A Maskless Life

The news yesterday

When I read that the CDC had advised that vaccinated Americans need not wear masks in most circumstances, I trusted it. I decided it was time to go maskless . After all, this is the CDC, the same authority that I trusted when they told me to mask.

But at the same time

After a year of masks, sanitizing surfaces, and staying away from public places, I don’t know what to think. I’ve made a habit of masking up when going out of the house, and when I forget, finding the stockpile of paper masks from the back of the car. I had been told only a month or so before that unmasked, vaccinated people could still transmit the virus. It’s not that I don’t trust the CDC — I trust science even though it doesn’t always seem consistent as it evolves. It’s just that — it’s like building up your defenses against a marauding army only to find that it has vanished in thin air.

And, against the backdrop of the new swarm of cases in India and the shelter-in-place in Canada, it seems unreal that we are demasking in the US.

Those who won’t unmask

Several people I know, serious maskers, won’t take off their masks despite the CDC advisory, even though the risk of contracting COVID is 5% or less, and the risk of dying even less (similar to those vaccinated for flu, I believe). They cite not trusting unmasked persons even though they’re immune because of the vaccine. Ironically, they’re rejecting information from the same government organization they touted previously.

The truth is, fear is stronger than rationality. The Right’s fear of losing liberty and the Left’s fear of taking off their mask are cousins. I hate to say this, because I’m a Social Democrat and tend to align with the left end of the political spectrum, but I see similarity. I also see identity expressed by the choice to wear a mask or not pre-lifting of restrictions. I see differences, too — the anti-maskers tend to operate in an individualistic form and the mask proponents in a more collectivistic vein, as they express concern for unmasked people as part of their rationale. But I see the similarities.

My choice

I will walk into the café today without a mask. I might get stares from my friends who are still masked, but I have to put my faith in the guidance from the CDC, as it’s more grounded in science than anything I could come up with. I will keep a mask in my belt pouch for crowded spaces or for doctors’ offices. I will mask again if the threat level rises, such as a new variant.

But I will choose science over fear.

Struggling with Technology (again?)

I used to be good at technology

I used to be good at technology. Honestly, I used to be the person who introduced new technology to my colleagues, who stared at their mouse as if it would yield answers on its own. The irony is that it would have yielded those answers if they only used it to search menus and drag objects.

It’s not my fault

I find myself worse at technology than I used to be, and I refuse to say it’s my fault, because I’ve been using the same techniques to teach myself new software. It’s not working. I have decided it’s not me, but the software available to me.

It was inevitable that the increasing complexity of programs and apps would result in some inscrutability. My first experience on a computer was a DOS machine. The entire WordPerfect program sat on a 8″ floppy disk (1.2 MB storage) and I had room to store my homeworks. Now we download megabites of code, invisible to us, and store programs on our terabyte hard drives, and our documents in the cloud.

Increasing complexity

Why has the size of programs and apps increased so greatly? Because progress demands programs be increasingly complex, doing more things, and doing them beautifully. I demand this myself; it’s always a bonus to me when I can type myself rather than using a secretary; format my own books; develop my own videos. Some of these programs are not made by big companies, as is evidenced by the Apple, Android, and Microsoft Stores.

The consequences

The consequences of increasingly useful and complex programs and apps are threefold:

Increasing margin for mistakes
Increasing difficulty in making logical and intuitive interfaces.
Information overload

I’m running into these, but usually the latter two. I do, however, occasionally run into buttons that don’t work, captions that float over other essential functions, and other errors. (WordPress, why do I have to click twice on “Select” to get into the photo archives like Pexels?)

Logical and intuitive interfaces — menus and buttons where the function pops up when you scroll over it; context-sensitive menus. Learning Photoshop has been challenging due to its many, many menus where menu options are not always intuitive. In these cases, a robust help menu helps, especially for those of us new to the program and not so new to the world. WordPress, on the other hand, has context-sensitive menus, although it took me a bit to figure out which menu to seek — is it the plus sign or the menu on the right?

The last is information overload. This is where you see so much on the screen that you can’t focus. Photoshop again is a good example of this. Numerous menus with numerous options — don’t get me wrong; I’d rather that than a plethora of programs that are less complicated.

I don’t want to throw away functionality, especially as I am a DIY person. Maybe better help and more consumer testing and some idea of the language used on Photoshop.

But I have a question for you:

Do you know any good books on Photoshop? On WordPress? Please let me know!

Mornings with my Husband

Every morning

Every morning, my husband and I get up at 5 (me willingly, him reluctantly) so we can spend time with each other (and the cats) before we go to work. Richard makes the coffee and gets us cereal for breakfast while I type up the morning blog. The cats — the only one I see now is the blue (grey) tabby and white Me-Me curled up against a box of LaCroix.

I sit on the loveseat where my station for writing is set; Richard sits on the couch. We usually play music, with me in control, which means iTunes and one of their ‘Essentials’ series. Today is an exception; we’re playing the Chess soundtrack because I’m been hearing too much ABBA on Oldies Internet Radio. (Link there –the B’s in ABBA helped write the Chess soundtrack). Richard and I talk about the music because I have strong opinions — and sometimes so does he.

He finds me pictures of cute cats and goats and sends them to me, and delivers my daily dose of chocolate. His love language is acts of service. Mine is verbal communication and sense of humor. It’s a great way to spend coffee

These days of summer

These days when I have all day to do things relative to my writing, it seems that Richard goes off to work way early. I could keep him here all day if it weren’t for the fact that we are both earners. Today he goes in the next 20 minutes, and there will be less laughter and less brightness to the day.

As a love story

As a love story, Richard and I are very mellow. Maybe this is fitting with our ages, or maybe we’re just mellow people. We’re definitely not the love story written in romance novels (are there even middle-aged love stories?)

I wouldn’t trade our love story for anything.

Question for you

Would you read a mellow love story if it had some realistic tension in it?

A World Too Big

My life on digital media two years ago

I can be found on Facebook, which to me feels like my small town, only populated with nerds like me. And on Instagram, which feels like going to a petting zoo, since I follow mainly celebrity cats. Those, for the longest time, were my only social media.

But then, because I’m a writer who needs to promote books (well, book anyway), I’ve been encouraged to seek out other media.

And now

Maybe it’s because I’m a Boomer, or perhaps it’s because I grew up in a small town, but the digital world suddenly seems too big to me. I have almost 5000 followers on Twitter (writers’ Twitter is very generous with its likes), and that was the size of the town I grew up in.

And now I’ve been advised to go on Tik Tok. Tik Tok seems like a really crowded circus sideshow in which I’m one of the performers but I can’t find my booth and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m overwhelmed, and wonder what one would do with 180k followers if one could get them.

So I’ve joined Tik Tok anyhow

I joined Tik Tok yesterday and will be putting up my first video today. I don’t know that I’ll be exciting — I’m a nerd who likes coffee and cats and writes occasional novels. I have four friends on Tik Tok. I have followed three internet famous cats. I have ordered a light ring. I remembered where I put my makeup so I look good (as good as I can) on camera.

We shall see.

Here’s a question:

Are any of you on Tik Tok? My username is @lleachie. Drop me a line!

Thinking About the Fear of Failure

Sorry, I’m running a bit late today

It’s been a busy morning. I’ve prepped four signed copies of The Kringle Conspiracy for the mail today — I have friends that want my signature. It took extra coffee to get me on task today, because I had nightmares about getting the wrong signed book in the right envelope. I swore, with that, I would complete the task first thing before I psyched myself out. Task completed; now to mail them.

Which brings me to my topic

How is it we let fear of failure get in the way of our dreams? It’s common enough that Harvard Business Review has an article on how to overcome fear of failure. So do others, but I like HBR’s version because it fits with my world view. (wise words or confirmation bias? You decide.)

Here’s their list with my musings:

Refine failure. This fits in with the SMART model of goal-setting. I covered the other day — goals should be attainable. I set a goal of “getting traditionally published”, and given the market, that might have been aiming too high for a first-time author. I still have that goal, but I set other goals like “self-publish one book”, and I feel satisfied with self-publishing The Kringle Conspiracy and its sequel coming out in November, Kringle in the Night.
Set approach rather than avoidance goals. This is the difference between “avoiding rejection” and “get published”. Or, for another dichotomy, “losing weight” vs “making healthy habits. If I accentuate failure, I start the journey to success cranky and hopeless.
Make a “fear list“. This is one I hadn’t heard of, and I’m going to start doing it. The technique is: 1) write what you’re afraid of, 2) write what you’ll do to keep it from happening; 3) write down what you’ll do if it happens. I’m thinking about how I might use this in my life.
Focus on learning. This one I love the most — because I believe my purpose in life is to always be learning. Those messy first drafts became polished novels with the help of experience. I managed to stumble through self-publishing. I’ve gotten tons of rejections, but it’s okay because I’ve learned. Success or failure, we will hopefully always learn.

The question

Drop me a line — how do you deal with favor? And which of these pieces of advice do you think will work in your life?

Inertia

My summer is about to begin

The only thing standing between me and summer is one final due today at noon. All I have to do is grade it, turn the grades in, and I am done with this school year.

The trouble with free time

What do I have planned? Not enough. I have sixteen interns to supervise over the summer, and I have a lot of time to do things. But the problem with a lot of time to do things is that it’s too easy to do nothing. The old saying is that work expands to fill the time. My experience is the opposite: Nothing expands to fill the time. I watch reruns on my computer, surf for hours, and engage in ‘horizontal snoring meditation’ (i.e. naps).

The best use of my time

This is a question I’m going to keep asking myself over the summer — “Is this the best use of my time”? This question, if I’m being honest with myself, is the best motivator. Sometimes horizontal snoring meditation is the best use of my time; other times, it’s a waste. Many times, writing or the like will be the best use of my time. But this should keep me from too much dawdling.

Setting goals

I need to set some goals for the summer. Goals should be SMART. Which means:

Specific
Measurable
Action Oriented
Relevant
Time-bound

Goals help motivation by giving focus and standards and deadlines. I have not made my goals SMART yet, but here’s the beginning:

I will work on writing/plotting at least 2 hours a day
I will finish a short story or poem once a week

These may be overly ambitious, but I need to push myself or else I will get sucked into the void.

My work cut out for me

If I can stick with the goals (and if they’re realistic) I should have a fruitful summer. We shall see.

Hope and the Writer

Sometimes I feel like Sisyphus

Getting (traditionally) published seems like an endless bout of submit, rejection, revise, repeat. Like Sisyphus with that rock he kept pushing up that hill. I admit that, when I get a rejection, I feel like that boulder has rumbled over me. But then, after a few minutes mourning, I appreciate the opportunity to try again.

Then hope sets in

I can’t stay sad for too long when there are revisions that can be made (to my document or to my query materials), submissions to make, and new possibilities that I have to check out. What pushes me forward is hope — hope that I have a better product, that someone sees promise in it, and that I will finally get the chance to show my stories to other people.

Hope carries me

Hope carries me past the rejections, past the self-flagellation, past the desire to give up. With hope, each round of submissions is new as I try something else. Perhaps I will give up and self-publish, but self-publishing doesn’t push me toward excellence as much as trying to get traditionally published does. Hope is a heady sensation, like the sunlight on a June day, whispering “Maybe this time … “

P.S. for May 2, 2021

I tried to do nothing

Today I was supposed to do nothing. Instead, I revised two query cover letters and submitted two novels and two stories on Submittable.

Then I lazed around

So it’s okay; I got some rest.

Lazy Sunday

I can’t reach escape velocity

My mind is simultaneously antsy and lazy — I should be DOING something! I have an exam to grade! I could be creating advertising materials for my book! I should be — my brain can’t focus. I feel like laying in my bed all day watching House episodes on my phone.

The tired part — end of the school year

I understand the tired part — I just got off a full semester without any Spring Break, after a year of severely restricted activity due to COVID. I made it without more than one or two sick or mental health days all year (due to the ability to teach over Zoom). With finals all that are left, I find myself slumping my shoulders and relaxing.

The antsy part — in need of flow

It occurs to me that the antsy part is the craving for flow. Flow is a psychological concept that refers to the state of being completely captivated in an activity that uses your abilities at an optimal level. Writing is a flow activity for me, as is editing. Designing (with my limited abilities) is another. Most of my flow activities happen at a computer and fit in with my writing, which is probably why I write.

No challenge is optimal when I’m just coming off a brain-numbing school year. I’ve been challenged out. I’m still dealing with three exams to grade this week and unhappy students.

Antsy part 2 — in search of accomplishment

Another part of my always needing to do something is the feeling of satisfaction I get from accomplishment. I delight in making things happen. I love finishing a chapter, a novel, a cover letter. I get motivated by the finished product as well as the process (the flow). Again, my mind is having none of that.

How to take care of myself

This is a time where perhaps doing nothing (or next to nothing) would be the best thing to do. It’s hard for me to do, because I’m always trying to wrap myself in flow activities and completing projects when I’m not working. Although I’m addicted to flow and accomplishment, maybe I could use something more relaxing but inspiring like daydreaming or meditating. Or maybe I should just read reruns of House and see if I can diagnose those disorders.

When Being Good is Better than Being Great

My annual evaluation

I had my annual evaluation meeting yesterday, and I did good. I met expectations in all categories, and I was very happy. I was happy because I managed this two years in a row. I was happy because it seemed like I was settling into a new normal that was, in fact, satisfactory.

My former messy life

For anyone who has not been following me, I have bipolar II disorder. I wasn’t diagnosed until 9 years ago at age 48. The problem that brought me to the psychiatrist was a frightening lack of sleep — at least a month at 2 hours of sleep a night. I dragged myself through days yet had racing thoughts, half-finished projects, and broken promises. And a feel like I was about to accomplish something great.

This is what hypomania looks like, at least in me. Overcommitment, sleep disturbances, slight grandiosity — but a brilliant ability to shine in those things I finished. I accomplished three things for each thing I abandoned.

Until I was depressed, and then I barely managed things. I would slump into deep depressions, barely making it to classes to teach.. My course evaluations would go down just as they went up during mania. During the last depression before the big crash, which I experienced near-simultaneously with the high, I would write these long, self-flagellating notes on Facebook, worrying everyone I knew.

After the crash

The inevitable crash sobered me. I spent a week in the behavioral health unit getting stabilized on my meds and walking off the most hideous side effect I’ve ever encountered (see akathisia). This is when I realized that I couldn’t go on as I had, and that I had to stick with the meds and find a new normal.

Learning to live with the new normal, however, was difficult for a person who had lived with effortless energy for a good part of her life. On meds, I didn’t feel the exhilaration of new projects that would buoy me up, so my productivity compared to my manic moments. My self-esteem went down, and I had trouble adjusting to this “new me” who didn’t get kudos for accomplishment.

Good enough

For a while, I didn’t do enough. Because I would get seasonal depression with a certain mix of meds, my fall evaluations would be down, and I didn’t do research because I had fallen out of the habit while my free-wheeling moods had taken over me before my diagnosis. Then, finally, my new department chair marked me as “not meeting expectations” in my annual report.

This shocked me. Other than gym class, I had never been marked unsatisfactory at any point in my career. I had had the fall/spring semester discrepancies, I had quit doing research, but I had never had an unsatisfactory mark in course evals. I panicked.

And then I set some things in place, knowing that I could no longer coast nor could I accomplish the wild amount of work effortlessly as I had in the past. I explained my bipolar disorder to my boss (I am protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act as long as I do the expected amount of work. I explained to him that the course evals might continue to be cyclical but that I would work on concerns. And I informed him that I would do enough work to get satisfactory scores, but would not be going for full professorship.

I have been working toward improving course evaluations and research. Some years have been better than others because I still seem to get seasonal depression. But for the past two years I have done good enough, and that’s the best outcome.

How about you?

What does a job well done look like to you? Feel free to answer in the comments.