Inching closer to self-publishing

I am closer — much closer — to self-publishing.

 I would be giving up a dream. Traditional publishing is my big dream, I think, because it’s external validation. Someone gives you a big shiny star, someone picks you for the dodgeball team. I was always the last one chosen for the dodgeball team. This might be why I have a dysfunctional relationship with the whole traditional publishing process — I want to be picked for the team and I still end up on the sidelines.

I’m still not easy about self-publishing, because I don’t know how to get people to read my book. I can’t just plop my book on the virtual bookshelf next to the other million people on the virtual bookshelf and expect people to read it. The quality of the books on the virtual bookshelf vary from very good to very poor, because not all people who self-publish go through the dev editor and beta-reader process like I do. How do people figure out what’s good to read? The rating system. How do books get read in the first place so they can earn those stars? Advertising and self-promotion.

I have to figure out how to self-promote, hoping I can get someone to read what I have to offer. I wish someone could do that for me, but I don’t anticipate having any money to pay for that.  Even offering it for free — you can do this sometimes, but if you make it free all the time people think you’re giving it away because you have to.

I feel a certain peace, now, thinking of self-publishing. My career doesn’t end with the rejections. I am not trapped on the sidelines of the dodgeball game. I will wait out the rest of the queries I still have out — rejections or six months out, whichever comes first. Then, if no agents take me on, I will self-publish Prodigies. And hope for the best.

Dreaming of a Garden

I dream of violets breaking through the earth,
presenting themselves with shy giggles,
and the ferns unfurling their fronds in stately parade,
Even the scruffy dandelions will come,
elbowing each other for room,
boldly declaring their rights under the sun.

For now, I must be satisfied with dreams
of introducing new lives in the garden —
rhubarb and greens and humble turnips all
slumbering in shells in cool, dry packages.

Tarot, Choices, and Motivation

I’ve just gotten back to reading tarot cards, having gotten a new deck for Christmas. I’m not great with it — in fact, I still have to read the little guidebook to see what the cards are telling me, mostly because I’m not a visual person.

I don’t read tarot to predict my future or anyone else’s. None of this “slap, slap, slap, your dog’s gonna die” card reading.  I read Tarot as a way of understanding what’s going on in someone’s psyche. I pick decks and methods that are suited for interrogating undercurrents and suggesting right action. The Good Tarot, my Christmas present, functions well in this way.

I don’t see my tarot-reading ability as having great favor from the spirits or anything dramatic like that. Tarot, to me, is a way of unlocking intuition and perhaps giving life-affirming instruction. Frankly, my readings are closer to positive psychology than woo-woo. Given that I teach positive psychology, that’s not surprising.

This morning I gave myself a very short reading. The way I do this is ask a question — the question was “what’s in store for me today?” I had already decided I would take some time putting more description in Voyageurs to make up for the material I cut by advice of my dev editor. So that was very much a part of “today”, but so was going to the weight clinic to try to find out why I haven’t lost this last 20 pounds. (I’ve lost 65 and have been on a plateau for a year).

I laid down one card — the two of fire. Its basic meaning — “creative planning for the future, mapping progress, trusting in the unknown. Spirit-led ambition.” (Baron-Reid, 2017). I laughed, because I sensed that one card told me everything I needed to know. But when I shuffled the cards again, two cards fell out — the aforementioned two of fire and The Fool, the card that symbolizes the beginning of a journey, a child’s enthusiasm.

The way those two cards go together tells more of a story: I am at the beginning of a journey, planning the journey with enthusiasm, trusting in the unknown rather than assuming that news will always be bad. It’s entirely possible I’m misinterpreting this and it’s about my class planning for the semester, although that’s less like a journey and more like a walk around the block. I suppose it could be about a journey I don’t know about yet. It doesn’t matter, because what matters is that I take that attitude to all my journeys.

Baron-Reid, C. (2017). The Good Tarot Guidebook. Hay House Publishing.

We’ll drink a cup of kindness yet …

I don’t make resolutions, because they’re more wish than goal without the supports that will make it happen. However, it is my custom over New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day to do all the important things I want to incorporate in my life. In other words, I prefer my superstitious tradition to the superstitious tradition of making resolutions. Go figure.

Therefore, in the next two days, I need to:

  1. Write. Yes, I haven’t given that up yet. I am writing this (because I want to maintain the blog) and I will hit my head against the dev edit of Voyageurs which somehow needs 24,000 words without extraneous information. Or maybe I should write the first page of a future novel. 
  2. Eat well. I’ve actually been doing that for the most part for almost three years. I’ve lost 65 lbs from my heaviest. I’d like to lose 20 more pounds, but my body doesn’t seem to want to, I don’t want to fall back into old habits.
  3. Walk. This is something I need to incorporate in my life. I need to find more supports to walking because it’s not something I love to do.
  4. Work. By this I mean start to organize my new semester. I will probably set up my new semester calendar today or tomorrow.
  5. Self-care. Good smelling bath and a facial mask for fun. Rose perfume (which I got cheaply — it’s a sample size).
  6. Reach out to others. This has been very difficult for me lately. My fears of rejection have multiplied with all the writing rejections I’ve gotten.
  7. Laugh. Oh, hell, I don’t need to try to do that. I laugh all the time.
Love and best wishes for your New Year (if you celebrate this version of New Year)!

Thoughts and Prayers

I know that most of you in the United States are people I already know. My overseas readers, for the most part, seem to be regulars, but I don’t know you (or don’t think I know you). I am addressing all of you.

I need your thoughts and prayers.

Not in the sense of “I need to say something of comfort so I can go back to what I was doing,” as is too often the case when handling preventable tragedies in the US.

But I believe in thoughts and prayers if they occur in the sense of “I hope the best for this person.” I believe this has an effect — not necessarily to bring out a desired outcome, but to provide hope, clarity, courage, patience in the person who needs these things.

I need these things, because I’m struggling with writing. You might have noticed that I haven’t been able to write daily, and that’s because I don’t know if I’m going to continue writing. I have no idea if I’m ever going to be published, and I’m not sure it’s worth the time and money it takes to improve and make a story reading-ready.

But I don’t know if I’m not going to continue writing, either.

So, if you have a spare moment and the intent to help, send thoughts and prayers my way. You don’t even have to tell me you did. But I need to find clarity to move forward in whatever direction opens to me. .

Christmas Eve — a little on the prosaic side

I write this from Ottawa, Illinois, where I am visiting my father and sister and her family for Christmas.

Things I’m thinking about:

1) I wish I could drop Northwest Missouri State (my place of employment) onto Ottawa. This would unite a college town without a college (Ottawa) with a college without a college town (Maryville). I miss the river and the beautiful state parks and the invigorated atmosphere of a town that attracts people from Chicago and the suburbs,.

2) I still have to adjust to being 55. The hardest part is that it’s now unseemly for me to get crushes on younger men (maybe it was before, but I didn’t notice). I’ve gone from being flattering to being an embarassment. This is a major adjustment for me.

3) I can be with my family without talking much. This is a relief.

4) I’m editing Voyageurs, and the big problem is that I have to “fill in” with 34,000 words. I have NO IDEA how to do this. Think good thoughts.

Merry Christmas to all my readers — please keep in touch!

Sorry!

I haven’t written in a couple days, for which I’m sorry. I like interacting with all of you.

Update:

  • My final grades get turned in at 10 AM today. I have NO incomplete grades for perhaps ever. 
  • I’ve gotten a few more rejections on Prodigies. I have to find a different strategy or give up.
  • I have a lot of editing to do with Voyageurs. The “let’s rearrange the chapters” kind of edit. The “I don’t like your characters” kind of edit. I’m dragging my feet on the edit because I’m still braindead from the end of the semester. But I push myself an hour at a time. 
I don’t know how to talk about the rejections without whining. If effort were enough, I would be published, because Prodigies went through two dev editors and should be pretty polished by now. I am getting rejected because the book “just doesn’t grab them.” I don’t know what to do about that. Maybe that’s one more thing to learn. 
Talk later — back to editing. 

Fantasies about writing

I’m still getting rejections, despite the improvements I’ve made to Prodigies. I’m also getting compliments despite that — I’ve been complimented for the quality of my writing, the scope of my story, and my character development. I don’t think the agents are saying this just to be nice. It’s just that the story doesn’t grab them. Or something.

I still entertain the belief that I can get an agent, and then get published. I sometimes entertain Walter Mitty-esque fantasies that I can make the New York Times bestseller list, and then I get another rejection and realize that I should settle for getting published by a smaller traditional publisher (AKA one that doesn’t expect me to do all the marketing, because I’m a writer, not a marketer.

My fantasies are out there, but at least they push me to work my hardest on my craft. Even if no agents want to take it on.

I don’t seem to be quitting.

I’m done with finals! A few last-minute items will trickle in and I will have to grade those as they come in, but … I’m done.

This means editing time. I have the developmental edits on Voyageur and the pre-developmental edit on Reclaiming the Balance. I’m not writing anything new until I get most of my written works through developmental edit.

Unless, of course, I get INSPIRED.

It could happen. There’s a book (unabashed fantasy-romance again) I want to write about a librarian with the heart of a lion and a fae trying to escape the Queen of Faerie. Somewhat like the old Tam Lin ballad except with more (a lot more) escapades. Definite Heroine’s Journey here. I don’t know if she ends up keeping the guy, though.

We’ll see. After all, this is my break …