Who I am and why I write

 I haven’t done this for a while, so…

My name is Lauren Leach-Steffens, and I am 57 years old, about to turn 58 in a couple weeks. I don’t feel that old unless I try to sleep on the ground while camping, and then I feel every year of that and more. When I am not writing, I teach college at a small midwestern regional university. I’m an associate professor who has had tenure for the past 15 years.

I am a writer. I write contemporary fantasy, with the philosophy that the unusual is hidden in plain sight for those who know to look. My world, which looks much the same as this one, hides preternatural beings, people with hidden talents, and legends that shape the earth for lifetimes.

I first declared myself a writer at age seven, when my third grade teacher posted my Groundhog Day poem on the classroom door. I remember going home and telling my mother I wanted to be a poet when I grew up. She asked me if I wanted to eat, and I was the sort of person who liked cookies more than just about anything. So I said “Yes,” and my mother informed me that poets starved. It was then I set aside my dream of becoming a poet.

It wasn’t that I quit writing. I wrote poetry and stories all throughout school. In fifth grade, I got roped into writing a poem for a high school neighbor (even though it was cheating) — he got an A. My eighth grade English teacher collected two years’ worth of poetry and gave it back to me to keep when I left eighth grade.

I wrote poems and short stories (although I know now they were more character sketches) throughout my life, even as I was working on my PhD, but I didn’t make much of it. I didn’t revise for publication, I didn’t let people read them, I didn’t publish them.

And then, five years ago, I started writing a series of short stories and character sketches around a general plot line, and my husband said, “If you’re going to write all these stories about the same thing, you might as well write a novel.” 

I didn’t think I could. But as I started writing, I came up with a first draft. A problematic first draft that I am still revising. But then I wrote another and another.

My novels have not been published yet, but I have had short stories and poetry published and recognized — an essay in A3 Review, poems in Sad Girl and by Riza Press, short stories that have won honorable mention by Cook Publishing and New Millennium Writings and Sunspots, to name a few. 

I have dreams — getting one of those novels published, getting published in a more selective journal (even though I write fantasy), getting something to really brag about. But for now, I write, and I continue writing. 

Optimism

 I grew up in a household where optimism was terminated with extreme prejudice. “Don’t look forward to anything — you might get disappointed,” my mother would say, as her mother said before her and so on.

As a result, I am wary of my optimism. Whenever I submit a query to a publisher or agent, whenever I submit a poem or short story to a website or literary journal, my mind fantasizes about getting that acceptance, that stamp of approval that is going to change my life forever, and the nagging Mom-voice kicks in with the family legacy,

 


 

Most of the time, I don’t get accepted. With my short stories and poems, I think I have a 10% publishing rate, which isn’t bad. I haven’t gotten more than an honorable mention in a “high literary” outfit. Which isn’t bad, but maybe not life-changing.

As for the novel front, I haven’t gotten an agent or publisher yet despite a whole lot of improving and improving and editing and rewriting and querying and … yet every time I submit I daydream about how I’ll get picked up and my life will change.

And I will get disappointed again. Which is why I distrust my optimism. Which is the wrong thing to do.

There is nothing wrong with optimism. It helps me motivate for another try. It puts a bounce in my step. It enhances my day. Sure, I might get my hopes crushed (90% of the time I do) but the optimism is worth it.              

So I will stay optimistic despite my internal Mom-voice trying to ruin all my fun. It might pay off in the end.                                  

Finding the Story in the Dream

 

 

I finally found motivation yesterday! It came in the form of a dream, a dream that involved a man I had a crush on, escaping from his hoodlum associates, and gossiping with women I didn’t know. 

 The story I wrote had nothing to do with hoodlums or gossip, but everything to do with crushes and letting them go.  It took interpreting the dream to come up with the connection.

I don’t do Gestalt analysis anymore, where you tell the dream from the perspective of every significant person and object in the dream, mostly because that gets very long and dry. I also don’t think it’s a superior method anymore. Instead, my husband and I reflect together on how each significant scene parallels real life. 

If you are going to do this method, you must be very aware that 1) you are aware of the symbolic aspects of dreams, and 2) many of the aspects of dreams relate to your recent thoughts and experiences. I came across this method of dream analysis when a friend and I noted how my dreams paralleled the events of a full but idyllic day we had spent the day before.

So, this was what came out of the dream: I was looking in on a concert in the next room (crowded, night club) and guy I had a crush on was crowdsurfing right past the window but he wouldn’t look at me. Sounds like an unrequited crush to me.

Then, I’m in a room with crush and I start yelling at him about ignoring me. He listens, denies ignoring me, and then nods, and his henchmen (Eastern European bug guys, buzz cuts, dressed in black) start wrestling me. I break away and walk out. Crush has just had a bachelor party; the henchmen are anologous.

After that I break out and end up in a shopping mall. (No idea of what that’s symbolic of; I’d say finding another crush but I’m married, so it’s not something I’m seeking out although crushes make for great poetry) and run into some women in the bathroom (cleansing oneself?) I gossip about what happened previously.

 So there’s the dream, all about releasing a crush. 

The story I wrote? It’s about a woman who had a two-week fling with Oberon, king of Faerie; it ended abruptly when she asked to go to Faerie and he had to refuse her. When he returns to take her there thirty years later, she surprises him with her answer.

 Same thing, yet so different. That is the power of a dream. 

A Day for Writing

 

 

I am going to push myself into writing today. COVID has made me less inclined to write, as has editing all summer (and I’m still editing Gaia’s Hands) and a general sense of not knowing where to go. But today is a good time to start, because I’m going to have the whole day to myself —

My brain just asked, “Why not sleep? You haven’t gotten a good sleep for a while!” That’s true; my kitten Chloe has been waking me up with these claws-out zoomies across the bed. But I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something — and loading up Tweetdeck with my #PitMad entries two weeks in advance isn’t enough. I need to feel like something is going forward.

I’m struggling between staying at home and going out to the Game Cafe. The former has a too-familiar, uninspiring atmosphere. The latter has everything I need, but I’m afraid of getting overcaffeinated. 

 Tough decision. Hmmm…

But the bigger decision is what I’m going to write.  I would feel better writing a short story right now than writing on Gaia’s Hands because that feels like so much work without reward. I’m not liking it for vague reasons and I don’t know how to fix what I’m not liking. The story right now feels like a bucket that takes endless water to fill.  

 I am wondering if I should free-write to see if there’s a new story in here. My short story plots in the past have included a child trying to get back with her friends, who have been captured by the wee folk; a vampire at a NA meeting.; a woman with bipolar disorder who believes she is the avatar of a wrathful God; a parody of a noir detective story; a story about a woman’s asshole inner child escaping; two buddy stories set in space; a story about cultural differences and a second chance; an immortal who falls in love with an elderly woman and has to learn about death; a few others. 

Maybe I need to stir up my psyche with ideas that turn into stories. These stories have come from visual images I’ve experienced; prompts from contests; dreams; flippant self-inquiry, and character development for novels. 

My dreams lately consist of equipment failure and taking my clothes off in the middle of the hallway at work. And ex-boyfriends wanting to come back with me and telling me I’m the only one. (I don’t believe them.)

  Maybe I’ll try prompts from contests…

Need to get back into writing

 

 

 I need to get back into writing, back into feeling like I’m a writer.

It’s this semester, I know it. It’s been nonstop work and seat of the pants improvisation. It’s been scrambling for a foothold. 

It’s been two days, for God’s sake.

If there’s anyone else having trouble writing, I feel for you. I feel for me. This has been an insane year.

Does anyone have any ideas for short stories? I feel like if I could get a short story written this weekend, I might feel better about the writing thing. Fantasy, light or dark, would work for me. I suppose I could write something on a plain insightful fiction riff, but can’t come up with those myself. 

So, send those prompts in, and hopefully I will be inspired.

Needing a little push

 

 

 I’m rethinking my relationship with being a writer.

Is getting published worth it? I’m contemplating not doing #PitMad (a Twitter manuscript pitching contest) on the 3rd of September. It’s hardly anything to set up, but I’m so tired of no nibbles. I’m just tired of trying.

This may be part of a general depressive trend. There’s so much pressing down on me, most of it having to do with going back to work under COVID. There’s nothing I can do except wear that mask, sanitize surfaces, and pray.

This is not the way I want to be. I want to be productive. I want to accomplish something. I want to get published, if only I could figure out how to do that. 

What I can do is just keep doing — keep writing, keep trying to publish, meet with my classes whether in person or online, and have as good a semester as I can manage. Because if I don’t do things, they certainly won’t happen. 

I just need a push to get me going.

Decentering Whiteness in my Writing

 I read an important tip on Twitter last night that’s transforming my writing: If you’re going to describe skin tone on people of color, you need to do the same for white characters.

It’s a simple, but revolutionary thing — I have been making the assumption that I don’t have to describe white people because it’s assumed that white is the default. I didn’t even do this consciously.

One could rationalize making white the default through statistics — Most Americans are white, therefore. But that’s doing a disservice to people of color, who still make a significant number of people in the world.

Worse, specifying skin tone for non-whites — Blacks, Latinos, Asians, Native Americans — while ignoring it for whites signals that minorities are “other”, not of the group, something to be stared at.

So I’m making a point to go back into my writing and add descriptors of white skin. It has felt very strange, which is part of why I should be doing it. 

I have gone through one of my finished books and today I will do the other two. And then I will feel like I have done the right thing by my readers.

Free-writing Jeanne and Josh again



I think I will free-write today and try to get somewhere with my book. Sitting and staring at the computer won’t work.

I wish I could write in my room — the atmosphere is better. Except for the little demon who tries to chew on my fountain pen as I write. My fountain pens are relatively inexpensive, but they’re not Bic stick pens (Biros for my British friends). I’d rather they not have little tooth marks in my pens.

So I will be writing pen and paper in the living room, exploring specifically Jeanne and Josh’s relationship. For review:

  • Jeanne is a 45-year-old botanist whose insistence on logic hides a green thumb — an observable ability to make plants grow. If any hint of that reaches the academic community, her research on domesticating a perennial bean will be discredited. But a memory awakens in her, one in which she is called to create garden oases.
  • Josh is a 25-year-old writing instructor. He is immersed in a spiritual world through his belief in Shinto and his aikido. His visions tell him that Jeanne must become the keeper of a great garden. But he’s afraid to tell the logical Jeanne about his spiritual life because he’s afraid she’s going to reject him.
I’ve been fighting one plot point for ages: The fact that there doesn’t seem to be reciprocity between Jeanne and Josh. I’ve come to the point that, early on, Jeanne doesn’t even think it’s possible for them to be a couple. He’s too young, she thinks, and would not be attracted to her. Meanwhile, Josh is struggling with his fear of rejection. A twenty-five year old whose reality is fluid might well fear this.

I love Jeanne and Josh as characters, and even better as a couple, because they subvert the whole romance thing. He is younger, more expressive, lightly built (don’t blame me; I’m attracted to men like that). Jeanne is ample, very instrumental (in the sense of making things happen).

There’s so much to carry here, I feel like I’m juggling cats. But rather than structure at this point, I think I need to free-write because I’m making no progress composing within the outline.

The joys of rediscovering free writing



I think I may have found a way to get over writers’ block — free writing exercises.


I have been drafting into Scrivener — which is very efficient, but not a lot of fun. I didn’t realize how its utilitarian background and the very edit-forward feel was keeping me from writing first drafts. The process — staring at the screen every few words, looking for the perfect word …

I attended a writing workshop/guided exercise over Zoom, led by Debbi Voisey, and it was a set of guided free-writing exercises, the type where you put pen to paper and then write. We worked through exercises on scenes, senses, and descriptions, and then we free-wrote.

It felt marvelous! It helped me put together a scene I was struggling with for the past two weeks. Moreover, writing felt fun again!

I believe the reason this works is because our internal editors get in the way of our creativity. There’s time to edit, and that’s after getting words on pages. I found that the words I was putting on the pages needed editing, but not while I was writing them.

I think I will use this free-writing. The way I can use it with Scrivener and with the “Save the Cat” framework is to take each chapter’s prompt (the tag on the chapter that says what goes there) and write that in my notebook, then start free-writing in earnest. Then I can enter it in Scrivener and edit.

I hope I’m onto something, because I have been working quite fruitlessly these last several weeks. (Not that I’ve been doing nothing; I reorganized my classes, recorded several lectures, taken a grad level class, revised my query letters for two books, set up my pitches for SFFpit … I just haven’t been writing.)

Ok, deep breath. I think I could get to liking writing again.

A Writing Manifesto


  • I will write for myself regardless of how and where my resulting work will be shared.
  • I will not doubt my imagination.
  • I will not judge the quality of my work by where it’s published, how many copies it’s sold, or how much I’ve earned. 
  • I will hone my craft for the sake of improvement.
  • I will write from joy rather than from duty.