Not Brands, but Reference Groups

Daily writing prompt

What brands do you associate with?

I don’t associate with any commercial brands, but I do associate with what this question is getting at.

I don’t believe people associate directly with brands, except perhaps with trucks — there are “Chevy people” and “Ford people” in the US, and a few deranged “Tesla bros”. People associate with reference groups, which they use to identify themselves as a part of. This is something I learned in a consumer behavior class many, MANY years ago.

Bangkok, Thailand – April 16, 2022 : Stanley of pink stainless steel thermos travel mug to keep the drink warm or cold. Stanley Go Vacuum Bottle 12.5 OZ

Reference groups can be associative — “I am a member of this group”. For example, one of my reference groups is “college professor”, which makes me prone to buying gas-efficient vehicles and Starbucks coffee. Reference groups can be dissociative — “I would not be caught dead being a member of this group”. I am vehemently not a member of the reference group that listens to Kid Rock and drinks Budweiser beer. Last, they can be aspirational — “I would like to be a member of that group.” I would like to be a member of the upscale ecologically conscious consumer who has a home composter and a butterfly garden landscaped by someone else.

We buy brands because of their association with reference groups, because we want to be a member of that reference group. We refuse to buy certain things from our dissociative reference groups. We don’t so much say “I’m a Ford person” — unless we’re talking about trucks, and even then, we buy them largely based on our perceptions of who’s in that group. I will excuse myself to drink my home-roasted coffee, which marks me as part of the aspirational group “coffee snobs” now.

My Most Valuable Lesson

Daily writing prompt

Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

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“Not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone.”

I did not learn this lesson until I was in my thirties, in a difficult situation. I attended an inpatient program for sexual abuse survivors in complex circumstances, and I was being bullied by one of the women there in group therapy. Instead of writing her off as a — many words come to mind, none of them kind — I alternated between trying to ingratiate myself to her and defending myself. Just as I had done in my childhood when people bullied me.

I spent a lot of time crying about my mistreatment. Then, in a one-on-one with my social worker, she said, “not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone.” I stared at her. Wasn’t it normal to be liked by everyone? Wasn’t there something wrong with me if not everyone liked me? No, and no.

This became my mantra when faced with bullies or even people who just didn’t like me. I didn’t have to grovel to people who didn’t like me. I didn’t have to make them like me. I had the right to exist, like everyone else.

A Useful Topic

Daily writing prompt

Which topics would you like to be more informed about?

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The prompt asks, ‘Which topics would you like to be more informed about?’ I can think of one topic I’ve perused Wikipedia about. I have never studied it in greater detail but would love to learn about it.

The topic is molecular biology. I am fascinated because we came from single-celled organisms way back in the primordial soup days; our cells have organelles that mimic the productive functions of our most basic organs. I keep forgetting the organelles’ names except for the mitochrondia, the powerhouse of the cell. That’s memorable for me because of all the things that could go wrong there and cause genetic diseases.

(See this picture? I don’t know all the parts.)

I would love to know molecular biology at least at a basic level; I don’t know if I’d go as far as the ATP cycle (which I vaguely remember from a nutrition test at the undergraduate level) but just remembering the parts of a cell and knowing how they work. DNA would be a pleasant bonus.

Knowing molecular biology will change nothing in my life. I do not need it for my vocation (associate professor of human services) or my avocation (writing). In fact, I don’t need to know for any reason except for my curiosity. But that’s enough.

Neither a Leader Nor a Follower

Daily writing prompt

Do you see yourself as a leader?

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Do I see myself as a leader? No, I do not. I take on too much as a leader, and I am uncertain of how to take charge in a meeting. I would rather not lead.

Do I see myself as a follower? No, I don’t see myself as a follower either. I get impatient with following, because my mind works fast and I want to find the solution.

I’m neither a leader nor a follower. Although I can function as a leader or a follower, I don’t like those positions. What does that leave? I’m an independent thinker, I’m the person who does the group project themselves, I just want to get things done.

I feel guilty that I’m not a leader. I’ve always been taught that’s where we’re supposed to be in life. I also know that leaders should be followers as well. Just let me do my thing, I’ll get it done, and everything will be okay.

Daily writing prompt

What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?

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car used salesperson selling old car as brand new truck salesman typical topic ok gesture

This is not a personality trait per se, but a mannerism or behavior which reflects a character trait of — maybe — narcissism/sociopathy. Or a behavior that salespeople use when they’re trying to get a sale. But I think this question is written wrong, because how do we tell personality traits except with behavior?

I don’t trust people who use my name more than twice in conversation. I feel manipulated. How dare they presume to know me so well that they use my name frequently? What motivations do they have with this forced familiarity?

Using my name frequently raises a parade of red flags and leads me to end that conversation very, very quickly.

The Night I Cooked on Ambien

Daily writing prompt

Write about your most epic baking or cooking fail.

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I saw the above prompt on my WordPress page and couldn’t resist telling the story on how I cooked myself a snack while asleep on Ambien. Ambien is a prescription sleep aid notorious for inducing sleepwalking.

I was having trouble sleeping at the time this story happened, and the doctor was trying many sleeping medications to get me a good night’s sleep. He prescribed me Ambien, which many people have had much success with.

The first night I tried it, it worked magnificently. I slept soundly and didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. Night two, however …

My husband was working a night shift, and I was hungry. I went to bed craving something very specific. We had all the ingredients for the recipe: candied pecans. It’s a very simple recipe with butter, pecans, sugar, and cinnamon. It cooks up in a skillet until the pecans toast and the sugar/butter mixture has caramelized. I decided it was too late to cook, and so I went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up to the smell of burnt pecans and sugar in the kitchen. I wondered about that, until I looked in the garbage and saw a mass of burnt pecans and sugar. I then remembered the dream where I had made myself the pecans I had craved the night before.

Apparently I had gone sleepwalking and made myself a batch of candied pecans, which I had managed to burn on the stove. I looked on the stove and saw the cast iron frying pan, freshly cleaned and seasoned. Not only had I made myself candied pecans in my sleep, but I had cleaned up after myself like a good home economist (which I am).

So that’s the story of my greatest cooking disaster. It wasn’t even that disastrous, except I couldn’t eat the results. It’s a wonder I didn’t set the house on fire. The doctor took me off Ambien the next day.

How I Relax

Daily writing prompt

How do you relax?

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I don’t feel I do a good job of relaxing. I don’t do nothing well, as I’ve said before, so relaxing is something I don’t do well. When I do relax, I often complain because I’m doing, well, nothing.

I should read more, but I rarely feel like tackling a new book when I’m tired and need to relax. So I read the Internet. I read Quora and look at Instagram and speed through Facebook. I used to read Am I the Asshole and the like on Reddit, but those take away my faith in humanity, so I quit reading them.

I don’t watch TV and seldom watch streaming services or DVDs. When I do, I tend to favor stuff I’ve watched before as soothing. Apparently, my mind is so tired of processing new input that, as with reading, I don’t want any new input.

I meditate occasionally, and I think that’s a positive way to relax, except that so much of the time I fall asleep. That’s a hazard for me when I relax, the sleeping.

I’d like to find a better way to relax, one which doesn’t seem like such a waste of time. But then, would it be relaxing?

My Ideal Home

Daily writing prompt

What does your ideal home look like?

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I currently live in a two story home from the early 1900s, probably a kit home, as it fits some of the patterns one sees in kit homes. I grew up in an architect-designed version of that type of home, only with three stories (a walk-up attic where the daughter had the whole floor to herself, rumor had it). I have an affinity for old houses, and my ideal house would be the one I grew up with, except …

I would want it extensively restored. I would get the wood floors and trim refinished, and the walls repainted or wallpapered (depending on what the original version looked like). I would consign all the paneling to the deepest circle of Hell.
I would get new windows.
I would never have gotten rid of the butler’s cabinets or the parlor cabinet. (This would require me to turn back time, but this is my ideal house.)
It would be much less cluttered. We keep a lot of small objects in the kitchen ‘we may need someday’. We also own a few ‘well, we have an extra of this just in case the original breaks down.’ Skip the Marie Kondo treatment — I want a dumpster and two brawny men to start on the basement and not finish till they run out of rooms.
There would be a bigger circuit box and enough outlets.
It would have a two-car garage and a decent driveway. The garage where I grew up was a death trap we did not use, and the driveway was a grass strip that was impassible in the winter when we needed it the most.
We’d put an elevator in. I’m getting old and I might get to where I can’t use stairs.

If I couldn’t put an elevator in, I would have to settle for a one-story house. I do not love ranch-style houses because of their ‘garage-forward’ design, so I’d have to put the garage on the side. I would like it to have universal design front and center. If I have to live in a one-story house, I want to be sure it’s accessible to my elderly self.

Beware of the Happy Cry

Daily writing prompt

What brings a tear of joy to your eye?

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I don’t cry for joy often. It’s just not in my repertoire. When I feel joy, it’s generally a buoyant feeling, not complicated by any touch of sadness.

Except when I encounter (with my unwilling participation) inspirational and sentimental moments. Let me explain. I get weepy at the Olympics, cat food commercials, and human interest stories. It’s like a button any manipulative marketer can push, and tears come out. Graduation ceremonies? Hallmark commercials? Songs from my childhood? There I am, getting weepy.

I actually use my happy crying as a sign of whether my medication is working. If I get too weepy, it’s time to talk to the doctor.

My cynicism is what saves me from melting into an easily-manipulated goo every time I read inspiration porn. Is this story designed to make me happy cry? If so, I dry my tears and take a deep breath. Except at cat food commercials, because they’re just so sweet.

Giving up ‘Should’

Daily writing prompt

If you had to give up one word that you use regularly, what would it be?

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If I had to give up one word that I use regularly, it would be ‘should’.

‘Should’ is a word full of judgment. Someone else is judging us or we are judging ourselves against some unspoken standards that we are not ourselves claiming. “I should do my homework.” The word ‘should’ always sounds like “I’d really like to do something else, but X says I should do my homework.”

Admittedly, there are things we need to do. But ‘need to’, although it’s two words, is a perfectly good phrase to use here. “I need to do my homework” implies an internal locus of control rather than the external ‘should’. The speaker has a need which they can fulfill. It’s also a positive statement: “I take care of my needs.”

I would feel a lot stronger if I didn’t use ‘should’.