Six Words That Make Me Nervous

Daily writing prompt
What makes you nervous?

There are six words that someone can say that make me so nervous, I have to work not to panic. They’re not uncommon words either. All it takes is the phrase “I need to talk to you.” It doesn’t matter if it’s my boss, my husband, or a friend — the phrase makes me spiral.

In my mind, nothing good comes from that phrase. It speaks of being called into the office and reprimanded, or worse. My heart rate goes up, my stomach churns, and my mind searches for what I may have done wrong.

Photo by Rene Terp on Pexels.com

It’s even worse when someone says that to me and they can’t talk to me until the next day. I spend that entire day in near-panic mode. I can lose whole days to the nervousness.

Usually, however, the actual message is not nearly as nerve-wracking as the wait. It’s usually about something like taking on an extra class for the semester or leaving the bath mat on the floor. Nothing worth two days of terror. My mind, however, refuses to believe that the next time someone says “I need to talk to you.”

I advise anyone who says “I need to talk to you” to give me a synopsis of what we’re talking about so I can prepare for the meeting. But really, it’s so I don’t lose my mind worrying.

A Discouraging Moment TM

I’m not sure I have another book in me anymore.

Photo by Lum3n on Pexels.com

This is probably me having a Discouraging Moment TM but I’m not feeling that obsession to write. I have three partial novels and one novella, all of which have stalled.

The latest document — I know what’s wrong with it but not how to fix it. I sit and think about how to introduce what it needs and my brain dissolves into mush. I feel like my brain cells are devoted to work and my future garden, the seedlings in the basement and the research proposals on the computer.

I might take some time this morning to talk with my husband and see what I come up with. Then again, I might grade papers. That’s what writing has been lately.

Using Social Media

Daily writing prompt
How do you use social media?

There are several types of social media I use to try to drive readers toward my books. This, my blog, is one of the primary ones. It doesn’t seem to succeed very well. I don’t plug my books very often on my blog (Look here if you’re interested) so that might explain my lack of success.

I also promote my books through Loomly, a social media manager. With Loomly, I can schedule blurbs in Threads, Facebook Pages, and Instagram at the same time. I plug my books much more often on Loomly. This also doesn’t seem to succeed very well.

I don’t do a great job at plugging my books. Maybe it’s because my books are one in a million — literally. Just one in a market of indie books that grows exponentially by the year. I think people are innundated with ads for indie books, and there’s no way to know whether they’re good or not. I can’t seem to make mine stand out. I’m not sure anyone can.

It’s not so bad. I think I do a good job writing this blog, which is a reward in its own right. I don’t have too many readers, but they’re increasing. Thank you for reading.

My Mind is Cluttered

Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

My mind is cluttered with memories. I feel overwhelmed with the weight of them sometimes. I remember life before computers, the occasional soda fountain, the years of new wave music, times sitting on the Quad at the University of Illinois, my telephone number growing up, the first time someone gave me flowers.

My mind is like an attic, with boxes sitting in dusty corners, and sometimes something reminds me of a box that is up there. I rummage through the box and find the memory and a lot of other things that lived in the box with the memory. So I remember the Drovers’ concert in the student union, sitting with some friends in a little-used stairwell in the same student union, catching the bus outside the Union, my broken leg that necessitated lots of bus usage in grad school … I’m there exploring a moment of time with a cloud of memories and my feelings at the time.

At age 61, there are a lot of boxes in that attic, Some have been placed more recently than others, and those have less emotional resonance because those boxes are newer. The old boxes, the ones from my childhood and college, are the more poignant to go through. I was younger then, the world has changed from those days, and I can’t bring them back. But I can remember them.

Daily writing prompt
Describe something you learned in high school.

When I was in high school, I wasn’t very popular. It had gotten better from the constant harassment I had gotten in previous grades, but I was not the student with a boyfriend ever.

It was my junior year, and of course when prom came around, I didn’t have a date. In physics class, the girls who had dates for prom were chattering non-stop about who they were going with. I knew the purpose was to show off their popularity, but it still brought me down.

Our teacher for physics was Mr. Miller, and he talked about more than physics in his class. He would impart nuggets of wisdom, calling them “Miller’s Unsubstantiated Opinion”. He had one for the girls in the class, which sobered them up. “Do you think you’re going to marry your prom date? Do you think you’re going to remember who you went to prom with in three years? Probably not. You’ll have gone on with your lives, gone to college. This might seem a big thing now, but it won’t be in a few years.

I don’t know if the popular girls had learned anything from that, but I did. My high school years, it turned out, were not going to be the be-all and end-all of my existence, the cornerstone of my memories. I could see how quickly the memory would fade. And from that moment on, the girls’ chatter didn’t bother me. This was just a moment in time, after all.

Restaurants I Would Try Again, and Some I Can’t

Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite restaurant?

My favorite restaurant hasn’t existed for years. A restaurant that was simultaneously fancy and playful, quirky and upscale, Bluestem in KC was a place I had only gone to once, but wish I had gone to at least another time. By the time I had an opportunity to go again, it had closed.

I remember an amuse-bouche (a nibble of curiosity), a wonderful cheese tray, and a comforting atmosphere. I felt like I didn’t have to be someone else to enjoy the place, I didn’t have to play dress-up in a black dress or a red suit, and I could enjoy imaginative and upscale food without impersonating someone sophisticated. I appreciate great food, but not so much pretension.

Another favorite restaurant which is still open would be Waldo Thai, again in Kansas City. They do Thai and Thai fusion food. Their dishes are authentic and show the best of Thai food: the melodious use of spices and citrus, rich coconut milk and sweet soy; all the things I remember from cooking at a Thai cafeteria in the late 80s. Much more sophisticated, though. I would like to work my way through their drink list.

A restaurant doesn’t have to be fancy to capture my fancy. I enjoy going to Swagat north of KC, which is a very solid Indian restaurant with an excellent buffet. I especially love their goat curry, although that is always served bone-in, so it takes some care to eat. If it were closer, I would try to eat there weekly. There’s also Raku in my town, where I go for their relatively non-brothy ramen, which has become one of my favorites.

I am always looking for new favorites. If I were to visit you, what restaurant would you recommend?

No to Dallas

Daily writing prompt
What place in the world do you never want to visit? Why?

The place in the world I never want to visit is Dallas, TX. From everything I’ve heard, it’s big, excessive, and ugly. And rich. With cowboy culture, which does nothing for me.

Photo by Steve on Pexels.com

The entire state is offputting to me — “Everything’s bigger in Texas? Never mind.” I don’t like rugged individualism, bravado, or bluster. San Antonio was nice, however; I especially liked the Riverwalk. I’ve been to Houston, which seemed generic with a lot of medical facilities.

I enjoy visiting places with lots of coffeehouses, eclectic people, great ethnic restaurants, an arts scene, a lot of diversity, a chill attitude. Dallas at least has the arts scene, and Tex-Mex restaurants (I’m not motivated by Tex-Mex). But it’s not enough.

Finally, there’s the politics. Texas is as deep red, Trump-loving as a state could get. I can’t deal with that these days, with Trump tearing down the country out of his usual sense of spite.

I don’t see myself visiting Dallas anytime soon.

Retired, Published, and a Cat

Daily writing prompt
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

When someone asks me what I want to be, my flip answer is “retired, published, and a cat.” I have already been published, if self-publishing counts. Realistically, I will never be a cat, although a lifetime lounging around and not paying the mortgage appeals to me. That leaves retirement.

I should be retired by 10 years from now. I’m 61, and I could retire now if I wanted. I could have retired two years ago, but I wasn’t ready. I plan to retire at 67, so by 10 years from now, I should be retired.

What will retirement look like for me? Probably writing and gardening, like life looks now, only without the classes, meetings, and internship visits. A lot calmer. I look forward to time that is mine.

Coffeehouse Thoughts

I’m at the Broadway Cafe in Kansas City, hoping my seedlings upstate are doing well. I’m drinking a latte and absorbing a real coffee house ambiance, which I have needed for a while.

Not that I dislike my local Starbucks, because it fills in for the real coffeehouses we’ve had in town, and is better than the current place that serves coffee downtown, which is a defeated pile of go-cups. But it’s not a real coffeehouse experience because of its corporate nature.

Coffeehouse thoughts: It’s about three weeks till the end of the semester, for which I am really thankful. Summer will have interns, but that means a much more flexible schedule with some rest. That sounds good to me.

I feel exceptionally calm right now, like I will make it to the end of the school year without the disturbances of the past, without unfinished projects with looming deadlines. It feels good not being manic or depressed or both.

Writing is going slow; I haven’t quite found the rhythm of the story yet. It hasn’t developed into enough of a story. I need to get there and not run away from another novel.

I need more coffee. I could fall asleep in my latte right now.

Ice Skating

Daily writing prompt
What Olympic sports do you enjoy watching the most?

I’ve always liked to watch ice skating. It has rhythm and flow and moves that thrill. This year, however, I have discovered Ilia Malinin, the world champion at the moment (although not Olympian), and he’s a world apart.

Never mind the quadruples that only he can do. Those are nice. But what about that backflip? That looks like a great way to kill oneself, but he nails it every time. I don’t know how he does it and makes it look easy. Not a single error that I could see.

I’ve watched his short routine six times so far. I’m obsessed. It makes me want to watch more ice skating, which I realize I haven’t done in a while.