No Motivation (again?)

I have written nothing substantial for almost three weeks. I am panicking.

Writing is my flow activity, yet I don’t feel like writing. I have no ideas possessing me; the item I was writing seems to have bogged down. I have briefly thought of putting the writing down, doubting my ability to write. Standing at a crossroads, I ponder the path I will take (and cringe at this sentence.)

I need to get motivated. I need something to write, something that captures my imagination, which seems to have gone on strike. Not necessarily to get another novel written; I have too many novels already. But just to write something.

I’ve gone through this before, haven’t I?

Day 17 Lenten Meditation: Doubt

I thought Doubting Thomas was the most reasonable person in the Bible. I don’t know if I believe the story went as written; so many hands have messed the Bible up. I guess I’m like Thomas.

He had very understandable questions in the aftermath of Jesus’ resurrection. It was a violation of natural rules, observed for millennia, and he pointed this out. In a more educated time, he could have gone to college and become an academic. He had the right to question, and in that, he represents all of us.

We live with doubt, and for good reason. Because of doubt, we avoid the false cures of snake oil salesmen and the too-good-to-be-true promises of scammers. Doubt is a potent defense mechanism.

There is, however, a point where doubt is counter-productive. What if good research tells you that the doubt is unfounded? What if there’s more true benefit than risk? What if doubt is keeping you from a richer human experience?

We need doubt. We need to know when to let go of doubt.

Belief and Doubt

I sent the first three chapters of Apocalypse off to Tom Doherty Associates (TOR) yesterday. I have several story submissions out and the manuscript for Prodigies at DAW. I have several queries on Apocalypse out to agents.

And I am filled with doubt.

I believe I’m a good writer, or else I wouldn’t push myself to improve, and I wouldn’t try to get published. I just feel doubt every time I submit. But I keep submitting anyhow.

Doubt is just a feeling. It is not reality. Some might point out that getting all the rejections I’ve gotten is a reality and that I should just give up. But I believe the process is subjective and that, sooner or later, my work will speak to someone.

My belief and doubt coexist; I choose to act upon my belief.

The Concept of Leadings

A Facebook memory today reminded me that three years ago, I had not yet found a publisher or an agent. Three years later, I have not found a publisher or an agent. (That writing device you just saw deployed is called repetition, and emphasizes the point made).

I’m not going to whine here, because that just puts me in a bad mood. I don’t want to be in a bad mood. I will, however, take an opportunity to talk about my current state, which is doubt. Today, my doubt has nothing to do with my assessment of my talent and everything to do with 1) my books are not similar to previous bestsellers; 2) the market is overwhelmed as the result of mass-interest writing movements like Nanowrimo; 3) the industry looks more at what will sell than the message or even the skill of the writer, just as female pop singers have to have a certain “look”; 4) so many people write; few get published.

When I started writing, I hadn’t thought about publishing until partway through my first book when I realized that the story unfolding had themes that I thought needed to be released and read. Some of the themes were subversive (Gaia as the World-Soul) and some universal (the nature of friendship); some of the plot lines were subversive (the May-December relationship where the woman is older) and some not too unusual (the bad guys trying to burn down a food forest that two of the protagonists just planted). I just had this feeling — call it a leading — that I needed to write and to be heard.

A leading, according to the Religious Society of Friends, is a tug on the heart, a whisper from God, a feeling that This Is What I’m Supposed To Do, even if I don’t know the end result. I’m a member of the Religious Society of Friends, or what others call a Quaker. We try to keep our lives simple so that we can carve out a quiet place for our soul to hear what God wants from us. (Yes, I know, how weird.)

I have been writing because I sincerely believe that I have a leading to write. The fact that I always find a new dream snippet to write from helps me believe this. I don’t have a leading to write full-time, because I’m pretty sure God wants me to eat.

But if I have a leading to write, and nobody publishes me (I will not self-publish, because nobody will read me that way either) then what’s my leading about? Is it really there? Is it time to let go of this leading? I don’t hear that still small voice advising me right now.

Thus, I doubt.