Day 6 Reflection Part 2: My struggle

I may be moving away from writing. Or at least writing novels.

I just haven’t felt it lately. The thrill of writing hasn’t been there since I finished Whose Hearts are Mountains in December. I haven’t started a novel since then; now I have struggled with proofreading/editing the last of my backlog of novels before developmental edit.

The fantasy of getting published has pretty much died. I don’t know if the average of 250 readers per self-published novel is worth $500 in developmental edit fees and sixty to 100 extra hours of work per novel. I don’t know if I could even get that many readers. I’m wary of the pitfalls the vulnerable writer can fall into: vanity presses and publishing mills, and will not consider those as choices.

The thing that really worries me is that, when I say “I could quit,” I often don’t feel a thing. No cheer, no relief, no regret, almost like I hadn’t spent five years, countless hours, $2000 and an investment of identity into writing novels and trying to get published.

I don’t feel bad about quitting until I write this out: I might quit my quest to be published. When I say that, I feel the death rattle of a dream, but at the same time I wonder if that dream of being published, being read is unreasonable, unworkable, pie-in-the-sky. I wonder if there are more reasonable things to dream about.

This is my struggle. Pray for me, or wish me luck, or whatever you feel moved to do.

Think good thoughts — I’m struggling to write.

Sorry I haven’t been writing lately. I’ve been on the road for a friend’s birthday party, and today I’ve been writing — very slowly. It turns out my “revision” of Mythos/Apocalypse is actually becoming a serious rewrite of the first section of the book. As in starting from scratch, in third person, new information, and cutting back on some of the extraneous storybuilding.

I don’t know what I think about it. This is why writing is going so slowly — two hours later and I’m still on the same page, two paragraphs down. I usually write faster than that. Much faster. I’m hoping that this is just a temporary slowdown and not a serious writer’s block.

Think good thoughts for me.

I haven’t written in two weeks.

I’m still trying to sort out my relationship with writing.

If’ you’ve followed this blog for long enough, you’ll know that I’ve said this so many times that you figure I’m crying wolf. You’re probably right — I say this when I’m deeply depressed and I can’t shoulder any more stress and I don’t want to think of those hundred-some rejections I’ve received so far in my life.

Here are the questions I need to consider:

1) Why do I write? I think with me, it’s complicated:

30% because I have ideas
20% because I want to improve as a writer
30% because I want people to read my stuff
10% because I want my world view (diversity, nonviolence, interdependence) to further get a toehold in the mainstream
10% because I want to get published.

What makes this complicated is that it will take getting published for people to read my stuff; it will take an editor to improve my writing; it will take getting published mainstream to get those ideas looked at in the mainstream.

2) Would I be comfortable being self-published?

Likely not. The great thing about self-publishing is that anyone can do it. The bad thing is that everyone does, regardless of talent. I’ve read a selection of self-published books — Cassandra Bruington, your memoir was awesome. The romance novels — lowest common demoninator, not written well — the exception is when one of my favorites Robin D. Owens self-publishes, and she’s a professionally published author with a large number of romance fantasy books. And then there’s the others — writing that could best be described as barely developing the plot outline, plot lines that only exist to justify a book-long sex scene, and the occasional Twilight clone. In the first scene of one book, which had the promising title of King of the Gypsies, the author was obviously getting too turned on by the antagonist’s thoughts upon watching the woman he was going to rape and kill. I had to take a bath after reading that chapter.

I don’t like my chances of getting read in this scenario.

3) Would it help to take a break?

It wouldn’t hurt — I have six completed novels, two novels in progress, and two non-fiction ideas in progress.

4) What about that editor?

We’re going to see what we can afford when the income tax return comes in.

5) Will you still write this blog?

If you’ll still read it. Let me know what kind of posts you like to read. (I know you all love to read Marcie, but Marcie will continue to guest-write rather than take over this blog. She has homework to do, and she keeps insisting she’s writing her first novel of ten pages.)