Dull February

It’s still February, and I could use a change of pace.

When I was younger, I would wish for something weird to happen when I felt like this. It didn’t happen as often as I wanted it to; I don’t know what made me so much of a drama queen back then.

I understand the sentiment, however. My life has become predictable, tedious, and dull. To work and then home. Eat at A&G on Friday (it’s Greek Night, of course). Work, writing. Sometimes I go to Starbucks to write.

Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

I would like something unpredictable (in a good way) to happen.

Are there good unpredictable things that happen? Or are unpredictable things only tied to dire diagnoses and loved ones dying (neither of which I want)?

Am I just asking the universe for a cosmic cookie? And what’s the problem with that?

Spring Break comes in just two weeks (and a day). Maybe I’ll be able to find a change of pace then.

A Touch of Darkness

I shy away from writing about dark subjects in my blog. It’s strange because I’ve had several dark times in my life. I don’t want people to think I’m pandering for attention, even though the reason writers post their works in the first place is to get attention.

I won’t write dark for dark’s sake, nor will I use gratuitous trauma as a shortcut to character development. Yes, someone’s past will contribute to their character. But I won’t use trauma as the only character trait or even the main one, and only if it’s pertinent to the story. (See also the “fridging” phenomenon—killing a girlfriend character to motivate the main male character.)

Writing about dark topics in my stories is something I must work my way up to every time. For example, the body count in Apocalypse. I had trouble killing anyone, but a developmental editor told me that the last battle had to look hopeless, so I killed eight characters. I also, ironically, edited that book for gratuitous darkness because I had tried the cheap way to make it darker.

Sometimes an entire book is dark. Carrying Light, one of the two I’m currently writing, is a dark novel, being that it’s written at the cusp of the collapse of the United States. Apocalypse is dark, because the fate of humanity hangs in the balance. But it was hard to write these dark enough at first.

In the end, I think darkness needs to balance light. That’s just me; I know there are people who write dark all the time, with lots of death, depersonalization, and alienation. I can’t write there, because all my writing adopts a quote from ee cummings: “The single secret will still be man.”

I Long for Longyearbyen

One of the things on my bucket list is to spend a little time in Longyearbyen, Svalbard, Norway. It is a town within the Arctic Circle, the northernmost settled town in the world and one which has 24 hours of daylight in summer.

These are why I want to go there, to be as far north as I can get and to experience a 24-hour day. The wildlife nearby would also be an experience, but I would have to carry a big gun and I don’t think me with a gun is advisable. Maybe there are group tours?

Polar bear warning signs in Svalbard, Norway

I suspect there’s not a lot to do in Longyearbyen. That doesn’t bother me, because I want to be involved in writing for at least some of my time there. There is a cafe there that looks like a great place to write.

Longyearbyen is on my bucket list. Not Hawaii or Paris or England (unless I can visit the Shetland Islands), but Longyearbyen.

A Shooting Close to Home

Yesterday, the news hit close to home. A shooting at the Kansas City Chiefs (American football) Superbowl celebration at Union Station in Kansas City. 23 shot, including children. One killed.

I live 95 miles away, which means the shooting isn’t that close to home. But it is. Union Station is a landmark in Kansas City, a grand building which hosts exhibitions which have commemorated Van Gogh and the Holocaust. It’s a gathering place along with its nearby Memorial Hill and Liberty Memorial Tower. I have been there, eaten at Pierpont’s, and taken a train from the station to Hermann for my honeymoon. Never have I felt unsafe there.

The first I heard of the shooting was the messages on Facebook: Kansas City friends, please report in. Are you okay? And the reports came in, from friends and friends of friends: We went over the fence. I heard a series of pops and we ran. I was right in front of where it happened. I don’t know what to tell my kids.

23 shot, including children. One killed.

And then, the frustration. Thoughts and prayers become suspect, because the prayers we need are for people to do hard work to solve the mass shooting problem. The thoughts we need are for solutions. It’s going to take both pro- and anti-gun sides to do the work because that’s how we work in the US. Instead, we see finger-pointing and recriminations and the shrugging of shoulders because we can’t find any way to solve the problem of mass shootings.

I am a pacifist, so I sit on the side of fewer guns in the US. But I also believe that a way can open for us to find the solution, even with vehemently opposing sides. And my thoughts and prayers will go toward a way where this can happen.

Valentine’s Day Cute

I have mixed feelings about Valentine’s Day.

On one hand, I think it’s cute. I like hearts, and pink and red. I like seeing my friends get mushy. It’s enough to give me an “aww” attack!

On the other hand, the day and its sentiments are so indoctrinated into the population. Starting with children, whose valentines signify a popularity contest that leaves many children hurt. Then growing up, they as adults experience that loneliness again if they’re single. And, if they’re in a relationship, they face the ever-building barrage of messages of what they should be giving their sweethearts for the day.

I suspect we can’t have the cute without the indoctrination; we all have to use the holiday imagery to feel like we’re part of something. So I’ll go back to the cute.

Note: This is not me or my husband. It’s just cute.

How It’s Going Book-wise

Kringle Through the Snow is going pretty well. I keep writing on it, and it’s lively and fun. Sierra and Wade are about to have a nice evening analyzing The Grinch. And sitting next to each other on the couch because Shadow Lord, the immense Newfie, will take up the rest of the couch. Shadow Lord has an agenda.

Carrying Light is languishing in the bottom of my To Be Written pile. I just don’t know why that isn’t flowing, except it has nothing to do with characters. I don’t think it is plot. It is picky little details, like “Where is Janice going to work if the gift shop is no longer open and she’s getting no orders for pottery?” I feel sorry for Janice, but the collective can’t fix that problem for a while, for the good of the plot.

Okay, one book at a time, 750-1500 words at a time. I’ll finish the Kringle book first, then worry about Carrying Light. Oh, and fix the other book, the one I want to publish in December. Who, me busy?

All of Me

My husband asked me today if there’s a distinction between “writer me” and “non-writer me”. Do I perceive them as different personas? Do I keep them separate in my mind?

The answer is “no”. Perhaps it is because I don’t use a pen name, or because I’ve been writing for so long. But I’m a writer and a college professor and a partner to one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. And a few other things as well. I don’t see a contradiction in any of them, which is disappointing, because I so love contradictions.

I would hate to think that some other persona of mine was getting the recognition for my hard work. Or sitting at my breakfast table. That would be disconcerting.

February’s False Promise

Today feels like Spring. At 9:24 in the morning, the temperature is 53 degrees and I feel like Spring is not far away. But this is a trap, one that February springs on us every year. Sunday’s weather will be a high of 38.

I don’t understand what it is about me that relishes snow and cold until Christmas, then wants it gone from my sight. Frightful weather outside in December is one thing, but in February and March? Go away! I’m dreaming of Spring. I’m dreaming of flowers (but even the lure of seed catalogs yields more broken promises).

It sounds like I’m having a war with Winter here, doesn’t it? Maybe not a war, but at least a tiff. I cross my arms and look down my nose at the lie that is this weather. Then again, I walk to my car in a lighter-weight coat. I see Colden Pond has melted and I dream of crocuses popping up by the Kissing Bridge.

I guess this is just human nature (rather than Mother Nature, who grants us this tantalizing glimpse of Spring). I’ll enjoy the weather.

Less than Invincible

The first thing I thought about when contemplating writing this is “What would Lil BUB do?” And I realize that Lil BUB would write this somewhat personal post that makes me look less than invincible. So, I will write it.

A cardiologist has recently diagnosed me with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. This means that my heart muscle has stiffened up and my blood flow has some backsplash. I have obvious heart murmurs. I have likely had it for at least two years, because there’s evidence of it in a stress cardiogram two years ago when the doctor had apparently missed it. It means that I get winded easier (but that could also be because I am big and out of shape). I’m being treated with a simple higher dose of blood pressure medication; it is irreversible, but we can keep it from getting worse.

Mayo Clinic, on their website, says that I will have almost as long a life as if I didn’t have it. Almost. That’s a sobering word, and it hints at an eventual demise not as pleasant as I had been hoping for. I’m 60, however, at the age when things like this develop. Other sources discuss other treatments for it in case it gets worse. Many of these are invasive.

I can’t quite grasp what I’m reading. Some sources (such as Mayo and my cardiologist, make it sound like it is not a big deal, while others make it sound dire. Mayo says most cases are familial, but my cardiologist says I would have lots of people dying young in my family if mine were so.

I’m not used to not knowing. I will talk to my primary care physician when I can get in, and maybe then I will understand. In the meantime, I will lose weight and take my hypertension medicine. But I feel fragile now, older, less certain of life.

But what would Lil BUB do? She would go on living her life with a joyous, silly smile.

What would Lil BUB do?

Yesterday, I watched Lil BUB’s Celebration of Life on streaming media. Lil BUB, a dwarf feline and once the Internet’s cutest cat, died four years ago of an aggressive bone infection. Before that, she was a furry bodhisattva whose very pictures caused millions of people to smile. She appeared in pictures and video, a documentary, her own short-lived TV show, and in live appearances for charity (where I once met her. She really was a furry bodhisattva.)

She was also an ordinary cat with disabilities. Her owner, Mike Bridavsky (otherwise known as “Dude”), said this himself at the memorial service. This little ordinary cat raised over $1 million for cat-related charities through Lil BUB’s Big Fund.

In other words, BUB, despite her size, was a Big Audacious Cat.

I felt inspired by watching BUB’s Celebration of Life. She could accomplish that much in eight years? I’m not as cute as she was, but I can remember to be as audacious. Did she shrink from taking new opportunities? Did she hide from recognition? Did she get daunted by potential failure? (Yes, I know, she’s just a cat. But she’s also a persona, it can be argued. Or a purrsona.)

When it comes to my writing now, when I’m afraid of promoting my work, or thinking of quitting, or discouraged by lack of recognition, I’m going to ask myself the question: What would Lil BUB do?