Healthy Boundaries

Write your guide to setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

The one rule that has helped me in making healthy boundaries in relationships is also one of the hardest ones to get into my head. It makes perfect sense yet is maddening.

The key, I’ve learned, is “You can’t make someone do anything.” This has staggering implications. You can’t make someone take out the garbage. You can’t keep someone from cheating. It seems unfair, but it’s true.

You can choose how to react to what the other person is doing. You can argue with them, ignore them, walk away. You can communicate so both of your viewpoints are heard. If that doesn’t work, you can go into therapy or break up. Or both.

It’s not a comforting truth. We want things to go our way, because tension is uncomfortable. Conflict is not pleasant. But it is inevitable, because conflict is what happens when someone’s needs are not being met.

The bright part of this is that trying to control the other is a great part of why relationships fail. Accepting that you can’t control someone else is a way out. Use your words, learn to argue better, nurture the positive so that your relationship feels ‘worth it’ — this is the rest of how to do healthy relationships. But it starts with “You can’t make someone do anything.”

These ideas are not original with me. I would recommend works by John and Julie Gottman for more on healthy relationships.