Taking Care of Myself

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I’m getting old.

Monday night I stayed up a couple hours late doing some prepping for my classes. I had to adapt my lecture slide shows to make them more pedagogically effective, and I had until Thursday to get the first few slide shows done. Being an overachiever, I instead completed all fifteen weeks’ worth on Monday. I did not take care of myself.

I got through Tuesday’s work completing the other class, falling asleep sitting up. Now I’m on Wednesday, the day before my classes start, and I’m totally wiped out despite a good night’s sleep on Tuesday night.

I feel like I did when I was younger and got only three hours of sleep a night, which was not uncommon given that I hung out with computer programmers. I used to walk around like this all the time, and I do not know how I got through college this way. Or life.

Today I’ll be taking care of myself. A nap on the couch, some leisurely writing, and a promise to myself that I will not be staying up past my bedtime again.

A Model of Well-Being (or Happiness is Not Enough)

I’m teaching the positive psychology class again this semester. I love this class, because it’s all about what promotes happiness and well-being and how to find more well-being in one’s life. What more can you ask from a class?

Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, breaks well-being into five factors (2011):

  • Positive emotion (Of which happiness and life satisfaction are all aspects)
  • Engagement
  • Relationships
  • Meaning and purpose
  • Accomplishment

This, not surprisingly, is known as the PERMA model.

To go through each letter:

  • Positive emotion: Basic happiness, including hedonic happiness based on consumption of goods and experiences.
  • Engagement, or connecting: With hobbies and activities, volunteerism, and work. The idea is to do, not just experience.
  • Relationships: Good relationships. Not just romantic, but friendship; familial; connection with co-workers and the people around.
  • Meaning: Feeling a purpose beyond oneself. This does not have to be religious in nature.
  • Accomplishment: Completion of goals, development of expertise, recognition of work.
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An instance can fulfill more than one of the PERMA aspects. For example, I do moulage — casualty simulation — making people look like disaster victims as a volunteer for the Emergency and Disaster Management program. Through both my absorption in applying the makeup and my involvement in a volunteer activity, I achieve engagement. Through my improvement in skills over the past several years, I achieve accomplishment. You could stretch this even further regarding my connection to the other staff members as relationships.

To achieve well-being (which is more than happiness or life satisfaction) one should be fulfilling all five.

This is one of the first things I will be teaching in class. I’m glad I got to teach you first.

Seligman, M. (2011). Excerpt from Flourish: Authentic Happiness. Available: https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/learn/wellbeing [January 7, 2023]

First SMART Goal: Writing

One of my goals for the New Year is to get back into a steady writing discipline. I began three books and finished none in 2022. I have been backing off on writing because I have not felt inspired. Yet writing is a way to open the mind to creativity, and to allow new thoughts to pass through. I have, therefore, dealt with a vicious cycle, where I don’t write because I don’t feel creative and I don’t feel creative because I am not writing.

I need to get the discipline and enjoyment of writing back. To make the goal SMART — specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound — I may have to set my daily word goal for less than I do when I’m writing for NaNoWriMo. During NaNo, I write 2000 words a day; that may be too much when I need to take baby steps toward the goal. So my goal, as SMART as possible, is:

I will write 1000 words a day on some sort of fiction work either early morning or in the afternoon after work starting January 3 2023.

  • Is the goal specific? Yes. I know what, when, and how much.
  • Is it measurable? Yes. If I don’t write 1000 words by evening, I haven’t done it.
  • Is it achievable? I think so. 1000 words is a suitable compromise between zero and 2000. (To give you an idea of what 1000 words look like, the bulleted section you are now reading is 82 words.)
  • Is it relevant? To a writer, it is.
  • Is it action oriented? Yes, it focuses on writing.

Notice I set the date for today, so I’m going to have to write soon. I will write on the Christmas Kringle book unless one of the other two books — Avatar of the Maker or Walk Through Green Fire — tempts me away from that book.

Big Audacious Goal 2023

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In 2022, I did not have any Big Audacious Goals. Big Audacious Goals (BAG) are exactly what they sound like — big goals that are above and beyond the goals that one traditionally sets for oneself. My goals for 2022 were all prosaic and not tied to big dreams. (I published Gaia’s Hands on January 1 2022, but all the work for that happened in 2021, so I count that as a 2021 Big Audacious Goal.)

Having no Big Audacious Goals last year set a tone for my year that does not fit with who I am. I am the sort of person who likes to accomplish things that push me beyond where I was before. I’m the sort of person who likes to celebrate accomplishments. It feels like I spent last year hiding in the living room watching TV or something (I did not; it’s a metaphor). I had goals; just not Big Audacious ones.

This morning, I set a BAG. The goal is to re-edit Apocalypse, create a query bundle, and send it out to agents by the end of March. I will make it a SMART goal soon (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time Bound), and the plan will fall into place after that. Then it’s just time to make the plan happen.

I like the feeling of having a Big Audacious Goal. It energizes me; it makes me feel a little extraordinary even though my BAG doesn’t make me famous or impressive. I feel good about my BAG and the opportunity to accomplish and celebrate.

Wish me luck.

Dreams to Goals

I’ve said in an earlier post that I make goals, not resolutions. The reason I gave was that resolutions are not actionable (I didn’t put it exactly this way, but that’s it in a nutshell.) A resolution is “I’m going to do this one vague thing”, and without a plan and the ability to revise it, it’s just a wish. A goal is the path to success.

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On the other hand, my idea of making plans instead of resolutions isn’t very aspirational. It focuses on the prosaic mind, the part of existence that Gets It Done. How does that prosaic mind know what to get done? Through manipulating dreams into goals. “I would love it if…” becomes “I will do this” and a goal is born. From “How do I make this happen?” the goal becomes the basis for a plan.

I might as well admit I have dreams. I’m superstitious about admitting them, because I’ve been ridiculed over them as a child. But without the dreams, my goals become repetitive, maintenance-based, and dull. So here are my dreams for the year:

  • I dream of being traditionally published.
  • I dream of having enough readership of my works that my name is recognized.
  • I dream of having enough readership to make it worthwhile to have a booth at Gatewaycon.
  • I dream of getting royalty payments from Amazon.

Lightning hasn’t struck me; I guess it’s okay to admit my dreams.

Taking the first dream as an example, let’s turn it into a goal:

I dream of getting traditionally published > I will submit a query to agents.

(Agents are gatekeepers to the traditional publishing process. Queries are the bundles of materials writers submit for their consideration. That bundle includes a cover letter, excerpts of the work in question, and a synopsis).

I will submit a query to agents > I develop a plan to do so; carry out the plan.

This is how the dream becomes a plan.

The one thing is that the execution of the plan doesn’t always mean success. This could be because of internal factors inside myself that need correction, problems with the plan that need fixing, or external factors that can be controlled for. And, sometimes, external factors beyond my control. The more outside factors beyond one’s control, the more likely the dream will stay at the dream stage. For example, if I dream of winning the lottery, there’s not much I can do to actually win it beyond buying one or more tickets.

New Year’s Day, I will set up goals based on these dreams and develop them into plans as I go through the year. It’s more fun dreaming them, but not as fruitful. Wish me luck.

Thinking about the New Year

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Christmas is over, and I am back from my holiday trip. New Year’s Eve is coming, and thoughts of the New Year flit through my vaguely ADHD mind.

As I’ve shared on this blog before, I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, finding them a setup for failure. In short, a resolution looks like a goal, but it’s lacking the plan. And without the plan, the resolution fails. Plans fail as well, but built into the best of plans is a feedback loop where the planner diagnoses where and how they’ve failed and reworks the plan to take that into account.

I like the ritual part of resolutions and the clean slate of the new year, however. So I have my ritual. I think of all the things I want to accomplish for the year, and I do a little of each on New Year’s Day as a commitment to those things in my life.

These are the things I will be doing a little bit of on New Year’s Day:

  • Writing
  • Work
  • Leisure
  • Housework
  • Quality time with my husband
  • Petting cats
  • Promoting my writing
  • Indulging my warped sense of humor
  • Showing compassion
  • Socializing (at least on Facebook)

Although I won’t make any resolutions, I have goals I will pursue in 2023. The goals I have for my writing career are:

  • Revisit Apocalypse and send out queries
  • Finish Kringle on Fire and Avatar of the Maker
  • Develop an advertising plan for my existent books
  • Develop promo for Gaia’s Hands
  • Find a Big Audacious Goal

2022 was a low-key year for me. I’m willing to ramp up a bit for 2023.

A Snow Day at Starved Rock

I haven’t been to Starved Rock for the holidays for two years. I’m there now, sitting by the fireplace in the Great Hall, writing. There are children running around, and there’s enough snow outside that we’re in a winter storm warning. A promising start to Christmas.

Starved Rock is a state park in LaSalle County, IL, near where I grew up. Full of sandstone bluffs and trees, it is one of the best places to see fall color in the US and is picturesque in the winter. It can get horrendously busy at Memorial Day and Fourth of July, so I would not recommend going at those times. Come in the fall or winter, although if you want to stay at the lodge, reserve early.

Nearby Utica is a cute, tiny tourist town worth visiting and Ottawa is a college town without a college. We’re close enough to Chicago to get their tourists, which builds the local economy, but far enough away that the area is still uncrowded.

Today I don’t think we’ll go out in the snow. I may write here; I will sit by the Great Hall fireplace and possibly build a fire at our cabin. There’s a hot tub I might go in later, and maybe I’ll take a nap. I may be in the best place in the world for a snow day.

“Is your life what you pictured a year ago?”

For the first time, I am going to use the prompt of the day that WordPress has recently been supplying: “Is your life what you pictured a year ago?”

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My life is exactly what I pictured a year ago, mostly because I did not have wishes or aspirations of where my life would be. This is sad because I had nothing to push myself toward; I just had to make it day-to-day. This is also happy because I was pretty satisfied with life last year and pretty satisfied now.

Would I have liked it if my writing career blew up? I think so, but I don’t know if I’m up to two full-time jobs at this point in my life. I’m almost 60, after all. (NOTE: If the bluebird of happiness drops me a successful writing career, I will gladly suffer.)

Would I have liked a lottery win? I’ll be honest — probably not. My husband wants to win the big Powerball; I just feel like the changes inherent in winning lots of money would be destabilizing. Yes, I would like to retire early, but I don’t want to be obsessed with money, which is an idiosyncratic result of having a lot of money.

But those are extraordinary happenings, and so I didn’t dwell on them. My life is almost exactly as I figured it would be (except for my father dying, and even then it wasn’t unexpected at his age).

What do I see my life like next year?

I suppose this is a legitimate question at this time of year. I see my life being a lot like this year. Hopefully, another novel or two; a few more readers, but not much changed. No sweeping changes. I have my fingers crossed for no big changes, because at my age, many of those can be catastrophic.

Here’s hoping for another cozy, uneventful year.

Writing What You Don’t Know

A common piece of advice given to writers is “write what you know”, which is why there are so many books about writers. (This suggests to me that we need to get more variety in writers, because I’d like to read something with some detail about wait staff or electricians, but that’s off topic.)

handful of potatoes
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To grow, however, a writer has to write about what they don’t know. This requires research, not just assuming that you do know. For example, Nora Roberts wrote a novel where, in the prologue, a character in Ireland is cultivating potatoes a long time before potatoes arrived in the Old World, being a New World vegetable. It’s natural to assume “Ireland = Potatoes”, but Ireland didn’t have potatoes till 1589. As much as I like Nora Roberts, here’s a historian’s take on what she gets wrong in one book.

Another example was a Jayne Ann Krentz novel (forget the name) whose male protagonist owned a winery. In this case, she got the details right, but the details were so sparse that the book didn’t have to have a winemaker protagonist at all. In this book, he strolled through the winery, and there was a little detail about a room with big barrels. I, as an amateur winemaker, expected at least a bit about him checking in with his chemist and taking a sample from a barrel to check out the taste. I expected my winery owner to be involved with the winery somewhat, for the sake of romance.

The takeaway is that your reader is going to know the details if you don’t. And the inaccuracy is going to take them out of the story.

Back when I was young, I wanted to write a story based on a long dream I had while sick with a kidney infection. My problem was that it took place “in the desert” and doing the level of research I would need just to show the characters’ interaction with the desert (wherever that was) would have been immense. I didn’t have time for immense research because I was trying to finish up a PhD. So I wrote a couple character sketches and segments of scenes and put it away.

Years later, the Internet made it possible for me to do the level of research I needed to finish the book. I chose the Owyhee desert (alternate future with demise of the US makes it no longer Bureau of Land Management land) and studied the flora and fauna as well as what food animals and crops would do well there for small landholders. I could not have researched that, nor could I have researched experimental underground habitats and water recollection. The book is named Whose Hearts are Mountains, and I’m going to publish it someday.

My advice for writing what you don’t know:

  • Look up basic facts, making sure that your sources are reliable. For the sake of writing, Wikipedia is usually concise enough, and its footnotes carry more information that will be helpful.
  • Provide enough detail that your readers are satisfied. This can vary, depending on who your readers are. But assume they want at least some accurate setting and background to feel engaged with your story. In romance, setting and background are one of the ways novels distinguish themselves with their time-honored plots and tropes. In fantasy, believable setting and background help you build a consistent world.
  • Ask yourself “what are my readers going to poke holes through?” Reinforce those areas with more real information.

Right now, I’m struggling to research the logistics of small town fire departments, fighting fires, and combustion in general. Luckily I live in a small town with a volunteer fire department, but I’m having trouble coordinating with the fire chief. I’ve been reading a lot online, especially things about fire trucks, firefighting gear, uniforms, and mutual aid. I have a couple small details I still need to find out. And this is just background to make sure the firefighting feels right. But I don’t want to write the book that people say “That’s not how it works” about. So it’s time to research.

Self-care in the Christmas Season

Chronic stress is not a badge of honor. In fact, it’s a life-shortening problem. Stress is, however, inevitable, because there will always be conflict. Without stress, humans would not survive because they would not recognize danger. It’s just when stress gets chronic that it eats away at the mind and body. Therefore, we need to resolve stress and get past it.

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I teach human services to students. They move on to case management careers, often transitioning to some sort of counseling after a while in the labor force. One question I ask them in case management class is what their self-care routines are. It’s important to take care of oneself when you work with other people in high-stress situations which sometimes hook into someone’s personal hurts. It’s important for everyone to decompress and let go of stresses.

As for my self-care, I’m off work until early January, the biggest perk of being a faculty member. I’d argue that I need the 3 weeks at Christmas to recuperate from dealing with students day in and day out. It’s a privilege, I know.

Because my fall semester is rough and my spring semester rougher, and because I manage bipolar II (when it doesn’t manage me), I try to cram in my self-care over the Christmas season.

On my self-care list:

  • Muscle soak baths
  • Plenty of water to drink
  • Christmas scent spritzed in the living room
  • All the Christmas lights on
  • Christmas music
  • Occasional naps
  • Hot Chocolate

So far, so good. I think I’m up to writing some on my novel today after a week of recovering (and maybe writing 500 words a day).

I hope you get at least a few moments for self-care this season.