Superstition

I’m the last person you would expect

I have a Ph.D., yet I am superstitious. Not in the way typically meant by that. I have a mostly black cat. I break mirrors all the time because I am preternaturally clumsy, and I have opened umbrellas in the house. And whistled past graveyards, just for fun. So I’m not superstitious in the traditional way.

I am superstitious in terms of curses. If something bad happens to me, especially in screwing up my work or writing life, it must be a curse, and the bad things will keep happening until I break the curse.

Breaking the curse

There’s only one problem with my superstitions: I don’t know how to break a curse. First, I imagine no specific person cursing me; I think it’s probably fate who has it in for me. (This is so irrational it embarrasses me). How can I break a curse with that sort of provenance?

I sincerely think I can, however, if I could figure out how. My superstition includes not magic, but symbolic psychology indistinguishable from sympathetic magic (because I have a Ph.D., of course).

When I write this down, the rational side of me cringes. I mean really cringes. But that’s the flip side of the problem — this is something I’m probably doing to myself subconsciously. My belief that I am failing might cause me to avoid what I need to do to succeed — at least that’s the psychological explanation; I’ve already admitted I’m superstitious). So who is cursing me? Me.

Time for me to do some ritual to reclaim at least as much luck as other people have. I don’t want to be too lucky, because good luck attracts bad influences.

I told you I was superstitious.

Happy New Year!

Happy 2022!

I have determined not to dread the coming of the new year or assume it will be better than 2020 or 2021 (but how could it be worse?) So I will look at it with cautious optimism and look at what I can control — what I do to make the best of the year.

My annual tradition

I have an annual tradition to make commitments for my year. I don’t do resolutions because they’re black-and-white: You keep them or you don’t. I prefer my method, which is to include the things I want to carry out in my life on the first day of the year. I have published my next novel, Gaia’s Hands. I have edited one of my works, eaten responsibly, organized some work for the beginning of the semester, organized my clothes a little, done a bit of cleaning … What do I have left? A few minutes on the exercise bike and a newsletter. Maybe I’ll do the newsletter first, which is how I generally feel about the exercise.

Here’s my hopes

I hope that beginning my year this way will keep me writing this newsletter. I have been struggling with it for a while. I would like it to be a part of my life, and I would like to reach you with it.

A Fuzzy Day

It’s not a warm fuzzy day, mind you. Just a fuzzy day. One where my brain isn’t quite clear. One where sitting on the couch (no, laying on the couch) doesn’t seem to be a bad thing to do.

I was going to work on editing my novel today, the second quarter of the book. But I don’t feel like it. I feel fuzzy.

I have to wake up before my appointment with my therapist or else I’m going to cancel that. Or sleep through it. I have already had tea (and a sip of coffee which left me tummyish).

Let’s see if I can wake up. Talk to you later!

Photo by Acharaporn Kamornboonyarush on Pexels.com

Recharging

On the fifth day of my vacation, I’m officially at the point where I don’t want to do anything but sit on the couch and binge-watch Babylon 5. This is unfortunate because I’ve been watching that with my husband and we’re two episodes from the end. So what would I binge-watch? I could watch Dune again, or Shang-Chi. (Notice a nerdy trend here?)

I don’t do nothing very well. I easily get restless and irritable. But I can’t motivate myself to do what I need to do right now, which is to edit It Takes Two to Kringle, possibly because the only reason I need to do it now is that I think I should. It’s due for uploading onto Kindle in October, and so I have plenty of time for revisions and the like.

Maybe it’s time to rest and recharge. What that looks like, I don’t know, because I don’t do nothing very well.

Food: A Blessing and a Curse

I have lost and gained so much weight in my life I could be triplets. Obese triplets. I’m not sure what the problem is, except that if I start eating sweets, I crave sweets to the exception of anything else, even when not hungry. It’s something I have little control over unless I do something drastic: eat responsibly. And keep eating responsibly even when the sugar cravings scream at me.

I’ve chosen to eat responsibly again. The type of responsible where half the plate consists of fruits and vegetables and, most importantly, the sweets are kept to a minimum. Greasy foods are kept to a minimum as well, but the real focus is on what health nuts call “eating clean”. (Vegans use the phrase slightly differently to mean “not eating animal products.” Although I don’t each much meat, I don’t shun it entirely.) I eat one small sweet thing a day — usually dark chocolate.

This situation is stressing me after only two weeks of lifestyle change. Not that I have trouble following the new dietary rules — I do follow them and follow them well. But the eventual arrival of sweets in the house for Christmas is putting me into a panic. I know how to deal with it — only eat one sweet thing a day. Focus on healthier food. Get variety. Love vegetables. But I’m still irrationally panicking. How can I just not care so much about sweet food?

Some people find it easy to stay thin. Some people struggle to lose weight. Once I start, I can lose weight as well as anyone else my age (which is to say slowly). But my addiction to sweets takes over again and I say “the hell with moderation” again.

I can’t let sugar take over my life again. My doctor says I’m hurting my body with this weight gain. I can do it. I just have to keep it up.

Making Up Holiday Traditions

Holidays in the age of COVID

This will be the second year that my husband and I will not be going to see my father and sister for Christmas. Even though we’re vaccinated and boosted and wear our masks, we’re cautious, because you can’t unmake COVID happen once it’s been caught. We decided that the threat of the Omicron variant plus the nearness of our destination to Chicago (and with hordes of Chicagoans coming there) make it too risky. Plus my dad is in his 80s, and I don’t want to gift him with any pathogens.

Feeling a loss

Richard and I feel a loss when we look at past Christmases — staying in a cabin at Starved Rock Lodge, sitting in the Great Hall opening up presents, watching families pose for pictures by the massive fireplace. Wandering around the nearby cities of Ottawa and Utica, splitting a huge pork tenderloin sandwich at Canalport (my hometown area is known for these). Visiting my family and swapping stories. All the rituals around Christmas, lost. We don’t even have snow!

The loss of rituals left Richard grouchy last night when his work dinner was canceled due to COVID. He got to the bottom of his symptoms of stomping and sighing pretty quickly when he realized the cause (it’s always good to know yourself).

The need for new traditions

With 10 days until Christmas, we will devise a set of Christmas activities to make up for what we have lost. We already have traditions of watching Christmas movies and episodes in the weeks leading up to Christmas. We have stockings, and the cats have a stocking too which we will fill with catnip cat toys. We will cook an Italian meal for Christmas dinner (but not the seven fishes of the traditional Italian meal, thank goodness). We will watch A Christmas Story and check to see if there are any good Christmas Day movies at the local theater.

We may play with words, play games, play with our new toys (I know I’m getting a fountain pen for my collection) and eat a feast with leftovers. We’ll cuddle in front of our fake fireplace, look at the Christmas tree, and eat turron (a candy I’ve always wanted to share with Richard; it’s from Spain, and there are several varieties of it. We have four).

We will find new traditions.

A Green Christmas

Christmas rituals

Every year, my husband and I hold our Christmas rituals dear. Decking the living room with lit garlands, decking the porch as well, setting out the creche that I grew up with, playing Christmas songs, editing the next Christmas romance, watching Christmas movies, turning on the Christmas tree.¹

The one ritual we’re missing

It hasn’t snowed appreciably here in northwest Missouri, and this means we haven’t celebrated one of our yearly rituals. For 35 years (give or take a few), I have celebrated the first snow. There has been no snow this year, and no snow in the forseeable forecast.

Whether alone or with friends, I have performed the ritual of First Snow:

Wait till at least one inch of fresh snow has fallen and it’s night out
Gather a bowl full of snow (or, alternatively, sit out in the snow)²
Grab a cup of preferred beverage³
Drink toasts to various things as your imagination grabs you⁴
Pass the cup around (pre-COVID)⁵
Always begin and end with “To the Snow”
When done, dump the last bit of the cup into the snow

First Snow, by its climatological nature, is impromptu. Generally, there’s not more than a few hours of warning. This has meant that anywhere from one (myself) to eight (friends) have met up for it.

But, as far as I know, it’s not happening this year according to the weather forecast. I guess I will have to enjoy my green Christmas

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The Christmas tree hides in the parlor. We literally just turn the lights on in the Christmas season. During the worst of COVID, we turned the lights back on all summer.
When I was younger, I sat out in the snow. Not anymore.
This beverage has ranged from blackberry brandy drunk out of a mug in a city park to hot chocolate with brandy on my balcony to plain hot chocolate in my living room.
The later in the round of toasts it is, the stranger and funnier the toasts grow. Especially if the contents of the cup are high-proof. For examples of toasts, click here.
Under COVID, it’s just me and my husband.

Long Time, No Write

Two months — are you kidding?

I apparently quit writing in this blog for almost two months, having made my last post on October 19th. I am a creature of habit, and when I lose that habit, I really, REALLY lose it. I apologize to my readers for such a long hiatus.

Where I’ve been

I’m doing well, although I’ve been busy. I went through a hard semester with my students. I published Kringle in the Night and wrote the first draft of It Takes Two to Kringle during NaNoWriMo. I put up Gaia’s Hands to be published January 1. Gaia’s Hands is romantic fantasy — or fantasy romance. I don’t know which one; it’s about split equally.

What I’ve learned

I’ve learned that I need to keep my routines so that I don’t lose track of the little things that connect me to the outside world. Like this blog and my Tik Tok.

I’ve learned that I need to be more forward in talking about my books. You do know that I have two published and one about to be published from the previous paragraph. I also have a space opera on Kindle Vella called Kel and Brother Coyote Save the Universe — of course, it has a romantic flavor.

What I want going forward

I’d love to share my books with you. I’d love you to share your books with me if you write. I’d like to make a space where we have good conversations.

Welcome!

Busy/Not Busy

New responsibilities at work

I’ve been moving into a period of more responsibilities at work, probably because I’m seeming more stable lately. I don’t mind, but I have to make sure I don’t a) procrastinate; b) overwork myself.

Balance

Work is a balancing game for me because of my bipolar disorder and because of my writing. I have office work to do today. And a meeting with a therapist. And part of my outline for It Takes Two to Kringle. Luckily I’m working at home today and I can get the work stuff done before I do personal stuff in the late afternoon.

The work unnerves me when I look at it all in one piece. Which, I guess, is a good reason not to look at it all at once.

Time for rest

I have to work on this one. I get plenty of sleep (this is necessary with bipolar) but I don’t always feel rested. I think a lot of this is psychological — when I’m faced with a pile of work, I fret about whether I’ll get it done, and that makes me tired.

I need to work on resting my mind, which comes from things like meditation, time management that includes free time, and sleep without dwelling on things. Empty mind, in other words.

Time to quit writing and do something

Yeah.

Difficult Conversation

Rumination

I have to have a difficult conversation with someone later today. I’m stewing over it, much more than I would like to. It’s getting in the way of my usual mood of calm anticipation. I’m ruminating about it. I keep rehearsing the worst case scenario.

I have to clear this, because it’s getting in the way of teaching. It’s getting in the way of enjoying life.

What to do

There are a few things I can do about this disturbance. One is doing a cognitive exercise, contradicting all the surmises I have about how the conversation is going to go. Another is mindfulness and focusing my attention to the present. Yet another is imagining that the conversation goes well, but for me this would lead to more rumination.

Right now I’m turning my attention outward listening to the Cowboy Bebop (original version) soundtrack. It’s amazing blues, showing off Yoko Kanno’s talent at its best. I’m waiting for the live action soundtrack to complete my auditory pleasure. Later I may have to do a cognitive, perhaps before my morning class, because I want to be my best for my classes.

In the End

In the end, this is a little thing in life, especially if the conversation is handled well with no blaming and empathetic listening. And in the meantime, I take care of myself so class (and my life) goes well.