The Night I Cooked on Ambien

Daily writing prompt

Write about your most epic baking or cooking fail.

I saw the above prompt on my WordPress page and couldn’t resist telling the story on how I cooked myself a snack while asleep on Ambien. Ambien is a prescription sleep aid notorious for inducing sleepwalking.

I was having trouble sleeping at the time this story happened, and the doctor was trying many sleeping medications to get me a good night’s sleep. He prescribed me Ambien, which many people have had much success with.

The first night I tried it, it worked magnificently. I slept soundly and didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. Night two, however …

My husband was working a night shift, and I was hungry. I went to bed craving something very specific. We had all the ingredients for the recipe: candied pecans. It’s a very simple recipe with butter, pecans, sugar, and cinnamon. It cooks up in a skillet until the pecans toast and the sugar/butter mixture has caramelized. I decided it was too late to cook, and so I went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up to the smell of burnt pecans and sugar in the kitchen. I wondered about that, until I looked in the garbage and saw a mass of burnt pecans and sugar. I then remembered the dream where I had made myself the pecans I had craved the night before.

Apparently I had gone sleepwalking and made myself a batch of candied pecans, which I had managed to burn on the stove. I looked on the stove and saw the cast iron frying pan, freshly cleaned and seasoned. Not only had I made myself candied pecans in my sleep, but I had cleaned up after myself like a good home economist (which I am).

So that’s the story of my greatest cooking disaster. It wasn’t even that disastrous, except I couldn’t eat the results. It’s a wonder I didn’t set the house on fire. The doctor took me off Ambien the next day.

How I Relax

Daily writing prompt

How do you relax?

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I don’t feel I do a good job of relaxing. I don’t do nothing well, as I’ve said before, so relaxing is something I don’t do well. When I do relax, I often complain because I’m doing, well, nothing.

I should read more, but I rarely feel like tackling a new book when I’m tired and need to relax. So I read the Internet. I read Quora and look at Instagram and speed through Facebook. I used to read Am I the Asshole and the like on Reddit, but those take away my faith in humanity, so I quit reading them.

I don’t watch TV and seldom watch streaming services or DVDs. When I do, I tend to favor stuff I’ve watched before as soothing. Apparently, my mind is so tired of processing new input that, as with reading, I don’t want any new input.

I meditate occasionally, and I think that’s a positive way to relax, except that so much of the time I fall asleep. That’s a hazard for me when I relax, the sleeping.

I’d like to find a better way to relax, one which doesn’t seem like such a waste of time. But then, would it be relaxing?

My Ideal Home

Daily writing prompt

What does your ideal home look like?

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I currently live in a two story home from the early 1900s, probably a kit home, as it fits some of the patterns one sees in kit homes. I grew up in an architect-designed version of that type of home, only with three stories (a walk-up attic where the daughter had the whole floor to herself, rumor had it). I have an affinity for old houses, and my ideal house would be the one I grew up with, except …

I would want it extensively restored. I would get the wood floors and trim refinished, and the walls repainted or wallpapered (depending on what the original version looked like). I would consign all the paneling to the deepest circle of Hell.
I would get new windows.
I would never have gotten rid of the butler’s cabinets or the parlor cabinet. (This would require me to turn back time, but this is my ideal house.)
It would be much less cluttered. We keep a lot of small objects in the kitchen ‘we may need someday’. We also own a few ‘well, we have an extra of this just in case the original breaks down.’ Skip the Marie Kondo treatment — I want a dumpster and two brawny men to start on the basement and not finish till they run out of rooms.
There would be a bigger circuit box and enough outlets.
It would have a two-car garage and a decent driveway. The garage where I grew up was a death trap we did not use, and the driveway was a grass strip that was impassible in the winter when we needed it the most.
We’d put an elevator in. I’m getting old and I might get to where I can’t use stairs.

If I couldn’t put an elevator in, I would have to settle for a one-story house. I do not love ranch-style houses because of their ‘garage-forward’ design, so I’d have to put the garage on the side. I would like it to have universal design front and center. If I have to live in a one-story house, I want to be sure it’s accessible to my elderly self.

Beware of the Happy Cry

Daily writing prompt

What brings a tear of joy to your eye?

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I don’t cry for joy often. It’s just not in my repertoire. When I feel joy, it’s generally a buoyant feeling, not complicated by any touch of sadness.

Except when I encounter (with my unwilling participation) inspirational and sentimental moments. Let me explain. I get weepy at the Olympics, cat food commercials, and human interest stories. It’s like a button any manipulative marketer can push, and tears come out. Graduation ceremonies? Hallmark commercials? Songs from my childhood? There I am, getting weepy.

I actually use my happy crying as a sign of whether my medication is working. If I get too weepy, it’s time to talk to the doctor.

My cynicism is what saves me from melting into an easily-manipulated goo every time I read inspiration porn. Is this story designed to make me happy cry? If so, I dry my tears and take a deep breath. Except at cat food commercials, because they’re just so sweet.

Giving up ‘Should’

Daily writing prompt

If you had to give up one word that you use regularly, what would it be?

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If I had to give up one word that I use regularly, it would be ‘should’.

‘Should’ is a word full of judgment. Someone else is judging us or we are judging ourselves against some unspoken standards that we are not ourselves claiming. “I should do my homework.” The word ‘should’ always sounds like “I’d really like to do something else, but X says I should do my homework.”

Admittedly, there are things we need to do. But ‘need to’, although it’s two words, is a perfectly good phrase to use here. “I need to do my homework” implies an internal locus of control rather than the external ‘should’. The speaker has a need which they can fulfill. It’s also a positive statement: “I take care of my needs.”

I would feel a lot stronger if I didn’t use ‘should’.

The Last Thing I Got Excited About?

Daily writing prompt

Tell us about the last thing you got excited about.

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My answer to this question is going to be disappointing. I don’t get excited about much anymore. I attribute this to my age (60). By now I’ve seen everything; I’m much more mellow. Time passes, and I get to the next item on the calendar.

That being said, I look forward to things. Soon I will get to work on the cover of my next book. I look forward to this weekend and to the first day of classes on Monday. I will go to Starved Rock at Christmas and I look forward to that. I just don’t have the “I can’t wait” feeling I had when I was younger.

It’s not bad being relaxed about life. It’s a good thing, because my life doesn’t resemble a roller coaster between highs and lows, excitement and doldrums. I would guess former excitement levels were an artifact of the bipolar disorder, and the only reason I don’t seem excited now is because I was SOOOO eager before. So maybe my lack of excitement is a relative thing, and I really am excited for Monday and a once-again change to the routine. I’ll see when I get there.

My Namesake

Daily writing prompt

Where did your name come from?

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I don’t know why my parents thought I would turn out normal after they named me after my Uncle Larry. My reprobate Uncle Larry, who collected rents at his apartment building with a gun holster strapped to his thigh, the one of endless parties, the one who died when he neglected a perfectly curable skin cancer until it was too late. Why do you name a kid after someone like that?

I turned out a rebel in different ways. I went to college (the first person in my direct line to do so) and didn’t quit until I graduated with a PhD. This doesn’t sound like a rebellion, but I was a late baby boomer, and my mother practically begged me to come home and become a waitress, an acceptable job that could make a lot of money from tips. Mom finally gave up all hope of having a grandchild from me, a wise choice.

I went through these years with untreated bipolar disorder, and I was very sedate for someone with the malady. I didn’t abuse drugs; I gave up partying after a short stint of drinking with roommates; I didn’t get pregnant. I was, however, eccentric, and that hasn’t gone away since the medication.

This is what happens when you name someone after their crazy uncle.

What Motivates Me?

Daily writing prompt

What motivates you?

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I wish I could write an inspirational answer to this question, because it’s ripe for a motivation expert to make money from. Alas, I will not be inspirational, only honest.

I had a very productive summer on both the writing and the work fronts. I paced myself so that my work didn’t fall due at the last minute. From this, I learned what motivates me.

First, boredom motivates me. There’s only so much scrolling on the Internet I can stand without being bored. I don’t like being bored. I could have slept all that time, I suppose, because I don’t find sleep boring; however, day sleeping is not good for me. That left me with needing something to do, and work and writing helped.

Second, flow motivates me. I get flow from productive writing. Not so much from putting together classes; designing course sites and planning lessons doesn’t promote that seamless experience. I want to experience flow, so it’s motivating.

Third, blocking out time motivates me. I had whole days to waste all summer and work that I could do later. Instead, I told myself daily, “I will do three chapters first, then follow that up with writing time.” I put the less motivational classwork first. I scheduled everything in-between my intern visits (which broke up the monotony of having the same classwork daily).

There are some things, however, that I find so unmotivating that I avoid them. Housework is one of these things. I seem so overwhelmed trying to clean a cluttered house that I just break down. Our house is messy and cluttered as a result. Not dirty, just messy and cluttered. I think I will not be motivated for that until my husband and I decide to tackle the clutter together.

We can use the following professionally recommended strategies: 1) Break it down into smaller tasks; 2) Do the hardest stuff first; 3) Reward ourselves; 4) Quit if we’re not into the task after 15 minutes. That last part is the challenging one: I am never into housework. Is anyone?

I am obviously not a motivational expert, because I have not conquered my house. I hate the thought of the house taking away my precious writing time. So I hope my readers got something out of this anyhow.

A Rejection

I got a submission rejected yesterday. I knew I would, because it was a “first chapter” call, and I submitted my obviously genre fiction first chapter to an outfit likely looking for literary fiction. They let me down easy, of course.

Do I feel bad about it? Of course. I had fantasies about at least being longlisted, if not actually winning.

I’ve been rejected a lot. I suspect that much of the time, it’s because I have entered works into the realm of literary journals when I’m a genre writer; my stuff “doesn’t fit”. I’ve been told this. Much of the time, although I don’t like to admit it, my work probably doesn’t fit their quality standards either. I don’t know why I keep trying, except that one of my “doesn’t fit” stories got an honorable mention in a clearly literary contest.

I could take my rejections as not being “good enough”, or I could keep trying. I no longer query agents for my novels, instead choosing to self-publish. My reasons for this are less about rejections and more about the horror stories I’ve heard about traditional publishing these days. I go through periods of submitting on Submittable, and occasionally I get published. I’m not universally rejected, and nobody has begged me never to publish anything else again.

Rejections don’t spoil my flow time, nor do they destroy my inspirations. I do hope I get a major acceptance someday, because external validation is something I crave. But I’m still writing.

At the Risk of Sounding Repititous …

What do you enjoy most about writing?

My favorite thing about writing is getting totally absorbed in the process, a process called “flow”. I am a flow evangelist; I believe that everyone should find a flow activity. Flow contributes through well-being by engaging our brains in something outside ourselves.

Now that I got that out of the way, I will talk about other things I enjoy about writing. One of the biggest is watching my progress. When I was younger, I used a lot of adjectives, and my writing had a lot of “adjective noun, adjective noun” construction. This got a bit sing-songy. Now I write with just enough adjectives to get my point across, and not always paired with a noun directly. I used to use a lot of adverbs, with the same monotony of language. Now I use them sparingly and with more interesting nouns. I think this is an improvement; at least when I read my work over, it sounds better.

I enjoy watching my characters develop. It’s interesting how I have the bare idea of a character at the beginning, and once I start writing, their conversations flesh them out as a real character. I sometimes write conversations with them (which I call interrogations) to develop their characters and help me write.

But all of this comes back to the ability to sit and write, finding the words and going into an altered state where the words flow on the page and I lose track of time. It all goes back to flow.