Hopeful Thinking

I have discussed writing as a flow activity often enough that I’ve made the case that writing for the sake of writing is a worthy pursuit. Even so, I like to get recognition for my writing. I want to know that I am an interesting writer and have some skill.

Right now, in society, wanting external validation is a weakness. We call it “attention-seeking”^* and that’s considered bad. However, external validation shapes our self-esteem, according to sociometer theory. When we don’t get it, we shape our behavior in order to get it.

In some ways, I get the validation I need. My friends know to ask me how the writing is going. That’s appropriate and my sociometer registers positive.

What I wish I had, though, is the readers. This is something most indie authors struggle with. There are so many writers out there, and so many books, and some people use traditional publishing as their judge how worthy a book is to read. What traditional publishing signals, in reality, is how well the idea sells. There are good writers in independent publishing. But they’re hard to find, and there’s a catch-22 that dogs indie writers: People read books that are read by others.

How to get readers? I wish I knew. I advertise mine on Facebook and Threads and Instagram. But the ads are not tempting readers to read, and I don’t know what to do about that. It’s hard sometimes, but I persist in hopeful thinking that I will get a following someday.

^*Not all attention-seeking is good, and I can explain this in terms of sociometer theory. The bad form of attention-seeking is that which violates one of the social norms of a group, and that is attention-hogging. We don’t approve of one person getting all the attention, but are often too polite to signal that directly. Wanting positive attention in and of itself is not bad, however; it’s something we’re programmed to do.

About External Validation

“Where’s my cookies?”

For most of my life, I have self-medicated by external validation. When I’ve been in bad moods (and for someone with bipolar, those bad moods were long and intense), I would say, “I’ve been good, God. Where’s my cookies?” Just as when I was a child, a cookie would shut me up, but I exchanged chocolate ship to external validation.

Why external validation? I grew up in a household where I wasn’t recognized much, probably because I was so accomplished for a child and they didn’t want my sister to feel bad. This perhaps went too far, to the point where if I accomplished something, my mother would tell me that my sister was better at it. On the other hand, at school, I got a lot of recognition and validation, from my poem the third-grade teacher posted on the classroom door to becoming a National Merit Scholar my senior year.

But it seemed like I hit a peak my senior year of high school. Certainly, I went to a Big 10 university and stayed in until I got a Ph.D., but I seldom got external validation from high school on. Unfortunately I was addicted it, as if it were the sugar bomb cookie I wanted when I was younger.

Older and mostly wiser

Fast forward to a happily medicated 57 years old. I’ve gotten into the mindset that God does not award external validation, nor does She present anti-depressant happy events to me. Furthermore, I have developed the (possibly cynical) viewpoint that If one has the power to grant external validation, they grant it to someone who exemplifies their values; in other words, someone like themselves. For organizations, this is doubly so.

I no longer shine; I manage like everyone else. My passions, including writing, do not give me any great external rewards. And, although I know rationally that I don’t need external validation, I still do. I need it as motivation, as the guiding light that keeps me going on a venture.

Writing without cookies

I have not been getting cookies when it comes to writing. I haven’t gotten many sales, or much recognition, or other external measures to validate my choice to write. In other words, I don’t shine; I manage.

I need to find a way to motivate myself to write without cookies. Internal validation would be ideal; yet I struggle. Perhaps because I’ve already met my Big Audacious Goal of getting a book, in writing, in paperback form. I don’t have a Bigger Audacious Goal except for traditional publication, which — get this — requires external validation.

So I need some internal validation. I need to have a specific goal and meet it. And for me, that needs to be a Big Audacious Goal.

Any ideas?

Enough

No signs of outward success will be enough. I think every writer falls into it:

We want an agent
Then we want a publisher
Then we wish we’d gotten a better publisher
People who self-publish wish they’d gone traditional
People published with traditional publishers wish they’d sold more copies

On the other hand, it’s human nature to want to improve, and how can we tell we’ve improved? By external validation. We recognize that “I think it’s great” has its limitations as proof of success. We want experts to say we’ve improved.

I know I’m in this “not good enough” cycle. I have gotten compliments on my writing. I got runner-up in one publisher’s writing contest and first place in a small journal’s essay contest. And that’s within less than two months of sending my short stuff out. I’ve gotten many more rejections, and for once I’m not counting the rejections, so that’s progress. But I’m starting to belittle what I’ve gotten as “not enough”.

I think the key is to not belittle those successes as “not enough”, but to push forward. And this includes doing anything I can do to get better. Maybe I could count getting through dev edits, peer critiques, and beta readers as success.

PS: I just discovered how to do emojis on 😁😂💖Windows!

Short post — Moulage and External Validation

I may not be writing as much this week, because this is my big week for performing moulage. If I haven’t mentioned it, moulage is casualty simulation for emergency workers. This week I do two events — a small one this morning where I help out with the high school’s annual docudrama where they hammer home the consequences of drinking/texting while driving. Richard and I will moulage seven high schoolers.

This Friday-Sunday is the big event, Missouri Hope. The biggest of the Hope exercises held by Consortium for Humanitarian Service and Education, we will moulage about 200 people by the time we’re done. I will have a bigger crew, perhaps 8 per day, and I will provide hands-on training while we create victims — all simulated injuries of course — of a major tornado so that emergency personnel and students can use their skills in a realistic scenario.

I have developed a reputation for this among the CHSE exercises, which makes me happy. I know I can do better, and I always try to do better. In that way, it’s like writing, but I feel more secure about it because I have external validation. And external validation is one of the biggest motivators there is.

My colleagues call me the Queen of Gore. What better external validation is that?