Courting Luck

The Day I Gave Away my Luck

I used to be a lucky person — you know, the person who wins random (small contests, not the lottery) and could be in the right place in the right time. Not that I never had setbacks or rejections, but that occasionally something delightfully unexpected would happen.

For the past few years, I feel like all my luck has gone, especially in the area of writing. Getting published is, to some extent, a matter of luck — having the right materials in the right place in the right time. This has so far, not happened to me. And I think it’s because I gave away my luck.

I did it for the purest of reasons, or the most obsessive of reasons. I was trying to be a good Christian and sacrifice myself for the good of others. There are ways of doing this that are helpful for the world, but I didn’t choose one of those. I instead decided I was unworthy of luck, given my privileged status, and so I gave up my luck. I said, “God, I don’t deserve my luck, please take it away from me.”

I brainwashed myself into believing that I didn’t deserve luck, and that other people deserved to have my luck. I believed that luck was a scarce commodity.

Photo by Miguel u00c1. Padriu00f1u00e1n on Pexels.com

A Fanciful and Superstitious — and Conflicted Person

Writing this down in pixels, it all sounds very stupid, I admit. I am, however, a fanciful and superstitious person. I don’t believe in The Secret (a book about the “law of attraction”) because it’s very materialistic and I don’t believe the universe could or should shower that type of abundance on individuals.

I do believe, however, that my negative attitude may keep me from seeing the good side of things and might blind me — ok, fine, I believe that giving up my luck is refusing to see what the divine could be calling me to find. As I said, I’m hopelessly superstitious. I honestly believe that I had luck, I rejected luck, and I am now less lucky than I used to be. Or at least, I believe myself less lucky than I used to be. I don’t know what I believe.

I am a fanciful and superstitious and rational and really conflicted person right now.

A Ritual Would Be Nice Right Now

I am not a witch or a Wiccan or any sort of pagan, but I still see the value of ritual. How do I divorce ritual from religion? The same way millions of people across the world do. People who wear lucky socks are performing a ritual. Traditions are ritual. Going out to a prime rib dinner the night the COVID vaccination takes hold is a ritual (one I did the other night). So what do I have to lose?

Luck, if one thinks about it, is a type of optimism. It’s an optimism that the unexpected good thing can happen, that one does not have to exert infinite effort for something good to happen. Not like effort isn’t necessary, but that there comes a point where effort doesn’t work any longer, and that’s a great place for luck to intervene.

A luck ritual, in my opinion, would:

  • Reattach me to my optimism that good things can happen without my control
  • Tell me it’s okay to have good things happen to me
  • Emphasize that optimism is self-care

What Does This Ritual Look Like?

Again, this is a psychological ritual (like lucky socks and Christmas china) rather than a pagan ritual, so I’m not calling up any spirits as much as I’m trying to make a break with old thought patterns. What I plan to do is:

  • Take a bath in milk and honey bubble bath
  • Write some journaling on luck using my favorite fountain pen
  • Eat some bread with butter and honey (the milk and honey symbolism is deliberate symbolism)
  • Find one of my four-leaf clovers in a book (or better, find one in the yard. We have some.)

What Do I Expect This to Do?

What I expect is that this will help me stop declaring myself unlucky, I will likely suffer less from griping about my bad luck this way. That itself would be an improvement. I hope that my better attitude will help me to see opportunities and make me resilient to adversity. I will believe that I am deserving of good things. And maybe, just maybe, I will be (or believe I am) luckier.

The Longest School Year Ever

Why has this been the longest school year?

A full year with COVID. Teaching live and on Zoom simultaneously. Being constrained in teaching because I’m tethered to a camera. Students going on quarantine or isolation. Disinfecting all surfaces in the classroom. No Spring Break. Distance. Just so much distance. Constant stress — Am I the next victim? Is my husband? Will we survive COVID?

What are my summer plans?

Interns and writing. And probably some research setup. Hopefully a writing retreat or two. It’s going to be one of the more relaxing summers I’ve had because I won’t be taking a summer class toward my certificate in disaster mental health. I may not know what to do with all my free time. I have a short story collection to finish (not knowing how many more episodes to write) and I may play more with short story ideas. I have too many novels sitting in my lap to write another one for a while. (Gaia’s Hands, Apocalypse, Reclaiming the Balance, Whose Hearts are Mountains, Prodigies, The Kringle Conspiracy, and Kringle in the Night — I guess that’s 7.) Maybe try to get more published.

Photo by Maria Orlova on Pexels.com

What do you think I should do this summer?

I need some ideas — weird or no — of what I should be doing this summer. Please make suggestions in comments!

Spring Came Back

Yesterday, I woke up to a winter wonderland. In April.

As I walked out my door to head toward work, I faced wet, sloppy snow, clumped on trees, melting off sidewalks, covering the grass. Not the sort of thing you want to see when the daffodils and apple blossoms are out.

Missourians tend to face spring snowstorms with a combination of outrage and pride — “Nobody has shitty weather quite like ours!” Nebraskans and Arkansans say the same thing, but they’re wrong — Missouri bas bragging rights to fickle weather.

I did not worry about the snow. Snows in April are temporary, and the spring flowers shake off the snow and shine just as brightly when it melts. A spring snowstorm is, like so many setbacks, temporary.

April snowstorm in downtown Maryville

Optimism in the Face of Rejection

Optimism is hard to manage sometimes. I always take risks with optimism that they will improve my future, and for the last six years, they have not panned out. I can’t be specific with the particulars, but let’s say I have put myself forward for a lot of opportunities only to not be chosen.

I’m working on not feeling sorry for myself and seeing this latest failure as room for other opportunities. The people around me with more faith in God would say that God is waiting for the right moment to open up new opportunities. I don’t think God is that hands-on, given how many people in the world there are. I don’t think God reserves this for His (and I deliberately use “his” here) True Believers. And I don’t think a God would hold me back from some of the most excellent opportunities I did not succeed in. So I have to believe that if there are new opportunities that will actually become fruitful, I have not seen them yet. I have to believe in “yet”.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

Or maybe I am taking the wrong opportunities. I have been trying the last six (at least) years to re-invent myself. Ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on medication, I have changed as a person — no elation, no depression, no excitement unless I have a compelling goal, less enthusiastic, more introverted, less charming. I have felt too rooted and unfulfilled in my life, especially 5 years from retirement, and at the same time not manic enough to chuck everything away and move to Thailand.

If I don’t try, I will never get where I want. But I hate trying for something when so much of it is out of my control. And reinventing myself requires the outside world. All I can do, though, is be optimistic. God, if you’re listening, point me toward the right opportunity.

My Favorite Writing Retreats

As we say in this house, I have 50% cattitude. Girlie-Girl , a senior citizen at 13 is sleeping next to me, and Me-Me, another senior at 13, sleeps on the back of the loveseat where I sit. Cats sleep a lot, it turns out, but they don’t sleep soundly. Either one of these little critters will wake up grudgingly.

The loveseat is not only the favorite of the cats, but it’s my favorite. I do all my writing here, because the stereo is here, there’s a window next to me, a Nespresso pot in case I have a coffee emergency. And my husband sits on the couch and I bounce ideas off him.

Is this the perfect place to write? It’s close. I don’t like writing in the office, because it’s really cluttered and small, and there’s a sort of sensory deprivation.

My perfect place to write? In the lobby of a boutique hotel. There’s just enough movement that I feel comfortable writing, yet not enough to disturb me. These are my writing retreats, and here are a few of my favorites:

Starved Rock Lodge’s Great Hall
  • Starved Rock Lodge, Starved Rock State Park, Utica, Illinois. The CCC-built, log construction lodge is the gem of the Midwest, sitting in the middle of the best state park in Illinois. The Great Room, rustic and towering, attracts visitors who have just come in from hiking or just come out from the lodge-inspired restaurant. The chairs are just comfortable enough that sitting in front of the fireplace makes a cozy writing place. The old section of the hotel part of the lodge has, tucked in a corner, old-fashioned writing desks. Book one of the fireplace cabins (if you can) for added ambiance, although they’re too small to comfortably write in. Massages are optional. Highly recommended, especially at Christmas, when it’s beautifully decorated and families come to exchange gifts
  • The Elms Spa and Hotel, Excelsior Springs, Missouri. This has to be my favorite writing retreat. A lobby which evokes the 1930’s, seats by the fireplace, and a spa with a relaxation room and a hot tub/sauna/steam room/hot shower room called the Grotto, this is the place where I not only write, but recuperate. Facials, massages of various types, and hydrotherapy (I might be wrong about the last part) are available. There’s a café on site and an excellent restaurant that plays Sinatra music, as it should. Again, rooms are a little small to write in, but they are light and elegant.
  • Lied Lodge, Nebraska City, Nebraska. Lied Lodge honors the founder of Arbor Day, and is located on Arbor Day Farm. As one might expect, the theme is trees, and the lobby has high ceilings, wooden beams, and world-affirming quotes on the walls. Although the massive fireplace makes the lobby a little crowded, the section behind the fireplace yields comfortable rocking chairs and just enough neighbors in seats to stimulate thought in those who prefer background noise. The restaurant is excellent and inspired. Lied has the most spacious rooms of the three, with more wood beams to provide ambience, but still too small to write in in my opinion.

I haven’t been on retreat for a year, having kept much to myself during COVID. Now that I’m vaccinated, I feel safe enough to schedule a writing retreat at The Elms for just before Memorial Day. Whew! All I need now is something to write.

I need ideas!

I made 50k (50 editing hours) for Camp NaNo yesterday, and I’m almost done editing Reclaiming the Balance, which is in part a parable about how “woke” people can sometimes get caught being prejudicial of a new situation. It’s also a story about a love affair between a sculptor and a beautiful, truly androgynous being who was “born yesterday” as an adult. I guess it’s also a story about how our pasts cripple us in the present.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I feel a need for more ideas. Short stories this time, because I have enough novels, or so I’ve been told. My idea of stories, though, are mystical, mythical, and at times provocative.

I need some good, weird dreams as material to write. That’s how I’ve gotten my best novels. I need something new to write stories about — most of my short stories are about the world around Barn Swallows’ Dance (the fictitious ecocollective that keeps many secrets); one takes place in the Kringle world. I need to write some standalones to submit to journals and other outfits.

What I need is some time to think. I should have some of that this summer.

My Longest Hobby

I have spent my life developing “project obsessions” where I completely immerse in a hobby and then, inexplicably, give it up. I hit a moderate level of proficiency, and then I get stuck, and then I give up. I did this with embroidery, beadwork, gardening (I couldn’t keep up with the weeds and my gardens didn’t look beautiful. I hit the wall.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Writing has been an exception. I have been writing for — six? seven? years, and I don’t seem to be ready to stop. I learn, and I improve, and I don’t seem to hit the wall. I’m not sure why; possibly because it doesn’t take hand-eye coordination (which I’m severely lacking) or lots of money (which I don’t have). Writing for me is at the optimal level of challenge with opportunity to improve.

With writing goals. it’s best to set internal goals. I’ve made the mistake of setting the goal of getting traditionally published which is an external goal I have little control over, especially in the overloaded publishing market. If I set internal goals, I’m much more motivated. Not that I’ve given up being traditionally published; I’ve just decided that I have to set it as a secondary goal.

I guess writing is with me as a part of my life.

Kel and Brother Coyote Save the Universe

I am writing a series of short stories, space opera, which concern an unlikely duo — Brother Coyote, a monk from a restricted class planet who has a talent for opening wormholes, and Kel Beemer, the pilot of her family’s for-hire freighter. They go on a variety of adventures, with a certain amount of tension despite their opposite personalities. You know, space opera.

I have two and a half stories written, and finishing the third,”Kel and Brother Coyote Deal with a Psychic Allergy”, is something I could finish in a good weekend. And then, more. I would like these to be serialized episodes moving toward a bigger whole, as they’re in chronological order with not a huge amount of time between them.

I’m going to have a lot of time this summer, because I can’t take a summer class for the certificate in Disaster Mental Health, so I’ll have plenty of time to write. I’d like to write at least 5 more Kel/Brother Coyote, but that will only get me 10k-12k words. Enough for a chapbook.

Not enough for Kindle Vellum. Their business model will make the first few chapters free, and I won’t have many chapters after that. But I LIKE the business model, much more than WattPad (good luck getting noticed) or Chanillo (subscription only; no promotion). So I might try it this summer, while I’m writing more on the adventures of Kel and Brother Coyote.

Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com

An excerpt of “Kel and Brother Coyote Deal with a Psychic Allergy”:

In a strange room, on a strange planet, Kel lay on a strange bed on the floor, wrapped in tight bandages across her ribs. She glanced up at the glittering suncatcher that her partner, Brother Coyote, called a Sun Mandala. Kel, hopped up on painkillers after a spectacular rescue of the leader of Ridgeway III, dared not look at the wall where the reflection of the mandala shimmered. If she did, she might see something again, and she didn’t want to deal with that just then. The prisms sparkled and made her sleepy. She closed her eyes …


She heard the doorknob open and opened her eyes to Brother Coyote and a floating carry unit. He shut the door and sat down next to Kel, folding his lanky legs up beneath him. The gravitation unit sank gracefully to the ground. “Mom sent me up with dinner from the buffet line. She’ll be up in a few minutes.”


“The party’s still on? After an attempt on her life? That’s a pretty gutsy broad — Oops,” Kel giggled. “I suppose I shouldn’t call the Convener of the — the Moot — a gutsy broad.”


“Mom would have no trouble with that,” Coyote chuckled, pushing back his blond hair. “As for the party continuing, that’s a Ridgewayan cultural tenet. The celebration must go on. We remember too many times we’d quarantined ourselves from various fevers on the planet, so we celebrate any time we can.” Coyote lifted the lid of the carry unit; savory smells enveloped her.

“How do you get carry units on this planet if you’re a restricted trading planet?” Kel wondered aloud. “I can’t make that make sense.” Kel found herself wishing her tongue weren’t quite so loose.


“It doesn’t have an internal grav source, of course. I’m levitating it. Luckily it doesn’t take too much energy.” Kel sat up and Coyote transfered the tray to her lap.


“Ok,” she said. “What’s this?” Whatever it was, it smelled much better than meal bars.


“The stew there is made with native mushrooms and a legume that developed into a landrace here.” The stew, she noted, was an intense golden color, and from the smell, she suspected that Ridgeway III had a local equivalent of curry powder. “Then, with that, is a mess of greens that combines diaspora culture DNA tailored for this planet and some local weeds we’ve cultivated into crops. The two grow together symbiotically, which is a bonus.”


Kel took a small spoonful of the stew. “Take a bit of both individually. Then take a bite of them together. Then try a little of that paste on the edge of your plate with them. It’s important to be creative with your food,” Coyote instructed.

“Tell me, how does one get creative with meal bars?” Kel smirked, but she tried the food anyhow. “Wow,” she said after a few minutes absorbed in her food, which smelled warm and mellow, contrasting tartness and a deep mellowness. “This is amazing. What do you use for spices?”


“A lot of things, largely local. We have a tropical belt which accepted diaspora spices, and we have many herbs. This planet has immense agricultural potential, but only if it’s cultivated carefully. And by carefully, I mean as close to wild as possible.”


“So you’re hunter-gatherers instead of farmers.” Kel finished her meal and considered the pastry on the tray.


“Well, not hunters, unless you count mushrooms. We’re wildcrafters, we’re permaculturalists, we’re companion planters. We’re tree climbers, plant researchers — did you know there’s a plant here only pollinated by one particular miniature fruit bat? The guy’s not much bigger than a fly and climbs into the fruit’s flowers and gets drunk, then visits other flowers on a bender. He finally passes out in a flower and sleeps until the petals drop out from under him.”


“You must have a lot of farmers if you can’t factory farm.”


“Yeah, but we don’t have a lot of factories. We have them for the technologies we’ve chosen, but we also have artisans and craftsmen. You might notice this tray is wooden.” Indeed it was, Kel noted. “We have a stepped-down economy, and not a lot of us go off-planet, as you might guess.”


Kel found herself looking at the reflections of the sun mandala, which were mere shadows on the wall as twilight fell. Her sight blurred as she found herself sucked into a vision — Keyli, the Convener of the Moot for Ridgeway III and Coyote’s mother, strolling down the hall with a feline creature that came up to above her knee, trotting beside her on a leash.


“Coyote,” she said, instantly regretting the words when they fled her mouth, “Does Ridgeway have felinoids the size of Terran Shepherd Dogs?”

Read Me!

I have a friend who happily beta-reads all of my writing. This, of course, makes me very happy in return. She’s very sharp at picking out things that need to be clarified or rewritten, and she likes my work, no matter how low-key strange it is. In fact, the more low-key strange it is, the more she likes it.

Photo by Liza Summer on Pexels.com

The way I got this friend to read was pretty simple: I asked a bunch of my friends if they’d like to beta-read a novel, and she was the one who answered. I didn’t single anyone out and ask, because I didn’t want to pressure anyone to say yes. Some people don’t read, and they don’t want to be singled out as non-readers. Others aren’t reading what you’re writing. It would be nice to have more than one beta reader so we could discuss what’s happening, but it’s okay.

If you have a friend who’s a writer, one of the best gifts you can give them is to read their stuff. Even if they haven’t hit it big — especially if they haven’t hit it big! Writers need readers to feel like they’ve accomplished something. We may write for ourselves, but we know that writing/reading are a transactional model, and we crave being read. So give us a present!

Second Best

My new computer feels just like my old computer, which is understandable because it’s the same model, only a bit more souped up. I’m paying attention to its speed, which should be faster with a higher processor. I have to find a test to check out the video card.

Photo by Liza Summer on Pexels.com

The new, the shiny, the improved attract us as consumers. Computer manufacturers play upon this and make incremental changes to their products, charging high prices for a product not significantly different than the previous one. How much better is an i9 processor than an i7?

I wanted the shiniest and newest, until I realized that it would cost over twice as much as this one, very gently used, souped-up computer.