Impasse

Today is the local author’s fair at the public library, and I am suffering from a severe case of impostor’s syndrome. This is new; normally I enjoy the author’s fair, given that it’s the only time I go out in the public and talk about my books. But this year I feel reluctant to do so.

It’s something I have been fighting for a little while, though. I’ve been wrestling with writing something new, I have been unmotivated, I’ve just been feeling blah about my endeavors.

It’s even more complicated than that, of course. I’m afraid of sinking (further?) into obscurity, and I’m equally afraid of my writing career picking up. I don’t want it to stay the same, either. I’m at an impasse where there’s a boulder on the road in front of me and a washout behind me.

Given all this, I would prefer my career to go forward, because that difficulty would come with a side of satisfaction, which is not as present in the other options. I’m all for climbing over the boulder somehow if I can manage it. There’s much I can’t manage in terms of promotion and the like; I am doing all I can within my time and money means. But I have a presence on Facebook, Threads, Blue Sky, and in this blog, and I send a newsletter to 2800 people. To torture my boulder metaphor further, what I need is a bolt of lightning to pulverize that rock so I can climb over it.

I guess what I want is for the effort to be worth it, because I’ve written 9 novels (plus one that didn’t survive) and I feel foolish writing another. If you have a moment for good wishes, wish for me to find a way over the boulder.

When am I Most Happy?

Daily writing prompt

When are you most happy?

View all responses

There are so many types of happiness in my life — the satisfaction I feel when I have written a chapter of my book, the relief I feel when I’m done with another semester at work, the contentment of re-reading an old and favorite book. There’s the tiny delight of petting my cat Chloe, who is the quintessential cat, and the amusement of running into a pun.

But what makes me the happiest, the most exuberant, is laughing with my husband. We laugh a lot together. The emotions of laughing range from a sly snicker to a whooping exhilaration, and these moments give me the most happiness. They happen often, making my life one of joy.

If my husband dies before me (something one thinks about once they’ve gotten older), I will miss that joy. I will have to find other sources of happiness. But I don’t think they’ll match the joy of laughing with him.

The Challenge

I have a bit of a reprieve from grading today, and I need it. Three classes plus an internship graded, one to go. And that one is coming in on Thursday, not Friday, so I will grade it on Friday.

Which brings me to the big event this weekend — our local library’s author fair. I sign and sell a few books there every year. It’s my experience to feel like a real author and talk about my books with people. It’s actually a bit difficult for me to talk about my books, because I have that midwestern female tendency not to want to “brag”.

If I ever get that lucky break, I’ll have to get good at talking about my books, because more people will ask. This would be a challenge for me, but a challenge I’d willingly accept.

Quick Post

This is a contractual obligation post so I don’t lose my posting streak. I have a final exam to give this morning at 7:30, so not much time to write. I might write again later today.

Here’s a picture of a kitten.

Merry and Bright Has Entered the Building

There are two types of professors out there right now: the ones who don’t have Christmas spirit until all the grades are in, and those whose Christmas spirit hopefully gets them through finals week. During finals week we give and grade exams, and it’s a pretty intense time.

I am one who uses Christmas spirit to get me through the week. Expect me to play Christmas carols in my office, to wear a lighted Christmas bulb necklace, and to be merry and bright (in a muted way, as I’m an introvert).

I have an essay final due on Friday at midnight, and I am going to spend Saturday evening and Sunday grading it and putting my class grades into our automated management system. So it’s a hurry up and wait week for me, and Sunday is going to be brutal. But the house is decked with greens and the carols are on the stereo. I’ll get by.

My life is pretty stable

Daily writing prompt

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

View all responses

My life is exactly as I pictured a year ago. Life doesn’t change much when you’re sixty, unless it changes in tragic ways with a death. My life hasn’t changed a lot. I write, I publish, I teach, I hope my medication works. I monitor my health conditions.

It is not an exciting life, but I’m okay with that. My life when younger was exciting, but also chaotic and at moments unsafe. I did not always make good decisions. Which is why I hope my medication works.

I don’t expect to win the Powerball (a big pay-out lottery). I don’t expect to make it onto the bestseller list. I hope nothing bad happens. I expect next year at this time to be much the same.

Talking About My Books

I haven’t talked about my books in a while, and it’s an exciting season.

Kringle Through the Snow, my latest Kringle Chronicles book, came out on October 1. It is a Christmas romance involving Sierra DuBois, an energetic event manager and Wade Nelson, an affable engineer and nerd. They bond over his selection for the Chamber of Commerce’s first Annual Grinch, and his inclusion into Sierra’s highbrow charity ball. Sierra has a secret that very well may derail the relationship, and she runs away to hide it. They will have to weather some storms if they want to walk in the snow.

The other book coming out on January 1st is Reclaiming the Balance. This is the latest in the Hidden in Plain Sight series, which is either contemporary fantasy or magical realism depending on who you ask. In this story, Janice Wilkens flees Chicago by teleportation with two strangers who know more about her abusive ex-boyfriend than they should. At her refuge, Barn Swallows’ Dance, she finds out about the immortal Archetypes like her ex, and their half-human Nephilim offspring. While plotting for the return of her Nephilim son from her ex, she grows closer to Amarel, an androgynous Nephilim. A journey of transformation beckons both of them as they strive to remedy the collective’s prejudice against Nephilim and rescue Janice’s son.

Both book series have other books published. There are five total books published in the Kringle series: The Kringle Conspiracy, Kringle in the Night, It Takes Two to Kringle, Kringle on Fire, and the current publication. Hidden in Plain Sight series has three published: Gaia’s Hands, Apocalypse, and the upcoming Reclaiming the Balance. There’s also a published short story collection based on the Hidden universe, Stories Within Stories.

There are three upcoming books in the Hidden series: Avatar of the Maker, Carrying Light, and Whose Hearts are Mountains. Those are waiting to be published in the future. There’s also another short story book coming.

There’s also a standalone book waiting to be published, known as Prodigies.

Of course I would like you to pick up one of my books and read them. That’s what they’re there for.

A Good Person

Daily writing prompt

Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.

View all responses

I am an introvert; I tend to spend a lot of time on my own because people leave me overwhelmed at times. But I also seek aloneness because I grew up with bullies saying ugly things about me, and I’m always on the verge of remembering that again, especially with the specter of bipolar hanging over my shoulder.

So it’s a worry in my mind what people say about me. I hope, though, that they say I’m a good person.

Too much of mental illness is seen as being bad. And when I am in the middle of an episode, I can be seen as neglectful, overly emotional, and capricious. Not a good look, although I don’t get manic enough to be truly destructive and frightening. I worry about the consequences of my episodes. And I hope that, despite this, I can be seen as good.

Two Big Positives

Daily writing prompt

What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?

View all responses

My life, at age 61, has been calm. Big events have not happened this year; every day has been pretty much the same. I live a low-key life, and I think that makes up for when I was a high schooler and young adult and life was eventful with many events (some positive).

Events in my life are small now, with negative events like drained batteries and almost passing out (the latter a daily occurrence). Positive events are much the same; tiny things that get me through a day. Yay! I got through my least favorite class! Yay! It’s nap time!

There are two things I can think of that are major positive events. One is that I have gone another year without either hypomania or depression. Another year without throwing a wrench into the gears of my life. I can thank a good psychiatrist and good medication for that.

The other is that I have gotten Reclaiming the Balance through all the stages to publishing a book, from proofreading to cover to inserting it into the KDP (Kindle Desktop Publishing, I believe) system to be published on January 1. I didn’t think I would have the guts to publish this one, because the male protagonist is, in the most physical sense, non-binary.

As I said, not at all an exciting life. But overall positive with tiny little things and one big accomplishment.

My First Day as a College Professor.

Daily writing prompt

Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.

View all responses

Over 30 years ago, I started my first faculty job at State University of New York College at Oneonta, mercifully known as SUNY Oneonta. I had moved out east from the midwest and had noted some of the changes in scenery from the flatness of central Illinois to the hills surrounding Oneonta, but I didn’t really feel the culture shock until I met my students.

After I learned how to use a mimeograph machine (complete with its blue-purple master stencil), I stepped into my first classroom and stood in front of the class. One woman asked me what sounded like: “Aw yew a stew-DENT?” (If you have heard someone from Long Island, this is the best I could render the voice.)

“Is this Consumer 257?” I asked.

“Yeaah.”

“I’m the professor teaching this class.”

“I thought yew were a STEW-dent!” In her defense, I was 29 but looked really young for my age.

I discovered that day that about one-third of my students were from New York City and its suburbs, and one-third were from rural counties surrounding Oneonta, and the remainder locals. Downstate students are very different than rural New York students. The downstate students are livelier, while the rural students are a bit more reserved.

Some of my favorite stories come from that period of my life, the five years I spent as a new teacher in upstate New York. But it started that first day, when I was mistaken for a student.