Feeling a Little Blue

This is part of my life

I have bipolar disorder — Bipolar II to be specific. This means that I have hypomania — a feeling of exhilaration and irritability — and some pretty severe depression. I take a cocktail of medication to keep me on an even keel, but sometimes the erratic moods break through.

Down or depression?

I’m feeling a bit down right now — sleeping too much, waking up tired. Feeling uninspired. musing over the past (there is a lot of it) and crying inside, not feeling inspired. Rejections are weighing heavily on me and I’m second-guessing everything I write. This feels like depression.

Which depression?

Generally, when talking about depression, there’s two basic categories — situational and biological. The former is depression based on external events; the other is internal. It’s hard to determine which is which.

For example, is my pile of rejections the cause of my depression? It very well could be I tend not to react very badly to single rejections, but I’ve had a string of them lately, and I can’t find the right thing to fix them so that they’re accepted. I feel like giving up. This could be the cause of my depressions.

It could also be that a biological depression (that is, bipolar depression) could create the stress and negative feelings toward my life. (Right now my brain is diagramming this as a path analysis (a type of social studies research equation) as if I could quantify each factor and measure and research. Not now, Satan.)

The only way to tell

The only way to tell if this depression is biological is to sit with it for two weeks. Given the relatively minor nature of the situational roots (rejections can be let go pretty easily) I should be done with it by then. If it lingers after two weeks, I call my psychiatrist and we tweak the meds. I’ll be bummed (oops, I am already) because this med combination has been working wonderfully for at least three years.

But this is bipolar disorder. Untreated, and it’s like someone else is running my life, laughing my laugh, stoking my rage. I won’t let them do it for too long.

Handing it to you

If I have anyone who identifies with this and wants to comment, please drop a comment.

My Dream Writing Spots

As a writer

When I write, I can’t write in a vacuum. I need to watch people, study people and their body language and their behavior, study surroundings, listen to background music and snippets of conversation among the murmurs.

I also need an interesting space. Neither too edgy nor too

Therefore, I dream of interesting spaces where all of the above happens, yet in a way that doesn’t intrude into my thought processes.

Dreams fulfilled

Some of these ideal writing places I have already encountered — the lobby of The Elms Hotel in Excelsior Springs, MO; the Great Hall at Starved Rock State Park in Utica, IL; Behind the fireplace at Lied Lodge in Nebraska City, NE; various cafe’s across the US. All these places have the intoxicating combination of vital people and intriguing space. I could go back to any of those today if I had the money and time.

Dreams that might be beyond my grasp

One place I’d love to write is in a Class-C RV at Mozingo Lake (Maryville MO) for a summer retreat. As I don’t own a camper, this might be a bit challenging. Also challenging is their spotty wi-fi, but it might be good enough to hook in now and again. A cabin for the summer might also be good, but I don’t know where one could get a hold of one for a less than prohibitive cost.

Photo by Nicolas Postiglioni on Pexels.com

Another dream would be riding/writing on Amtrak (or better, some Canadian railway) for a spell. I would have a sleeper car, I would get meals in the dining car, and I would document my trip in the observation car (west of the Mississippi) with computer in lap. Unless I can get a writer in residence through Amtrak, I would not been able to afford that. (And I’ve tried.)

Help me out here!

I’m looking for writing retreats — coffeehouses; inns and B and B’s with open spaces or lobbies; yurts for rent; cabins with scenery; known writers’ retreats. Recommend something to me!

Gamification

Gamifying defined

Gamification is the practice of building in rewards to activities on the computer through completion badges, notifications, and other incentives. Often used in online lessons and certifications, gamification can motivate people who need a boost to get through activities. Completion is not always its own reward, especially when the time put in seems large compared to the outcome. Gamification, even with its virtual and nonmonetary rewards, can give a sense of completion.

Gamifying WordPress

I would have skipped writing today, but I would miss getting that “You have posted for XX days in a row!” notification from WordPress. And, eventually, that “You have posted XXX posts on WordPress!” notification. I have fallen victim to the gamification of WordPress, and I’m fine with that.

Until today, I didn’t associate WordPress’ notifications as gamification, until I realized that they were driving me to blog.

Gamifying daily life

One piece of advice for goal setting is to include a reward for meeting a goal, not too expensive or fattening. There are plenty of apps on Android and iOS that motivate achievements and tasks with gamification. (To find these, search for “gamification”.) I have not tried any of these yet, but they all work under this gamification concept.

This works better with an online app rather than setting up the rewards yourself. I think the act of someone/something else giving the award makes it more satisfying psychologically.

A query for the reader

Do you reward yourself for completing disliked goals? Boring goals? Tell me about your motivation/gamification strategies in the comments.

Back from my Break

Upon our return

My husband and I arrived to four cats with varying demeanors: the Little Girl (Chloe) throwing herself at me, Chuckie wandering around in circles, Me-Me appearing and creeping off to sulk again, and Girlie-Girl saying “meh”. Cats don’t take kindly to change, it seems, and these four are no exception.

Then time to unpack and rest. I tend to rest heavily when I get back from a vacation, being one of those people who need a vacation from their vacation. Maybe I’m not much different than the cats.

This morning

What I see at my work station in the living room

The cats are back to normal — as normal as they’ll ever be. It’s a lot like having four space aliens living in the house thinking things that won’t make sense to humans. Unless it’s “food”, “pet me”, or the like.

I’m sitting in my usual place, on the loveseat at a computer desk. This is where I write my blog, do work, surf the internet, etc.

We’re drinking morning coffee listening to Herb Alpert, a staple from my childhood. (Richard lets me control the music because he says I’ve been exposed to more types of music. I would argue that I’m more adventurous — hey, here’s some Icelandic metal music!)

I’m still relaxed. That massage really helped. So did getting out without a face mask (US guidelines: no longer needed if vaccinated). Getting out in general. No longer feeling trapped. Feeling normal.

Now I have to appreciate what’s been given back to me.

Now a word from you:

What is the activity you have done/will do when you are off lockdown, free of COVID, able to travel again? Tell me in the comments.

On My Way Home

As vacations go …

As vacations go, this has been one of the best. After over a year without a vacation, I couldn’t do better than a couple relaxing days at a spa. I got a bunch of queries out with my new and improved cover letter, and I’ve gotten to realize that I need to do some daydreaming in with my writing/marketing. Need to break the non-writing loop.

My body is more relaxed than it has been for a year. The COVID tension has fallen from me and I finally feel like the world is recovering (note — I have gotten fully vaccinated). I’ve returned to writing in the tiled lobby of the Elms, and things feel near normal.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Wouldn’t it be nice to hold a writers’ retreat here? I mean a writers’ retreat with more than one writer (me) in the house. There’s atmosphere, wine, dining, a spa, and those couches with built-in outlets in them. I don’t know what would make this a more perfect space. Not big enough for a large writers’ conference, but enough for a sweet retreat.

Me, a writer?

As I wrote that, I really wondered if I had the qualifications to be a writer. You’d think it was easy — I’ve written, I’ve published. But I have a large chunk of impostor syndrome because I’m also a professor. My works haven’t sold much. I have plenty of excuses to discount my qualifications as a writer.

But if I can spend a couple days writing at a picturesque (and relatively inexpensive) hotel and spa like The Elms, I think I can call myself a writer.

Soaking Up the Atmosphere

5 AM, lobby, The Elms

It’s 5 AM and getting close to breakfast. Ah, not that close — I really could use a coffee right now.

The vacation so far has been great. We arrived here about 3 PM yesterday and spent time at the pool. And ate the most marvelous dinner — mine was a roasted vegetable medley with crispy polenta cake and red pepper coulis. No complaints here.

Since the takeover

I hadn’t been here since they were taken over by Hyatt in October 2019. I was expecting heavy-handed corporate hotel trappings that would destroy the charm of this place — and found none. Any changes I have found are to the benefit of The Elms. There’s more seating areas in the Lobby. They’re marketing their house soap in the gift shop. They’ve restricted people’s time in the Grotto to two hours. Absolutely no complaints.

Today — spa day

Today is spa day. I expect to be there from 10:30 to 2. Most of that time will be spent in the Grotto.

This is why I go to The Elms — for the special feeling of pampering myself. I usually position my visit after the semester, but before the crowd of Memorial Day.

I think this is just what I needed.

Vacation!

(or, rather, mini-vacation)

It’s time to take my mini-vacation to The Elms!

I don’t care that this vacation, in effect, will be two days. I have been waiting for this little trip for over a year, holding it in my head as what I would do when it was safe to travel after COVID. It kept me going through the social isolation, the online/zoom classes, the inadvisability of eating in restaurants, and the like.

What I have planned

I have a few things planned — very few. I will get some writing/revising in because this is in part my writing retreat. I will get a massage and spend two hours in the Grotto soaking up hot tubs and steam showers and sitting in a lounge chair with an iced peppermint washcloth over my eyes. I will find time in a cofeehouse. I will try to talk my husband for a road trip on the way home to eat Sichuan food.

Happy cry

I’m about to happy cry, I’ve needed this so badly.

Dealing with the Meltdown

I had a meltdown yesterday

I had a frustrating day yesterday. Computing problems, a rejection, the realization that I have to do yet another edit on probably more than one thing. I admit, I had a high-stress meltdown. My husband watched helplessly as I put myself down, ranted at the computer, and became a frantic mess.

I pride myself on my stress tolerance, because I usually feel like I’m in control. I am, to a large extent, in control. That’s the way I see the world. And if I’m in control, then I can fix things. I wasn’t in control yesterday.

And I hated it.

Locus of control and its limitations

The state of feeling in control of one’s destiny is called internal locus of control. It’s a psychological term. The opposite of this is external locus of control, where one feels destiny, or fate, or God, or just bad luck rules the outcome of things.

Completion of goals is best when one has internal locus of control. That makes sense, because if one doesn’t feel in charge of their own destiny, why would they plan anything?

Entry-level psychology classes tend to simplify as “internal good, external bad”. But what about the cases where we don’t have control — the buggy websites, the computer crashes, the barfing cat, the husband falling down the stairs? (This literally was my yesterday).

An alternative when things go sour

This is where the Serenity Prayer comes in.

I tend to be Spiritual But Not Religious, but I appreciate the role of ritual. The Serenity Prayer, which may or may not have been written by Reinhold Neibuhr, is as much a mantra as a prayer. I prefer the short version, because the long version loses its mantra power:

God, grant me the serenity/to accept the things I cannot change/the courage to change the things I can/and the wisdom to know the difference.

I could have used this yesterday in the midst of my meltdown. Perhaps I would have yelled at my computer screen less (fat chance), or put myself down less. Maybe I would have performed better on my tasks. Maybe — no. I have no control over the past, so might as well not dwell in it.

To the reader

Have any of you had a meltdown recently? How did you deal with it?

Years of growth

The background

Three years ago, I sent a manuscript to a major publisher who took direct submissions (as opposed to only agent-pitched works). I was optimistic about the manuscript, as I am always optimistic while sending manuscripts off.

I shouldn’t have been, I guess. Three years later, I received an email from the editor, form letter, that said they rejected the manuscript.

Three years later! I forgot I had written them. I don’t remember what manuscript I sent them!

Gratitude

I am grateful for the rejection. It wasn’t the nicest or most personal rejection I’ve gotten, but it is by far one of the best. Three years ago I wasn’t as good a writer as I am now. I have learned much in those three years and improved my manuscripts with the help of developmental editors and re-edits. Looking back, I wouldn’t have been proud of that document if it had been accepted.

So I will try again with another book (if I can figure out which book) and a new cover letter and send them another, if I can bear the three-year wait time. Ok, maybe not.

Catch me in the comments

What’s the best rejection you’ve ever had?

Today I Will Do Nothing

A productive day yesterday

Yesterday I had a very productive day. I brainstormed two short story plots, a novella plot, realized that I might have another novella plot, considered the half-novel’s other half, and generally had fun brainstorming.

I think I have work to last me the entire summer and then some. Add that to sending out Gaia’s Hands to beta readers and eventually publish it on Amazon … it’s going to be a busy summer.

And today — nothing

Today I want to do nothing. Listen to my favorite music (Singer-songwriter music — can you tell I’m a Boomer?) and lie on the couch talking to my husband.

Not likely to happen

I know myself well enough right now that nothing is not likely to happen (pardon the double-negative). I was made for motion, and there’s a computer to tempt me into some sort of work.

I get my naps in the afternoon, and that’s enough for me to rest my mind and go on to the next thing.

What are you up to?

What are you doing this weekend? Let me know in the comments!