Tag: self-esteem

Self-esteem, according to Positive Psychology

This essay is my answer to an essay question I gave my personal adjustment class on their take-home final:


In positive psychology, there are two theories of self-esteem, and they lie at polar opposites to each other. One is sociometer theory, which says we get our self-esteem by how others see us, and the other is self-affirmation theory, which says we get our self-esteem by what we tell ourselves. 

The general belief in popular culture that affirmations can help our mood is based on self-affirmation theory. I will admit that my daily affirmations — “I am worthy of love/I am worthy of luck/I am worthy of success/I am worthy of good things” make me look at my life more positively. 

But my gut tells me that sociometer theory may be dominant in explaining self-esteem. We have a natural need to fit in. It’s a survival mechanism, so it’s only natural that we base our self-esteem by the ability to fit in. When we look at bullying and its relationship to teen suicides, we see sociometer theory at work, because bullies target the victim’s need to look outward for self-esteem. 

On the other hand, society needs outsiders as well, people who don’t fit in, because that’s where societal change happens. Maybe those people (and I consider myself one of those people) use self-affirmation to have the strength to live their lives courageously. I find myself longing that I could fit in, because it would be so much easier, but I work hard on my self-affirmations so I can continue to function.

Self-examination and the Author

Yesterday, I asked my Facebook friends how to tell the difference between low self-esteem and brutal self-examination.

One of my friends responded with this inquiry:  “Always ask yourself if you are being your own best friend. If you were talking to a friend would you talk that way? If not, that voice doesn’t pay rent for space in your head. Kick her out!”

I thought about this — How do I talk to myself?

I spend a lot of time examining my behavior, a running commentary in my head. But I don’t indulge in negative self-talk. I don’t say “OMG, I can’t believe you put that in your query letter! You’re an idiot!” I say, “That went well, but you could have done better with this other thing.” Which I could have.  

Would I talk to a friend like that? If they asked. Maybe I would emphasize the positive a bit more, which I don’t do for myself. To be honest, I need to point out more of the positives to myself. 

Another friend of mine, a psychologist, pointed out that self-awaqreness correlates with accomplishment but self-esteem doesn’t. This is from research; I haven’t found the study yet to give the citation. It makes sense, though — self-awareness helps people to improve and it also gives them a connection to what they want to accomplish. Self-esteem, on the other hand, may help people feel good about themselves but lies separate from introspection. Self-esteem without self-awareness can become fatuous, a feel good mantra without substance. And self-awareness comes from self-examination.

When I write and I get rejections (which is all I’ve gotten so far), I go through what I’ve done to see where I could improve. This requires me to step back from the story I fell in love with when I wrote it. I think about the publication market versus my topics and ask myself whether I want to write specifically for the market (I want to write and see where the fantasy novel market and I intersect). I improve where I can, honing my skills at editing and using help like developmental editors.

 Brutal self-examination isn’t fun. It’s a familiar commentary of “Have you tried this?” and “Next time do that” and “This would have worked better here”. I have to admit I don’t celebrate my successes enough, and I would have to tone down the post-mortem questions if I were talking to a friend. I need to take more time for “You did this well” and “You’re doing the right things” and “Good job!” 

Another thing to examine myself about.