Nam Ya

Daily writing prompt

What food would you say is your specialty?

My cooking specialty is a Thai dish, and not a common one for restaurants. It is Nam Ya, a dish of fish in a light curry sauce, served over noodles with a decent amount of cilantro.

It’s easy to make. Put half a can of green curry paste, a can of coconut milk, and half a can of water into a pot, with a lime leaf, a squeeze of lime juice, a half-teaspoon of sugar, and a chunk of dried galangal to add flavor. (Sometimes I put in chopped cilantro stems because I love cilantro.) Add a good dash of fish sauce and simmer till the mixture is smooth, then add flaked cooked catfish and heat. Serve over rice noodles and top with cilantro.

To me, this is comfort food, good for when I’m getting over the flu or just have had a bad day. It’s spicy, mellow, and fresh-tasting. I could use some right now!

Group of anchovy basket at fishing outdoor farmers market, anchovy is material to make fish sauce, very delicious Vietnamese food, many produce of fishery cover by ice to keep fresh

Not Everyone Will Like You

Daily writing prompt

Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

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The lesson I didn’t learn until I was in my early thirties, that I wish I would have learned a lot sooner, was “Not everyone is going to like you, and you’re not going to like everyone.”

As a child, I wanted everyone to like me. I think this was because I didn’t get the feeling of always being loved by my parents. I had a very uneven upbringing, where my mother threatened me with abandonment as a form of discipline.

Everyone didn’t like me. I was bullied in school, not surprisingly, because I was so needy. It’s ironic, but the people who get bullied are the ones who need friendship the most. They are vulnerable, and bullies seek vulnerability.

As an adult, this need to be liked carried over. As a professor, this helped me get along with my students, but afraid to stand up to them. I did anyhow, somehow, but felt bad when they didn’t like me anymore.

Then one day, in a therapy group, I ran into a bully at a very vulnerable time. The therapist gave me permission to think sadistic thoughts about the bully. I didn’t go so far, but it was a shock to my system that I didn’t have to belly up in front of her and grovel till she liked me.

Later, a social worker told me “Not everyone’s going to like you, and you’re not going to like everyone.” That was probably the most important piece of advice someone has ever given me. I no longer try to ingratiate myself to people who dislike me. My life is a lot calmer and more peaceful. And not everyone has to like me. I’m okay.

The Best Piece of Advice

Daily writing prompt

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

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The best piece of advice I’ve ever received was in inpatient therapy at Brattleboro Retreat 30 years ago. This probably needs a bit of explaining.

I was in an inpatient program at a private institution called Brattleboro Retreat, which I understand was the place where some movie stars chose to dry out in the olden days. By the time I was there, it had quite a good reputation for helping women with complicated diagnoses compounded by sexual abuse history. That was me, with a marriage breaking up and sexual abuse issues.

One of the things I discovered was that the group I was in was a great place to recreate childhood playground traumas. I was bullied as a child; I was bullied as a participant in the program by other participants. This might have been because I spent nearly the whole time crying over breaking up with my husband, which might have had to do with depression (I was later diagnosed as bipolar, after all). But moreover, I tried to befriend the people who bullied me, a pattern from my childhood. I felt like I had to make everyone like me.

One of the social workers said to me one day in a one-on-one session, “You don’t have to like everyone and not everyone has to like you.” This was a revelation to me, because I really thought I had to be liked by everyone to be a good person. It’s not an exaggeration to say this piece of advice changed my life.

Brattleboro had a way of tearing the floor out from under people and then reminding them there was a safety net. It had us building a new foundation for life.

I Should Get Rid of ‘Should’

Daily writing prompt

If you had to give up one word that you use regularly, what would it be?

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If I had to get rid of one word I use regularly, the word would be ‘should’.

‘Should’ is attached to expectations, oftentimes other people’s expectations. Saying ‘You should’ projects my values upon another person more often than not. ‘Should’ seems to come with a certain amount of shame if one doesn’t follow it.

“Should I do this?” If I ask this question, the response from my husband will be, “I don’t know, should you?” And rightfully so, because what I need to do at that moment is an analysis of the pros and cons of doing the action.

‘I need to’ is a different phrase than ‘I should’. It is a statement referring to consequences of not doing something, which are experienced by the person. It takes responsibility for itself.

I should get rid of ‘should’. See how hard it is?

Why I Blog

I ask myself this question often. I don’t know if I am satisfied with any of my answers, but I will spell them out as honestly as I can.

I originally started blogging as a way to publicize my writing. I write magical realism novels and Christmas romances. They’re very different from each other. It turns out that I talk little about my novels, although I am still writing them. You can find my novels at this link: Lauren Leach-Steffens’ author page.

After a while, I started writing because I liked the concept of followers. I like having an audience for writing, even though I know it’s more “pure” to write for the simple joy of writing. I have extrinsic motivation for writing.

For the past year, I wrote because I had a Big Audacious Goal of writing 365 days in a row. I made my goal a couple weeks ago. It took a lot of work. Then I took a break.

Now, at the moment, I write because it’s a habit. I think I have good things to say, and so I write. I still want followers, I still want to sell books, but I’m now writing (for the most part) to be heard, by whoever wants to read my writing.

Holding a Grudge

I hold grudges. Specific grudges. Long-lasting grudges. I don’t know why I haven’t let go these grudges except they represent disrespect to me, and I don’t like to be disrespected.

The grudges I hold are specifically on women who have tried to steal my boyfriends. There are a couple of them, maybe 3. One of them got into a necking session with my boyfriend (Don’t worry, I’m not with him anymore for good reason), one of them bedded the guy I had a crush on, and the third tried to go to bed with anyone I showed interest in. They didn’t just accidentally end up in bed with someone I was dating, they aggressively went after these guys. This is against the Girl Code^TM.

It’s been almost 40 years in some cases, yet I still hold a grudge. I just can’t countenance disrespect at that level. Would I be a better person if I let it go? I don’t think so; some people are just toxic and I never got an apology.

Luckily, nobody is trying to steal my husband. I guess we all grow up after a while.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Early morning

What’s your favorite time of day?

My favorite time of day is morning when I wake up, which for me is 5AM. The sky is still dark and the world is quiet. I feel like the only person awake in the world.

The Enjoyment of Writing

Daily writing prompt

What do you enjoy most about writing?

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What I enjoy most about writing is the ‘aha’ reaction I get when my mind finds a new twist or a new direction to go while writing. I am what is known as a plantser, somewhere between planning the book and flying by the seat of my pants. In this method of writing, there is a certain amount of writing with the flow, although it’s grounded in a general outline. This gives me plenty of room for ‘aha’ reactions.

I love it when I learn something new about a character, for example. I will do this while writing, where suddenly one of my characters does something surprising. I have to pause and see whether it’s out of character, and if it’s not, then I have learned something new about the character. One of my favorite recurring characters, Luke Dunstan, still surprises me at times.

Plots behave similarly. I might find a plot point flowing through my mind and onto the screen. I test it to see if it works, and if it does, it becomes part of the book. I don’t know how it happens, but it does. Maybe my subconscious does more writing than I give it credit for.

The ‘aha’ of new developments is my favorite part of writing.

In an alternative universe

Describe your life in an alternate universe.

I wake up at 5 in the morning, and the first thing I do is check my phone. It says that I have fifteen more minutes before I need to get up, so I read the phone for a while. The news announces that the President has just signed new climate accords mandating an increase in clean fuels over the next 15 years. Those in the fading coal and oil industries will be retrained in solar and wind.

I get dressed and go downstairs to my car. My car is electric, as most of the cars are. The cost has gone down enough that people can afford them. Clean tech is subsidized through tax incentives.

There hasn’t been an air quality alert in three years. Cities are cleaner and asthmatics can breathe better. The world is healing itself, given a chance.

In my office, the hypoallergenic therapy cat saunters by asking to be petted. I pet her and she jumps in my lap. I guess I needed a hug. My cats at home get jealous sometimes.

My coworkers are friendly, relieved of the stress of the environment.the world is a bit kinder of a place.

A Cat Cafe?

If you were going to open up a shop, what would you sell?

If I had a shop, it would be a coffee shop. With cats. I would want a cat cafe. How could I resist two of my favorite things?

To spend the day in a room full of cats and coffee? That would be a charming existence.

The problem is that cat cafes tend to be non-profit, and I would need to be independently wealthy to run it without a profit. If I were independently wealthy, I would want space to travel. So much for that idea.

I still want to fantasize about it, though.