It turns out we had to put Snowy to sleep yesterday; she had had a stroke as suspected. It’s always a little hard to witness, the anesthesia and then the needle to the heart.Â
I’m a bit subdued today — a little tired, a little down. It’s about Snowy and it’s about a lot of rejections lately, with no glimmers of hope on the publishing front. I don’t despair as much as I used to with rejections; I’ve become inured to them. I am wondering once more if my writing is unmarketable, and if so, why.
Looking for the good in today — my classes are going well and I’m getting enough sleep. I’ve been productive both in writing and in submitting (short stories and the like). I stirred myself up enough to write this.
So, I’m taking the advice of an editor I met at Gateway Con and putting novels on the back burner until I get something on the track to publication. In their stead, I’ve been playing with short stories (my first love) and flash fiction. And submitting same.
I got another rejection today; that makes four out of 25 on Apocalypse. I might have to accept the fact that I get through this querying cycle without any offers, or even nibbles, again.
I’m not sure what to do. I suppose I can wait and query my novels again, to see if the climate has improved. Or I can self-publish, and I’m still very opposed to doing that. I don’t know if there’s an editor that can help at this point.Â
I’m going to try to stay optimistic, mostly because it feels better that way. I am going to let this adversity strip me down to gold, and I don’t know what that version of me will look like, but I’m willing to go there.
I’ve been raising the stakes on the final battle in Apocalypse, and there’s a body count. I could be done with the big revisions by end of Saturday, and then there’s a big read-through for flow, continuity, and things I forgot to tweak.Â
The book has become quite dark, but that’s to be expected given that it’s the freaking Apocalypse. I’m hoping it’s improved. I’m hoping it turns out really good.Â
I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to maintain the daily entry but I wrote my first piece of flash fiction yesterday.
Not much else to say — I have five submissions out (including Prodigies) and didn’t get any rejections yesterday.Â
Talk to you later!
I can’t avoid writing any more.
I had excuses the past couple days — “I’m tired from writing my final”; “I’m tired from driving down to Kansas City and back to visit my intern” — good excuses, both of them, But, honestly, I need to get back into the scheme of things.
Another excuse I’ve made to myself is that I’m used to working at the cafe, because it’s out of the house, it’s novel yet familiar, and there’s coffee (admittedly there’s coffee at home, but it takes work). I haven’t been able to work at the cafe lately because of the need for two screens at this point in editing. I need one screen to look at the marked-up Word copy of Prodigies and the other to make changes to the Scrivener copy (I keep my work on Scrivener because I can print out manuscripts and the like as needed.) We have an office, a claustrophobic affair with two big screens, but it’s easier to avoid working there because I can quit right after I’ve started without having to pack up, pay my tab, and drive home. (Those items are disincentives to leaving, believe me.)
Richard got the idea to utilize my old (and unused) iPad as a second screen for mobile editing. It’s a great idea, as it turns out — even though the screen is small, it will show enough information for me to work with. The software to do this, which must be installed on both the iPad and the PC, is called Duet Display and the details are here: Duet Display.Â
So I have no excuses today. I only have a meeting in the morning, and then I’m free. I have a system to work with to help with the dual display need, and I have a place to go.
Now to steel myself to the fact that I need to stack all chances against the poor residents of Barn Swallows’ Dance and kill a few.Â
****************
Note: I have gotten a couple of rejections since yesterday, but I’m okay with it. They weren’t big things, and one of them was hastily written to meet a theme. I’m still waiting on big stuff.
I haven’t reported my writing/query progress for a while, so here it is:
My Prodigies query got rejected by Tor/Forge and a lot of agents over the past few months.
My query is now out to three publishers — one big, the others small and independent.
One of the small presses asked for my whole manuscript, which is progress. We shall see.
The other two presses — it’s early days yet.
Please keep me in your thoughts and even prayers if you think this unabashedly liberal and universalist Quaker deserves them.
Yesterday, I asked my Facebook friends how to tell the difference between low self-esteem and brutal self-examination.
One of my friends responded with this inquiry: “Always ask yourself if you are being your own best friend. If you were talking to a friend would you talk that way? If not, that voice doesn’t pay rent for space in your head. Kick her out!”
I thought about this — How do I talk to myself?
I spend a lot of time examining my behavior, a running commentary in my head. But I don’t indulge in negative self-talk. I don’t say “OMG, I can’t believe you put that in your query letter! You’re an idiot!” I say, “That went well, but you could have done better with this other thing.” Which I could have. Â
Would I talk to a friend like that? If they asked. Maybe I would emphasize the positive a bit more, which I don’t do for myself. To be honest, I need to point out more of the positives to myself.Â
Another friend of mine, a psychologist, pointed out that self-awaqreness correlates with accomplishment but self-esteem doesn’t. This is from research; I haven’t found the study yet to give the citation. It makes sense, though — self-awareness helps people to improve and it also gives them a connection to what they want to accomplish. Self-esteem, on the other hand, may help people feel good about themselves but lies separate from introspection. Self-esteem without self-awareness can become fatuous, a feel good mantra without substance. And self-awareness comes from self-examination.
When I write and I get rejections (which is all I’ve gotten so far), I go through what I’ve done to see where I could improve. This requires me to step back from the story I fell in love with when I wrote it. I think about the publication market versus my topics and ask myself whether I want to write specifically for the market (I want to write and see where the fantasy novel market and I intersect). I improve where I can, honing my skills at editing and using help like developmental editors.
 Brutal self-examination isn’t fun. It’s a familiar commentary of “Have you tried this?” and “Next time do that” and “This would have worked better here”. I have to admit I don’t celebrate my successes enough, and I would have to tone down the post-mortem questions if I were talking to a friend. I need to take more time for “You did this well” and “You’re doing the right things” and “Good job!”Â
Another thing to examine myself about.
Hope springs eternal.
I sent a query off to DAW Books, one of those other Big 5 publisher imprints that don’t require an agent. If my history with Prodigies is any indication, I should hear nothing from them in 6-8 weeks (they don’t send rejections if I understand correctly) and be done with it.
Why do I do it, even though my chances of being chosen for publication are small?
Because if I don’t do it, I’ll never know.
Because I’m the sort of person who tries, even if I fail.
Because I like to make things happen.
Because I’m an eternal optimist.
Because I think my writing deserves to be read.
Because I don’t want to be the one that gave up too soon on a dream.
(Note: I am experimenting with larger print for a reader of mine.)Â
Idea for my next book from the idea file:
Luke Dunstan, 6000-year-old Archetype, serves as a liaison between the immortal Archetypes and the humans whose cultural DNA the Archetypes hold. An edict from the Archetypes’ Maker bids the Archetypes prepare to return these memories in the trust of the humans. Facing their loss of identity, the Archetypes draw battle lines; countless human lives are at stake. It is up to Luke and one young woman, Leah Inhofer, to stop the battle of Archetype against Archetype.
*******
I really need to get back into writing. Or at least editing.
I’ve been editing a bit, but even then I often skip out on it because it’s tedious to go through a document to kill all the extra “have had has was were”. I haven’t written on a novel since finishing Whose Hearts are Mountains in December. I have some old ideas in my file (see above) but no new “a-ha” falling in love with the idea motivation.
Writing the blog every day, as I mentioned yesterday, is my lifeline to writing. As long as I write in my blog I’m still a writer. Right?
I’m afraid that if I keep getting rejections, my current lack of commitment puts me in an easy place to just walk away. This might be a good thing for me in the greater scheme of things, but it’s not good when I think about being a writer. Â
So I’m musing about what to do. Again.Â
Â
Words Like Me 