According to JetPack this morning, my blog has gotten 10,000 views. That’s incredible! I know there are blogs that have gotten a lot more than this, but I didn’t expect my blog to have gotten this many!
I’ve made a lot of posts, maybe 2000 or so. That means my average post has gotten maybe five views. But they add up, and five per post is not bad for a humble little blog that is just my meanderings.
I set up the little audacious goal to write on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays and have not done too well with it. I have the time; that’s not the problem. The problem is that I have forgotten about the goal and suffer from a degree of inertia on those days.
Once one quits writing, it’s hard to go back to that place. I have run into the same thing with my novel writing. The negative self-talk has taken over, and I don’t feel like I have too much to contribute to the world with writing. It’s keeping me from writing. I don’t like the current book, which is too much of a downer. I’m not sure if I’m going to get through it.
What I need is an attitude change. The little audacious goal is something I have to want to do. Right now I don’t know if I want to write. I think I need a message from the Universe (which I certainly believe can happen) to help me get back on track.
Or at least I need to follow my little audacious goal in the meantime.
I was in an inpatient program at a private institution called Brattleboro Retreat, which I understand was the place where some movie stars chose to dry out in the olden days. By the time I was there, it had quite a good reputation for helping women with complicated diagnoses compounded by sexual abuse history. That was me, with a marriage breaking up and sexual abuse issues.
One of the things I discovered was that the group I was in was a great place to recreate childhood playground traumas. I was bullied as a child; I was bullied as a participant in the program by other participants. This might have been because I spent nearly the whole time crying over breaking up with my husband, which might have had to do with depression (I was later diagnosed as bipolar, after all). But moreover, I tried to befriend the people who bullied me, a pattern from my childhood. I felt like I had to make everyone like me.
One of the social workers said to me one day in a one-on-one session, “You don’t have to like everyone and not everyone has to like you.” This was a revelation to me, because I really thought I had to be liked by everyone to be a good person. It’s not an exaggeration to say this piece of advice changed my life.
Brattleboro had a way of tearing the floor out from under people and then reminding them there was a safety net. It had us building a new foundation for life.
I lost my daily habit, and those pauses in days have become pauses in weeks, and then nearly a month. This is what happens when one loses a habit.
I feel like I have nothing to say, because I haven’t been using the daily prompts, because they were a means to an end and not necessarily what I wanted to say.
I now have to make a decision — what do I want to use this blog for? I want to talk about things of interest, and the daily prompts accomplish this. I want to stay away from politics because I don’t know if I have anything constructive to say. Social issues — I can talk about those occasionally because I do think I have something to say there. My books — I have always wanted to talk about my books, which includes my frustration in not writing lately.
I guess I need a little audacious goal to write again. It needs to be SMART — I will write three times a week on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (with some flexibility). I will use prompts as needed and some self-driven content. I will write about writing at least once a week as I originally intended. I will check weekly to make sure I’ve written my three days.
I am 62 years old, which sounds odd to me because I spent all last year thinking I was 62. That comes with a certain amount of gravitas, which I lack. I am going to be one of these old people who are a little too loud and mirthful, I guess.
At 62, I’ve gotten through a lot. At this point I feel I could survive anything. This is not the case; sooner or later something is going to kill me. I hope not for a while because I still have a lot of things I want to do.
I’m going to spend today working (of course), then relaxing and eating lamb chops for supper. Not an exciting day, but an excellent one. Happy birthday to me!
‘Should’ is attached to expectations, oftentimes other people’s expectations. Saying ‘You should’ projects my values upon another person more often than not. ‘Should’ seems to come with a certain amount of shame if one doesn’t follow it.
“Should I do this?” If I ask this question, the response from my husband will be, “I don’t know, should you?” And rightfully so, because what I need to do at that moment is an analysis of the pros and cons of doing the action.
‘I need to’ is a different phrase than ‘I should’. It is a statement referring to consequences of not doing something, which are experienced by the person. It takes responsibility for itself.
I originally started blogging as a way to publicize my writing. I write magical realism novels and Christmas romances. They’re very different from each other. It turns out that I talk little about my novels, although I am still writing them. You can find my novels at this link: Lauren Leach-Steffens’ author page.
After a while, I started writing because I liked the concept of followers. I like having an audience for writing, even though I know it’s more “pure” to write for the simple joy of writing. I have extrinsic motivation for writing.
For the past year, I wrote because I had a Big Audacious Goal of writing 365 days in a row. I made my goal a couple weeks ago. It took a lot of work. Then I took a break.
Now, at the moment, I write because it’s a habit. I think I have good things to say, and so I write. I still want followers, I still want to sell books, but I’m now writing (for the most part) to be heard, by whoever wants to read my writing.
I hold grudges. Specific grudges. Long-lasting grudges. I don’t know why I haven’t let go these grudges except they represent disrespect to me, and I don’t like to be disrespected.
The grudges I hold are specifically on women who have tried to steal my boyfriends. There are a couple of them, maybe 3. One of them got into a necking session with my boyfriend (Don’t worry, I’m not with him anymore for good reason), one of them bedded the guy I had a crush on, and the third tried to go to bed with anyone I showed interest in. They didn’t just accidentally end up in bed with someone I was dating, they aggressively went after these guys. This is against the Girl CodeTM .
It’s been almost 40 years in some cases, yet I still hold a grudge. I just can’t countenance disrespect at that level. Would I be a better person if I let it go? I don’t think so; some people are just toxic and I never got an apology.
Luckily, nobody is trying to steal my husband. I guess we all grow up after a while.
My favorite time of day is morning when I wake up, which for me is 5AM. The sky is still dark and the world is quiet. I feel like the only person awake in the world.
After my long summer, it’s finally time to go back to work teaching. I am psyching myself up to stand in front of a classroom again. I need energy and enthusiasm.
I need coffee.
I haven’t had coffee in a little while because it tastes too strong when I’m losing weight, but I will try it today because it is NEEDED.
Words Like Me 